What Not To Say?

I was hosting an NFU farm walk and meeting, and was interrupted by two oriental tourists looking for Stonehenge. Apparently " You found Pearl Harbour easy enough, surely to fxxxk you can find Stonehenge" was not the correct response in these enlightened times.
 

ericferret

War Hero
Apparently using the phrase "Cheese eating surrender monkeys" in front of a French guest for dinner is frowned upon!
Siting in the crew room next to a French tech rep discussing the new stores computers inability to deal with overlong part numbers.

Says I, "Some of those froggy part numbers are really long".

Decided best just to pretend I hadn't actually spoken.
 

ericferret

War Hero
Called in to see Major OC training wing.

Exact quote comes next not forgotten after 45 years.

"Well done corporal X, I am going to give you an A grading. We don't give out many of these.
I expect you are going to pick up your Field Marshalls baton and go on to greater things."

"Actually sir I am planning on doing another 3 years and getting out".

Career went downhill from there. I was young and didn't realise telling the truth is not always appreciated
 

Helm

MIA
Moderator
Book Reviewer
I post this 10 years ago on similar thread. Couldn't be bothered re-remembering it . . .

Strolled into a Mat Ops looking for a particular mate, leaned on the counter and another mate asked how the Roy Chubby Brown gig had gone the night before:

"It was crap mate, about as funny as Cancer!"

Stoney silence and the whole Mat Ops looking across the office at me.
A Sgt gets up and strolls over to me.

"I've just got over Cancer and it wasn't very funny, ****!"

Somewhat similar
Long winded boring phone call from a member of the public who pays his taxes etc etc. Phone put down and me says I hope you get cancer and die too ya twat, duty inspector says that wasn't very nice and walks out. Duty Sgt sniggeringly says well done his missus died of that last month.
 
This morning WFH we were on a skype conference call, about 5 minutes in "ping" as someone joined
"Sorry I am late was away powdering my nose" says a lass from Weedgieland
"Really, it smells like you were away for a shite" says I
Lots of laughter followed by me saying "Shit I thought I was on mute" and the boss saying "I will speak to you later"
 
I post this 10 years ago on similar thread. Couldn't be bothered re-remembering it . . .

Strolled into a Mat Ops looking for a particular mate, leaned on the counter and another mate asked how the Roy Chubby Brown gig had gone the night before:

"It was crap mate, about as funny as Cancer!"

Stoney silence and the whole Mat Ops looking across the office at me.
A Sgt gets up and strolls over to me.

"I've just got over Cancer and it wasn't very funny, ****!"

Don't understand his problem. That's more or less what you said, I believe.
 

ericferret

War Hero
Old one but,

Lufthansa crew on radio to air traffic control explaining delay to push back being caused by a missing passenger.

Brit voice chips in, "Have you checked the ovens?"
Re-reading my post I hear a voice in a German accent saying

"For you ze war is never over"

I wonder how long it was before we stopped taking the piss out of the French after Waterloo?
 
Sat in the office one day.

Two secretaries on maternity leave (one white, one black) bring their newborn sprogs into the office to show them off to fawning coohs and aaahs from the women and total indifference from the men. I could never fathom out why they did this - presumably it was to show that the collection for baby tat was not a scam.

End up in our cell with a cackling gaggle of women in their wake. Like feckin geese following two gooseherds.

When asked what I thought "ooh aren't they gorgeous Ted" I said "no, they look like monkeys".

This was greeted with horror by the assembly of harridans (presumably because one of the babies was black). I backtracked slightly and said "well maybe they look more like Churchill".

HR manager bird came and had words with me. I explained and she fucked off laughing.

Oddly it wasn't the mothers who whinged (I actually quite liked them and got on well with them) but some fucking PC type bint in the gaggle.
 

ericferret

War Hero
Sat in the office one day.

Two secretaries on maternity leave (one white, one black) bring their newborn sprogs into the office to show them off to fawning coohs and aaahs from the women and total indifference from the men. I could never fathom out why they did this - presumably it was to show that the collection for baby tat was not a scam.

End up in our cell with a cackling gaggle of women in their wake. Like feckin geese following two gooseherds.

When asked what I thought "ooh aren't they gorgeous Ted" I said "no, they look like monkeys".

This was greeted with horror by the assembly of harridans (presumably because one of the babies was black). I backtracked slightly and said "well maybe they look more like Churchill".

HR manager bird came and had words with me. I explained and she fucked off laughing.

Oddly it wasn't the mothers who whinged (I actually quite liked them and got on well with them) but some ******* PC type bint in the gaggle.

Nothing as ugly as someone elses baby, whereas you own adorable little scamp.

I wonder how many blokes have missed the ultimate female barb.

"He looks just like his dad"
 

BratMedic

LE
Book Reviewer
I was on loan to a civvy hospital, in the waiting room for treatment was a horde of very pregnant women waiting for ante-natal class and one older woman waiting for physio, she asks me:
"Am I still to get infra-red with my knee exercises?"
Me: "I shall go and check ma'am"
I come back a minute later,
"I've checked, and yes, you are definitely on heat"
Pregnant lot fall about cackling and I (red-faced) exit stage left.
 
for reasons I just can't be bothered to type we had some recruits putting up tents to stay in at the ranges.

two of them were arrsing about doing that crap David Brent dance. They were noticeably of darker skin

"OI, you two, stop monkeying around" says someone to these two not white recruits...

SSM goes mental

"but sir they are apeing Ricky Gervais, and it wasn't funny when he did it*"

SSM goes purple.

I can't remember the third thing that was said, but it also could have racist connotations, at this point the SSM almost exploded.





*very little he does is even amusing, mainly cos it's him doing it
 
Re-reading my post I hear a voice in a German accent saying

"For you ze war is never over"

I wonder how long it was before we stopped taking the piss out of the French after Waterloo?
Stopped?

What is this stopped?
 
Hyundai produce the Kona, except in Portugal it’s called the Kauai, because Kona in Portuguese means cünt.
A bit like this advert at Bangkok Int'l Airport...
 

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Re-reading my post I hear a voice in a German accent saying

"For you ze war is never over"

I wonder how long it was before we stopped taking the piss out of the French after Waterloo?
We haven't . . . ;) .
 
You are probably correct, its a local dialect thing, although, that pile of pony "Eastenders, might have educated the rest of the UK, into the secretive vocabulary of cockney rhyming slang. (Pony& Trap=crap)......be lucky..(don't get caught!)
Sadly it has, everywhere you go there are people who speak Estuary English.
 

Teg61

Clanker
Sidling up smoothly at a family party - 'So, when's yours due?', to a somewhat plump friend of my sister who wasn't even the slightest bit pregnant.
Had a similar experience when I came back from Herrick. Met my wife’s mate in a shop and went my god you didn’t waste time getting pregnant again, only for her to reply”I’m not! I’m just fatter”
 

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