What i would do if i was the Prime minister.

The title says it all , but please feel free to join in with your own points for the ARRSE party manifesto.

1) The Minister for Defence would have to be a serving General/Admiral/Whatever the RAF have .
(so we have a bloke in who knows the difference between an SA80 and OMD 80)
2) Everyone who signs on the dole has to report for 20 hrs a week community service until they get a job.

3) All professional football players have to complete 2 months off season military service , complete with
military haircuts and denote their 2 months football earnings to RBL/sponsoring units sqn booze up find.

4)All students are to be seen and not heard until they have earnt the right speak when they get a job and
they pay taxes.

5) Servicemen and women will not pay taxes when they are deployed overseas.

6) Servicemen and women will get free entry into all nightclubs and receive a free drink on entry.

7) Glasgow pay pay,manning and records will be bombed , and a new establishment will be built
that ensures you get the right pay at the right time .

8 ) All ''Chavs'' will be moved to the Isle of man.

9) ''Posh'' spice will be formally told that she has no talent at all , and she is to take her fecking stupid goggles off.

10) If you claim off the state yet you dont swear alligence to the Queen and Great Britain you will be deported to Australia
(we know what the aussies do :lol: :lol: ).
1. School sports and physical exercise would be a mandatory 3 days a week thing.

2. All police applicants must have completed atleast 4 years military service.

3. Imagrants would be fcuked off double time unless they could prove infront of a board of examiners that they had a useful trade.

4. All foreigners living in England would be told to live how we live and adapt or take there Own countries traditions and fcuk off!

5. HM forces or government work or would be rewarded by a paid housing grant!

6. National service would not be brought in but failure to volunteer for military service would result in increased Taxes until 28 years of age.

7. Job seekers allowance would only be available for the first 3 job offers. After that all Allowances and benefits would be stopped!

8. The house of Lords would be abandoned!

9. Parents would be awarded for their children excelling in sports or academic competitions!

10. I would put the Great back into Great Britain!
1) No person would be allowed to sit next to anyone on the train if said individual wants a kip. 2) The Sun 'newspaper' would, in an ironic twist of fate, be utterly destroyed by an immensley powerful, yet astonishingly accurate coronal ejection from our very own star. (Not Daily)
Well...(1) was actually tried in Japan prior to WW2. The practical upshot was that the Government came under the control of the military - you need an Minister of Defence and if the Gov't doesn't do what the mil likes, the Minister is simply ordered to resign by his superiors who then refuse to supply a successor. The Government then collapses. Repeat until you have a tame Government taking its orders from the service chiefs.

2) So in effect they'd be employed by the state for 20hrs per week...better rack the dole up to minimum wage levels then, or there's going to be trouble.

3) No argument.

4) Except that some of the students I knew at uni were fairly sensible people (granted, we were doing the 'heavy' courses - Chemistry, Engineering, Medicine, etc). Totally agree for the courses such as BA Modern Basket Weaving and PhD Drama (just how on earth do you do a research degree in Drama, ferchrissake?)

5) This isn't already the case?

6) Hands up who disagrees...right..thought so.

7) Better shoot all the inhabitants as well, just to be safe (though I've never met a civilian payroll dept that got my pay right first month either, it seems to be a universal problem).

8 ) And then nuke the Isle of Man. Repeatedly.

9) Preferably after being relocated to the Isle of Man, just before the events of (8 ).

10) Also add - 'or if you swear allegiance then break your oath by breaking the law, then', imemdiately after 'Britain'.

Edit: hate smileys...kill smileys...
1) It would be illegal to serve a Mcdonalds burger with that horrible green pickle thing in .
2)No base ball caps to be worn indoors.
3)Civvies have to pass a BPFA to qualify for free NHS treatment .
4)There will be a national Flag day where the Union flag will be flown by ALL house holds
, failure to comply will mean a hefty fine .
1. All unemployed males commiting criminal offences between the ages of 18 - 22 should report to copehill down every tuesday and thursday to act as Civpop for Public order until they have either been seriously injured or decided to join up!

2. Speeding fines would be increased between the hours of 2200 and 0600 to combat Max Power knobbers!

3. The all male operational Police force would be issued with baton guns and would use them on a judge dread system!

4. Healthy women would recieve benefits for not being fat and unappealing to the eye!

5. Unhealthy people would be refused emplyment until they got fit. Failure to comply would result in being moved to the Isle of man!
I would brick up the channel tunnel at the French end, in complete secrecy, then spend millions on an advertising campaign letting all immigrants know that there is to be a race threw the tunnel the first 1000 threw will get 11'y million squid and a passport. Then and this is the clever bit, once there all threw this end, brick this end up and flood the fecker! Killing two birds with one stone!
1) getting rid of all the immigrants
2) disconnecting this Great Island from that horrible place.
paveway_3 said:
7) Glasgow pay pay,manning and records will be bombed , and a new establishment will be built that ensures you get the right pay at the right time .
Long time back, I stood in a big space at Worthy Downs when they switched 'on' a big computer that was going to totally revolutionise all Army pay and allowances.
Don't tell me it's broken?


