What if......

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by LostBoss, Jan 16, 2006.

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  1. There is a thread running on the recruitment forum suggesting that it would be a good thing if a character in a popular TV show could be depicted as a serving soldier. Imagine the benefit of a strong figure doing great stuff on TV.

    That got me thinking about this, imagine if a major TV show / film were re/written to include a squaddie as a key character and what would this do for recruitment.

    What if…

    A new family move into Albert Sq, Dad goes for a pint in the Vic and after a couple of wife beaters is told that that Grant was in the Paras.

    “What that fat bald cnut?” says our man “yeah that’s wight” says cockney urchin.

    The scene moves on three hours.

    Grant is in a stress position against the juke box with his T shirt pulled over his head whilst our man pisses on his back shouting “Soldier my bollocks you fat bald walty cnut!” at the top of his voice.

    The scene moves on three hours

    Mrs Squaddie is rigged up in full webbing head down tail up, wearing hubbies favourite respirator whilst our hero bangs her ragged whilst “British Grenadiers” blasts from the stereo. I’d sign on again.

    Or imagine if Star Wars were written and Yoda was a proper instructor and Luke was learning to move the boxes with the power of the Force

    “Skywalker fecking red arrse Jedi Crow you are! RUN those ammo boxes through the swamp will you! Cnutting force my arrse! When Move I say Move you will – MOVE. Fast enough not was that, again do it. A Winner it pays to be”

    Later Joda and Luke get mental on Swamp Juice and bezzer each other massively

    “Best mate you are, love you I do, bang your sister can I” slurs Cpl Yoda.
  2. Best mate you are, love you I do, bang your sister can I” slurs Cpl Yoda.

    possibly the best line never to make it into a film!
  3. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    I vote Andy McNob for the dad of the new family in Albert Square!
  4. Anyone remember Jim McDonald in Corrie? he was supposedly an ex sapper I think.
    He deserved a feckin Oscar (so he did!)
    His brassy blonde wife was bang on the money too, coudnt they transfer them down to Laandon? I'd love to see him "do" all those so-called cockney 'ard men with a pair of stilsons.
  5. Yes, He was indeed depicted as a Sapper......but there were one or two slight inaccuracies

    firstly he appear in a photo in the macdonald household in No2s with....with ...with a REME tw@t hat....the tw@t


    he was shown as a drunken, wife beating Irish berk (so he was)....and last time i looked out the window we only have well behaved people from Surrey.........probably
  6. don't be stupid. it'll be chris ryan as always. probably with eddie stone as his wifes mentally challenged brother.
  7. use albert square as a cqb - real live moving targets which fall when hit - either with 5.56 or a fist - only trouble is itll be difficult to tell whats collateral damage and whats not.
  8. Stop Press
    RAF use Albert Square as bombing range.
    Cause thousands of pounds worth of improvements.
  9. I made Mrs S stop watching the "Street" for a bit by screaming maniacally/hysterically every time I saw the RE plaque on that cnut's wall (so I did). The Sapper Magazine even sold it's soul by bigging him up in a full page spread, saying he ("Jum", so it was) was increasing recruitment. I'm off to scream again at the memory........
  10. Or grunt \ grant gets nicked by RMP for being AWOL from not the Para`s, but ACC, or RAVC, people see he is a Para wannabe and loose`s hard man kudo`s.
  11. Lostboss, I salute you senor and my eyes well with pride at such a fantastische post. As my salute still reverberates around the room I am gingerly treating myself to a little milsch at the quality of your star wars idea.
    The possibilities of squaddie movie remakes are a gold mine.

    Imagine if the end of 'Ice cold in Alex' would have been realistic. As John Mills (RIP) downs his harry icers Charlie, the noise of bladder expulsion spattering the floor echoes around the bar.
    Scene cuts forward 30 minutes.
    The bar is smashed to match wood, John Mills is in the raw, strides around his ankles. He is covered in claret, leaning with one hand against the wall, the other hand is braising his right knee and his left leg is searching the floor in vain for some form of support. He's mumbling "Oh jesus" to himself, he is 45 seconds into a 2 minute swamp that is already bubbling on the floor up to a 3 inch deep head, and there is vomit in his under pants.
    The bird is unconcious on the bar, covered in vitamin S, like a scene from 'The house of wax'. The other blokes are fighting in the raw with just a tinge of bear love going on. The scuffling of their conflict is punctuated by the occasional shout of 'FCUK!'. The brawl was sparked by an accusation of shoddy first works on the wagon which rapidly turns to an allegation of soldier A Mick Jagging soldier B's old lady.
  12. I seem to be crying at work.
  13. thanks-now getting funny looks from all around due to spluttering and giggling like a tw@t
  14. RTFQ


    I just snotted on my rankslide.
  15. RTFQ


    Final scene in Jerry Macguire - hideous chickflick in which tom cruise and rene zelldgdkckwhatever successfully bagsey their blace at the head of the execution queue come the revolution - Rene is in her living room, surrounded by her witchlike cohorts and bemoaning men because Jerry has left her - it's all held-back tears and stoic feminism. Suddenly, in bursts Sgt Macguire, beer caked airborne T Shirt on, in p1ss-soaked jeans and carrying one of his shoes like its the Holy Chalice of Christ's Blood itself. He pinballs around the living room and into her recoiling mates, before announcing "I shat".

    He hands her his shoe - sure enough a well formed cleveland steamer rests upon his sorbothane. He launches into a monologue on how he didn't mean to shag her sister, how he was so drunk he sort of thought it was her and how she interrupted them before he could come (therefore it didn't count).

    She puts a finger on his lips to quieten him and says: "You had me at: 'I shat'."

    Beautiful. Cue whatever the theme tune was.