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What Not To Say?

Not a works meeting or anything, but on holiday many years back with a long term friend and his kids and mine.... we're all sat round chatting, eating lunch in a restaurant and the kids get drinks in from the soft drinks dispenser and hand them out to the adults. His young daughter was messing around like kids do and holding a drink out then taking it back as I reached out, then holding the drink out and taking it back etc etc... much hilarity....

So, unthinking comedian that I am I blurted out "C'mon girl..... stop being such a Coke tease.... "

She was around 12.... time immediately stood still and I had one of those moments you see in films where the background all zooms in as you fall into a time hole...... sharp intake of breath from all grown-ups within earshot... "Was that a sexual innuendo to a child?"....."Disgusting pervert!"..... "I said COKE... Honest, I said COKE!!... " this day it makes my toes curl that I actually said it and I'm mortified whenever it gets brought up - nearly 20 years later... We're still good friends and it was put down to squaddie humour, but the wives did NOT - very definitely NOT - see the funny side... I've had a few "I wish I hadn't said that" moments since but that one still makes me wince...
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Knew a nice young scouse couple who were expecting a nipper and lost touch for a year or so.
Bumped into them in a pub and asked hows the baby?
Many tears and her leaving with him in tow never to be seen again.
How the f*ck was i to know it died.


I have a fairly common reaction perhaps many of us say without even thinking.

Whenever I hear someone say ’I was out clubbing last night’ I always reply ‘seals?’

When I worked with troubled teenagers some of them would say they had attempted suicide. It took supreme efforts to avoid asking them how the attempt had gone.


War Hero
Elderly MD of a company I works for years ago.

A girl who did the admin for a powder coater we used, phoned to let us know when our delivery was due. She was the daughter of the owner, casually told our ancient MD that she was pregnant. He replied, well let's hope it goes better than your powder coating, otherwise it'll late and the wrong colour.

Went up to see a resprayed helicopter at Sywell Airfield. Full bare metal job on a steel tube structure so loads of mechanical work involved as well.

"Lovely job says I but it was supposed to be red not blue."

Sprayer laughs at my little joke.

"No I was here when he placed the order,Red"

Sprayer goes a nasty grey colour and sits down with a thump.

Anyhow the owner came to see it loved the colour and accepted it.

Sighs of relieve all round.
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Squadron do and I’m tanking pints with one of the Relay Ops, up waddles a truly monumental behemoth of a woman, Me “fackin’ ‘ell! State o this ere!”
Relay Op “ Oi that’s my wife”, Me “What? No not her, that one over there!” He wasn’t happy.
Me in the Legion “Who’s the barmaid?”
Mate “Which one?”
Me “Fit young blonde, with the smashing big tits!”
Voice from the snooker room “Oi! That’s my Grand daughter!”
Cue me facking off to the smoking area sharpish
Senior Drill course, I’m talking to the assembled CSgt Instructors, one tictocker says to me. Swap your white belt with someone and stick your green one on for the next rehearsal. I explained that I’d left it in the Mess, he says to me God you’re just like one of my Guardsmen. Before I had chance to engage brain I chips up “Please! I tried far to hard at school to be one of your Guardsmen” I buggered off quickly while all the instructors looked at each other wondering if I’d actually said that. Definitely got a shat report from that course
I do seem to have a propensity for saying the wrong thing, AND at the wrong time.

50 years ago, young kiwidoug is up at a TAVR commissioning board, after about 3 years as a Gunner then Off.Cdt.

Grumpy Old Board Member: "Right then, why do you want to be an officer in the Royal Artillery?"

KD: "Well Sir, I thought it would be much nicer to drive about in trucks rather than slog through the mud"

GOBM (Who I now notice is wearing a KOSB capbadge) "Oh really"


I did have another go after 6 months, in which I answered the same question as

KD: "Well Sir, my grandfather served in the RHA in WWI, and I thought I'd like to keep the tradition in the family"

Result: Accepted.


About 20 years ago, I had switched careers, just completed teacher training and was being interviewed for a job as a computer teacher at the school where I had had my final student placement. The Principal teacher wanted me for the job, and was supremely confident that I'd get it. The interviewing panel was a Deputy Principal, the Principal Teacher and a representative from the local council, which under the Scottish system, would actually be my employer.

Things were going swimmingly.
I answered every question on teaching techniques, student development, professional development to everyone's satisfaction. The Principal teacher was nodding happily.

Then the Council rep asked a question about maintaining discipline, using an example of a described student misbehaviour, and asking me what my response would be.

I gave him chapter and verse, right out of the handbook, with escalating consequences for the student offender. Unfortunately, after having worked through the officially approved list, i got a bit carried away, and added in my own words:

"And of course, if all these steps fail, then you can take him out the back of the school, and beat the living daylights out of the little scrote"

@Ortholith and other poor bastards working at the chalkface, will recognise that this is not PC approved behaviour.

I didn't get the job.


War Hero
"Happy Hiroshima Day! - fun fact, apparently the flash from an atomic bomb detonating is so bright, that even to this day, the Japanese still squint" - got a fairly cold reception....

At one of the pointless team meetings after someone being told there is no 'I' in team "but there is in time, and this is a waste of it" that one pretty much divided the room.

