Army Rumour Service

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

What Not To Say?

When I was on the buses and at a time when you could smoke in Canteens,woman driver sitting at our table asked us anyone minded if she smoked? I replied I didn't care if she burst into flames.....'There's no need for that etc.' Jumped up,stormed out.Ten minute later I went out,passed her on main road,run into back of a skip.I waved and tooted my horn as I passed,I know she would have liked that.
I've remembered an awkward moment with a youngster I sometimes took on the school run. "Haven't seen your dad for a while, is he working nights?" Somehow I'd missed the news of dad's fatal accident a couple of weeks before.
Sadly it has, everywhere you go there are people who speak Estuary English.......... not the definitive" cockney" East london dialect, its a product of its time, enhanced by TV soaps, and those uber social butterfly's who inhabit the grossly overpriced warehouse properties in wapping, and the penthouse flats on the isle of dogs. Its a false dialect, that has become mainstream, through those that profess to be "With it" whatever TF that means! A real Eastender will instantly recognize the 3 dialects that are native to London. All slightly different, and unique. Mockney and Estuary, are not. Those that use it are wannabees...... that never lucky.
A (rather flat-chested) wren I was serving with was quite chuffed that she'd just received her first medal (Battle of Jubilee IIRC). "All you need now is a chest to pin it on" was not, apparently, an appropriate comment for me to make.
I've told this story before, but I'll do it again.

A couple of decades ago I was working on team doing systems engineering for a certain RAF swing wing mud mover, and while I was walking down the office one day I got stopped by one of the HR "associates" and another female. HR introduced me and said that the other female was conducting a survey and could I give her give minutes.

After agreeing, the other female asked me what LGB meant to me. I started off on a long response, which included the words "basket", "laser" and "circular error of probability".

It became apparent very quickly that this was not the response that the company wide diversity and inclusion survey was looking for, and she didn't hold back on informing me of that.

I was saved by the HR girly who knew what I did and she explained that the question could have been phrased better as "these engineers have acronyms for everything..."


Book Reviewer
More getting it wrong from the honourable son’s of nippon.
mitsubishi car division 1980’s Ah so let’s name cars after equestrians.
smallest car = colt.
sports car = bigger horse = starion
no one at the U.K. advertising agency picked it up until the ads went out and then they decided to just run with it.
true dit told to me by the man who managed the vauxhall account at the time.

other versions are also told, in that it's a shortening of "Star of Orion" = Starrion.


Book Reviewer
at a workmates wedding we were all hanging about for the cake cutting yawn yawn lots of figiting and foot shuffling after a much too long time my friend shouted out " wheres Doris's mum?"

Without thinking and a much too loud whisper I said to my little group " parking her broom"
oh dear the bride was not a happy bunny the group was laughing and got a lot of dirty looks .


War Hero
Called in to see Major OC training wing.

Exact quote comes next not forgotten after 45 years.

"Well done corporal X, I am going to give you an A grading. We don't give out many of these.
I expect you are going to pick up your Field Marshalls baton and go on to greater things."

"Actually sir I am planning on doing another 3 years and getting out".

Career went downhill from there. I was young and didn't realise telling the truth is not always appreciated

Had to have that conversation only the other day.

At a beer call the wet behind the ears lad is giving it large to his mates that they should chin off work and he's only in for the courses and then he's out - all in front of the boss.

I let him keep digging that hole and had a word in the morning. Good lad usually, so was interesting to hear his thoughts after a few wets.
Years ago I had a cat that had some skin disease and its fur was patchy. Was talking to the neighbour's wife :

"cat's got the minge"
"Er, I think you mean the cats got the mange. Minge is something else"

I'm not sure it's possible to die of embarrassment, but I gave it a good go :)
Coming in a bit pissed one night when the missus had invited the rest of her coven around for drinks and chatter. There were six of them all together but I only really knew one of them well.
"You look happy Susan, been sitting on the washing machine during the spin cycle again?"
I should have taken my leave there and then as my `joke` fell upon stoney ground. But no, I sat awhile and joined in the chat. Big, big mistake.
"All women are prostitutes at the end of the day." Followed by silence.
Mrs R says, "Explain."
"Well," says I,"look at it this way. I`ve just come back from an offshore trip, earned a bloody good wedge, OK"
I`ve got my Ying saying "Stop it, stop it now."
The Emperor won, easily. "Right, when I come back like that, I can have anything I want anytime. If I come back and say, sorry pet, I hit the chargehand coz he`s a knob and get sacked, arrive home with nothing, well thats what i`ll get...nothing. Understand now?"
How I`m still alive is a complete and utter mystery.

Mrs Slocombe

There was a woman at work who had a wooden leg. She came limping along, and the new bloke said "Have you been skiing?" Linda said "No, I've got polio."

New bloke was given the boot.
RAF pilot officer comes to an army aviation workshop for "experience" O group with the OC takes place,
"staff dragon/PO fuknuts can you supply 8 bods for tent duty, me says no, PO says yes with the classic
"there's no I in team staff
me, yep and there's no F in way either sir
********* tried to give me 4 Saturday duties, Sgt major educated him.
Definitely happened.
Probably just a tall story... but it makes me laugh.

This is an extract of an National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army Lieutenant General Reinwald about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation. Interviewer: "So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?" LTG Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" LTG Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range." Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" LTG Reinwald: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm." Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." LTG Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?" End of the interview.
Occasionally the military humour kicks in at inappropriate times. BBQ with good friends and my wife discussing why mozzies bite some people and not others. Friend's wife says she gets bitten badly and they never touch him. "That's because you're a rancid c*nt" says I. Wife has to explain my social disability and dilligaffery. Sober too.


Book Reviewer
At the start of COVID I was asked by an American client to write a 'Message of Hope' (I had no idea either) for their workforce:

Latest Threads