What is always funny?

What is always funny?

What jokes, one liners or situations do you hear or experience, that despite countless repetition, remain funny.

In my local, the seafood guy has been coming in every Friday night for years. Without fail, as soon as he walks in, Smelly Babs shouts from the corner "Show us yer mussels" and is quickly followed by her friend Marjorie who chimes in with "Have you got any crabs on ya, co-ck?" For some reason, this continues to amuse me despite the fact that I have heard the joke at least 520 times.

On a similar note and in the same pub, there is a jaded old lag called Henry. Every time the last orders bell rings, he jumps up for a laugh and starts shadow boxing. This also makes me smile every time.

A quick straw poll around the office, revealed that the things that continue to raise a laugh despite endless exposure are,

Chimps eating the sh-it out of one anothers arrses at Chester zoo.
Upon viewing an ambulance sailing past at full speed mit sirens, making the comment "He'll never sell any fcuking ice cream going at that speed."
Making a parping sound whenever somebody bends down in your vicinity.

Do any fellow arrsers know of similar occurrences of this odd phenomenon?
When I was at School, there was a picture of a bird, in a science book, drinking through a straw while looking at the camera.

For some reason, one of my mates showed me the picture and said "hello" in a funny voice. I was laughing so hard that there was some p1ss seepage. He did the same every science lesson and I couldn't stop laughing.

I'm giggling like a girl thinking about it now.
I always giggle to myself when I recall my daughter saying "I am going to be a paedophile nurse", she is now 22 and a veterinary nurse.
I decided to take the kids swimming last week, and just as they were about to get in the pool a black bloke jumped in. There was a look of absolute horror on my 6 year old's face when I told him to jump in, and he started screaming his lungs off: "I'M NOT GETTING IN THERE WITH THAT DIRTY MAN!!"
Every time I think of it I piss myself.
I always chuckle when I remember what my father said to me when I was little when I spotted two dogs humping outside a shop as we walked past. I asked him what they were doing and as quick as flash he said "Er...well, I think the little one is poorly and the big one is pushing it to hospital"
Me and a good mate of mine have a little routine that we always use when meeting up down the pub.

Those who are old enough might remember a Yellow Pages ad from the eighties, where some spotty student type has a wild party and has to call in a french polisher before his parents return from their holiday.

8O "Who are you?"

8O "Who's she?"

:( "My parents fly home today!"

"Hello, french polishers? its just possible you could save my life!"

Thats when we both have fits of giggles and generally act like a couple of six year olds, while attached wives/dorii roll their eyes, shake their heads and tut impatiently in that really endearing way women have. :roll:

We must have been doing that for almost twenty years, and to be honest, it just gets funnier. :D


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I must admit I laugh everytime England lose at rugby.

It must be infectious because the kids are doing it too!

Had to pick the 9 year old up off the floor on Sunday he was laughing so much!
Everytime I hear the old drill Cliches, the corners of my trap turn upwards into a grin.

The ultimate favourite has to be asking a recently posted in Corporal of horse the time in the ops room.

His responce 'Air Trooper Lee, the time never changes, then bolted upright and shrieked, its 'ONE..TUP THREE...OOOONNNNEEEE' then resumes marking his map.
My nan farting inadvertantly when she stands up/sits down/walks/stands still and then saying "ooooh, hark at me!"

My dad farting and saying "Twist" always conjures a smile too, it must be in the blood.
Jeremy Beadles left hand. Source of the gag "on the one hand Jeremy Beadle has a huge c0ck, on the other hand he hasn't"

Always cracks me up that one.


Deaf people :D
Every time I see them using sign language or speaking/grunting in the way they do I always crack up.
I feel like a cnut for laughing at them but I just cant help myself :D
When you meet a matelot at the Army Navy match and tell him with a perfectly straight face that he seems to have something stuck on the back of his shoe

He lifts his leg up and looks back thereby giving you the cue to shout in a very camp Kenneth Williams voice

"Ooooooooooooo 'ello sailor!"

then say "No! the other one" and if theyre thick enough to fall for it you can finish off with a good Elvis like "Uhhuhha"
the word fart dunno why it just makes me giggle!
The local steakhouse has something called a " floater" on the pudding list. This has me giggling everytime much to the wifes annoyance.

Many years ago, a peculiar friend of mine phoned me one Saturday morning and wheezed through his laughter "Channel 4 now!!!"

I quickly turned the TV over and found a bunch of Down's Syndrome kids doing gymnastics on Sesame St.

Still raises a smile :lol:

and rummaging around in the pockets of my jeans and exclaiming 'Plums? I don't remember buying plums?'
self amusement is the best!!
I made this video of a pissed up lad bed-end a sleeping lad at 3 am, after he had been down town for 14 hours. I still :lol: until my plumbs rattle when I watch it.
When my one year old sits on the floor nappyless fumbling with himself to the Missus horror cant tell him off for laughing

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