Someone brought a young child into work to be given lots of attention, seriously disrupting everything, the child was thrust at me in expectation of my 'wanting to hold it' (no chance, I didn't even know the person holding it as they'd gone on leave before I started) I recoiled a bit, then turned my head slightly and furrowed my brow before saying "Has it got a touch of Downs?" Turns out it was just a slightly lazy eye.....
Well at least the child-meeting 'party' ended at that point as the parent took it away sharpish and things got back to normal, well, normal-ish, it seemed very quiet in the office every time I had to go in there. Probably the women were a bit broody...
Thankfully the Kung Flu prevents reoccurences of unwanted child parading in a work environment
RAF pilot officer comes to an army aviation workshop for "experience" O group with the OC takes place,
"staff dragon/PO fuknuts can you supply 8 bods for tent duty, me says no, PO says yes with the classic
"there's no I in team staff
me, yep and there's no F in way either sir
dick head tried to give me 4 Saturday duties, Sgt major educated him.

Gout Man

Book Reviewer
At a funeral, a dear aunt of mine, we all walked out of the crem after the service and were gathered outside where the flowers and cards were laid chatting, when for some obscure reason I said to my mum, “can you smell burning”?
Now if you don’t want to make make your dear mum cry don’t do as I say.


TA Ladies Night in comes the Tp Sgt with a woman in tow. Wanders across to say hello

'Evening Chef, this is Mrs Tp Sgt'

'Evening boss, lovely to see you Mrs Tp Sgt where does a year go?'

'I wasn't here last year'

'My bad must have been the year before'

At this point she looks at her other half and says

'This is the first one I've been to'

Thinking of the woman he'd brought in previous years I thought quickly

'My God is that the time, must dash'. Legged it and avoided them both for the rest of the evening.
At a whole staff briefing at my last school, the Head announces at the end that Jo, one of our teachers of English is expecting. and will be going on maternity leave in 3 months.

Round of applause, then silence.

Filled by my voice (honestly I don't know where it came from) saying:

"It wasn't me"

Results in uproar and gales of laughter from the Bad Boy's corner.

Rather long meeting with head, no coffee was offered.

Last school? Struck off? Tad harsh

Mrs JB and mysef enter the hotel elevator in New York to find a nice Asian couple holding the doors for us. What floor they politely enquired...

Mrs JB....Flee please...

I very nearly soiled myself, how I kept a straight face I don't know, Mrs JB was mortified and doesn't know why she said it to this day...

Good grief. My mother was prone to that subconscious imitation eg "Flied Lice" etc in Chinese restaurants . My father banned her from speaking to staff

My non-pc is answering truthfully as I'd like others to do

Dinner guests:
Me after a mouthful - this is horrible
Guests - no, it's nice
Me - it's not, it's disgusting, something must have been off; don't eat it
Guests - we think it's nice, but if you...

To former uni friend after 5 years
Her - you're looking good and just the same
Me - thanks, you've piled on the pounds
HMS Brave Adriatic '94 deployment - 3HZ mess. We are alongside somewhere and one of the lads has invited a few Germans off the FGS Bremen or whatever onboard for a few beers. H*rry H*rrison has just woken up after a massive session the night before, still shiters...appears at the entrance to the mess square (recreation area) with his towel round his waist and washbag and....wearing his S10..."I'm just going for a shower lads". @Jimmy_Green think you'll remember him off Cov or Cumb too.

Freetown SL - a few of us had been voluntold to help do some stuff at an orphanage- clearing an area of scrub for a new building or something. There was a particular awkward tree stump that would not budge. Young kids all around us watching, laughing and smiling etc. One of the lads finally manages to free up the tree stump and as he does so loudly says "Who's ya daddy!"

Arrse member Joe_civvie announces on facebook he's just been rushed to hospital in Hong Kong with stomach pains - lots of tests being carried out. Friends & family all concerned and offering sympathy. I then post "have they ruled out pregnancy?" Bastard then goes and makes me look a right tw@t by being diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer and dies 2 weeks later.
It’s ferkin’ ‘ot and I can’t sleep, so I thought I’d spin this lengthy dit in an effort to bore me to sleep.

Any one who has been posted to BATUS for 2 years as permanent staff will have been steered (forced) to try ice hockey. I did this, hired all the gear, spent hours putting it on and eventually stepped on the ice for the initial training session. I spent more time on my back than a Reeperbahn whore while everyone else merrily skated around me (cünts). I decided it was a bad idea, especially as, on the odd occasion, I can have a bit of a temper and knowing my luck I’d end up clocking commander BATUS. I handed the gear in and thought nothing more of it.

A few days later was Sqn PT and the 2IC collared me, demanding to know why I was not at ice hockey training, I left at the temper issue and told him ot wasn’t for me, to which he said “you haven’t really tried it”, I replied “I don’t have to have anal sex to know I dont like it”. The whole Sqn heard and burst out laughing, the 2IC took umbrage to me from that day, fortunately the OC was an ATO and loved his ATs.
Several years ago I met some people I had not seen for a long time.
She had put on a great deal of weight. My second question was "When is the baby due"?
Not seen them since for some reason.


Book Reviewer
Several years ago I met some people I had not seen for a long time.
She had put on a great deal of weight. My second question was "When is the baby due"?
Not seen them since for some reason.
I was taught decades ago that you don't ask whether a lady is expecting a happy event until she's admitted to the labour ward.
I post this 10 years ago on similar thread. Couldn't be bothered re-remembering it . . .

Strolled into a Mat Ops looking for a particular mate, leaned on the counter and another mate asked how the Roy Chubby Brown gig had gone the night before:

"It was crap mate, about as funny as Cancer!"

Stoney silence and the whole Mat Ops looking across the office at me.
A Sgt gets up and strolls over to me.

"I've just got over Cancer and it wasn't very funny, cunt!"



Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Apparently using the phrase "Cheese eating surrender monkeys" in front of a French guest for dinner is frowned upon!

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