What pets write in their diaries

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by artois, Jul 19, 2011.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Excerpt from a dog's diary......

    08:00 - Dog food! My favorite thing!
    09:30 - A car ride! My favorite thing!
    09:40 - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    10:30 - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    12:00 - Lunch! My favorite thing!
    13:00 - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    15:00 - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    17:00 - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
    19:00 - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    20:00 - Wow, watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    23:00 - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    Excerpt from a cat's diary......

    Day 983 of my captivity.

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I get fed mush, or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am; bastards.

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges: he is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

    Meanwhile the bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe; for now.
  2. Why did you meet to put that cut and paste in here? Throbber.
  3. Better than Anne Franks' diary

    Monday Stayed in
    Tuesday Stayed in
    etc etc
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Artois, go and beat yourself thoroughly about the face with a half brick, then get someone to slam your fingers in a fire door.
  5. I see my theory of digital dyslexia is spreading. Another one who can't comprehend forum titles.
  6. You missed out

    0520: Bark at absolutely **** all as loud as possible.
    0530: Bark at absolutely **** all as loud as possible.
    0540: Bark as loud as possible then need out to sniff grass for 20 minutes then take a piss.
    0600: Pace up and down on wooden floor.

    Can I ask why you posted this here?
  7. Welcome to about 10 years ago
  8. God only knows. It won't happen again.