What Not To Say?

As a newly promoted police sgt, walking through the briefing room prior to night shift & seeing several of the females on my shift sat chopsing waiting for briefing & none of the blokes.

what I meant to say was, “ evening, are there no blokes on tonight?”

What came out was “FFS, are there no cops on tonight?”

next early shift was a conversation without coffee from a tad miffed Section Inspector.....
 

roninxix

War Hero
I once called a work colleague “Amish” due to their lack of technology (Satnav, Smart Phone, Internet in house). How was I to know that they were a Jehovah’s Witness.

One bitter colleague decided that this would be a fine opportunity to dob me in the shit. One times disciplinary interview later, resignation submitted and got the feck outta dodge.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
It took me some time to settle into the company vibe when I worked for my first company after handing in the Baggy Green and Black suit.

As with all others, the harridans of HR believed themselves to be uruk hai of the corporate world-particularly one (admittedly damn good looking) Change Manager.

Friday afternoon meeting that was going on much too long, dealing with a subject that I cannot recall. She, being very much Daddy's Princess, held the floor so that all the blokes could stare at her legs and the 'ordinary' women could kill her with their eyes.

I looked up just as she crossed her legs: 'Anybody with anything to add?', she asked arrogantly.

I heard myself say, 'That reminds me-I must get a hair cut tomorrow'.

I was saved because the Head of Core Business blew a snot bubble.
 
Too late in my case, she really does look like her late mother ( Married 42 years, with no time off for good behavior)
Exactly the case with my wife.
Spitting image of her mother......matching urns at the crem
 

Issi

War Hero
I had to meet another surveyor on a joint site meeting.

I'd met him once before, ages ago, and I was wracking my brains trying to remember what was different about him.

So, come the day of the survey, I pulled up in the car park, and a few minutes later he also arrived.
I watched as he limped over towards me, swinging one leg quite stiffly.

So, I jumped out to meet him halfway across the car park and shouted a cheery -

"Hiya Mark! How's things with you? Have you been in the wars?" , while gesturing towards his stiff leg.

"No" he replied, " I lost my leg in a bike crash 10 years ago"
 
One from my son from years back as a teen.
He was walking down our street with his best mate.
12 seater passes by with the usual Council "Special School" stickers on, fully laden.
All registered skelly eyed dribbling "specials" you have to understand.
Son says to mate.
"Fuck...here's the Retard-Mong-mobile again...what's that kvnt waving for"?
Mate:
That's my wee sister ya kvnt. :rolleyes:
 
Actually when said son was around 3 years old, he went one better.
Our old female neighbour was shall we say..."earthy" Loved son to bits. Anytime the ice cream van came round, he usually got a shilling for as she put it. Hurry up...it's The Fukkin' Icey..there ye are son...money in hand.
Few week later on the bus home with my (posh) Prime of Miss Jean Brodie SWMBO & he...what draws up beside us at the lights? Ice cream van...not ours but similar.
Then it happened. Out loud as good as the Go Compare singer.
" Oooooh Mum look...its THE FUKKIN ICEY!
 
I got the death stare from HR a few years a few years ago on a training course, where we were asked what had been a bad experience from a annual review

A female colleague announced that said she had once been described before as a 'Fun sponge'
I remarked instantly 'a bit like a Tampon then?'
 
At work, some bloke I don't know says "MK, do you know Julie X from J Division Police? (Voluptuous beautiful brunette, big appetite)

"Good god, that's a name I've not heard for ages, that real doorty slag admin lady? Many a wasted night"

"Oh. I married her, she remembered you when she asked who I was working with now"

"Sorry, must be thinking of someone different mate. What's that surname again? Skinny blonde, no boobs, bad teeth, J Division erm ... Seized Property Department?".

Get out of that one, don't think I did ......
 
Murder scene Golden Hour conference. "Wait for the forensics three days?" "House to house has got to help?" "Check with his friends and enemies, guv?"

Big Boss: "Thanks for all the usual platitudes, anyone else got something worthwhile to add?"

MK: "Every hole's a goal, sir?"

Cue typists with the audio record soiling themselves in laughter, me and them being bollocked by their chief boss later.
 
Ullswater Mountain Rescue, a futile search during absolutely foul winter conditions, even for The Lakes, for a missing Downs Syndrome 19 year old. Fully-equipped and fit as f*ck, I still took refuge in the back of a van, middle-aged couple of SAR volunteers (?) sat in there.

"What do you think his chances are?"

"Less than zero unless he's someone's taken him in, really, about 60 minutes in the open, tops".

Oh, hello Mum and Dad. One of those times when you prayed, unsuccessfully, to be wrong.
 
Elderly MD of a company I works for years ago.

A girl who did the admin for a powder coater we used, phoned to let us know when our delivery was due. She was the daughter of the owner, casually told our ancient MD that she was pregnant. He replied, well let's hope it goes better than your powder coating, otherwise it'll late and the wrong colour.
 
At work, some bloke I don't know says "MK, do you know Julie X from J Division Police? (Voluptuous beautiful brunette, big appetite)

"Good god, that's a name I've not heard for ages, that real doorty slag admin lady? Many a wasted night"

"Oh. I married her, she remembered you when she asked who I was working with now"

"Sorry, must be thinking of someone different mate. What's that surname again? Skinny blonde, no boobs, bad teeth, J Division erm ... Seized Property Department?".

Get out of that one, don't think I did ......
One rainy weekend a bunch of us from the skydiving mob, bored shitless at the DZ decide to head over to a local spot for a few beers, barbecue and catch some stripping action. It was all a bit of a dud with some seriously grim totty.

Anyhow, one of the blokes gets trapped by a short, fat boxhead number and ends up shagging it in his drunken state. We all manage to bombshell later but this poor bugger ends up stuck with the creature from the black lagoon.

Couple of years later I run into him at another DZ and get talking. The night of debauchery comes up and I jokingly ask him if he managed to finally ditch and dodge the boxheed horror show.

'Can I introduce you to my wife...'
 
The correct reply is
That is correct but there is a U in c***t
Another version is

There may be no I in team but there are several in Sanctimonious platitude quoting git. I did once hear that that saying is attributed to Ricky Gervais in which case it’s the only funny thing he’s ever said.
 
Back when I bothered with social media a Canadian friend posted that she'd just lost her job, Everyone was posting the usual "oh how terrible".
I posted 'have you looked down the back of the sofa? It's usually where my keys are when I lose them."

Her friends were horrified, she was amused.
That was almost Sluggy-esk.
Dangerous Box.JPG
 

Latest Threads

Top