What pets write in their diaries

#1
Excerpt from a dog's diary......


08:00 - Dog food! My favorite thing!
09:30 - A car ride! My favorite thing!
09:40 - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 - Lunch! My favorite thing!
13:00 - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
15:00 - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
17:00 - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
19:00 - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
20:00 - Wow, watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
23:00 - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpt from a cat's diary......


Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I get fed mush, or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am; bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges: he is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Meanwhile the bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe; for now.
 
#4
Artois, go and beat yourself thoroughly about the face with a half brick, then get someone to slam your fingers in a fire door.
 
#5
I see my theory of digital dyslexia is spreading. Another one who can't comprehend forum titles.
 
#6
You missed out

0520: Bark at absolutely **** all as loud as possible.
0530: Bark at absolutely **** all as loud as possible.
0540: Bark as loud as possible then need out to sniff grass for 20 minutes then take a piss.
0600: Pace up and down on wooden floor.

Can I ask why you posted this here?
 
#8
You missed out

0520: Bark at absolutely **** all as loud as possible.
0530: Bark at absolutely **** all as loud as possible.
0540: Bark as loud as possible then need out to sniff grass for 20 minutes then take a piss.
0600: Pace up and down on wooden floor.

Can I ask why you posted this here?
God only knows. It won't happen again.
 
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