Kit Reviewer
jagman said:
I would do the decent thing and shoot myself.

Yes, that is a hint for Terrible Tony
Hopefully Göbbels style & take the WMF & their spawn too.

1. Ban the Dole for anyone who is found not making an effort to find work.
2. Students not on a useful degree course must act as batmen to those ofn a useful degree course!
3. Any cars found with them annoying flurecent lights under them will be immediatly towed and destroyed
4. MPs will work for the good of the country, not themselves.
5. We will work with the USA when necessary, not be their lap dogs!!
6. Motorway speed limit will go up to around 100mph

That will do for now, as you can tell, some were inspired by what was written previously!
a. Travel on all Public Transport would be free on production of an MOD Form 90.
b. Ugly / Fat / Unemployed wimmin would have mandatory sterilisation carried out by the Army Vetinary Corps
c. Married quarters / Messes / Singlie Blocks would be bought up the same standard that the US Forces have in Europe
d. Sack all civilian catering firms and have all messes staffed by soldiers for soldiers
e. Give all soldiers a 3% mortgage from an MoD bank to help them get on the property ladder
f. Re-introduce the Junior Leaders
g. Have every single bunk / mess room and Married Quarter having a mandatory broadband PC so you can do your own pay and online training and free use of the web
h. Have a 15% payrise
i. Pass a law that gives servicemen the same rights as police so they can arrest immigrants, charity muggers, boy racers
j. Insist that all Members of Parliament visit any MoD establishment in their patch at least once a year for an all ranks forum
k. Introduce an 0808 free phone for bullying/harrasment/drug taking/ fiddling of expenses staffed by retired SNCO's from the RMP.
1. Put all my mates in the House of Lords.
2. Get the wife to do lecture tours to bring in a bit of cash so we can have a big house.
3. Make big ill thought out policy statments and then go for a lie down so nothing gets done.
4. Start a war, coz my mate across the pond thinks it's a good idea.
5. Finally, shmooze my way in Europe to become president of EU or failing that Secretary General of UN.

What!! Who says it's mostly been done before.
Implement accurate British history lessons in schools for a start. The recent propensity for sugar coating, distorting and openly altering historical fact to suit political correctness is ill-conceived and downright disrespectful. So many children are growing up with an appallingly poor grasp of our glorious heritage and thus no motivation to maintain and improve our Nation.

Disembowelment (with a spoon) for anyone who harms children physically or mentally. No appeals.

Halt immigration then introduce stringent assessment of anyone wishing to live here to establish that they are willing to embrace British life and are capable of making a valuable contribution.

Commission scientists to develop a ‘morals and integrity’ test along similar lines to a polygraph machine. Compulsory annual testing for all Anyone, regardless of creed or race, not up to standard should be deported, to Mars.

Resurrect capital punishment.

Remove and burn the driving licenses of anyone found, whilst approaching a roundabout, incapable of looking to the right during the approach and who instead stop dead at a deserted roundabout before cranking their rigor-mortis necks round to see if it’s clear to proceed.

Oh, and make ice-cream free for window lickers on the proviso that it is consumed in public places to provide entertainment and stress-relief for everyone. :wink:
.Dolly said:
Oh, and make ice-cream free for window lickers on the proviso that it is consumed in public places to provide entertainment and stress-relief for everyone. :wink:
With complimentary balloon???
Vimeiro said:
.Dolly said:
Oh, and make ice-cream free for window lickers on the proviso that it is consumed in public places to provide entertainment and stress-relief for everyone. :wink:
With complimentary balloon???
Yes why not, it would work quite well especially if they were helium filled - imagine the jerking, screaming and crying when they lose them!! :lol: :twisted:


Book Reviewer
Here's a few points from the "Legs for PM" Manifesto:


a. Mandatory death sentence for Paedophiles, rapists and murderers.
b. Prison would be a punishment, not a holiday. No PlayStations, TV/DVDs, snooker tables or days out.
c. Life would mean life.
d. Causing death by drink driving and the like would be considered murder. Death by dangerous driving and suchlike would be a life sentence.
e. No time off for good behaviour. Extra time added for bad behaviour.
f. Suing people for ‘embarrassment’ would be outlawed. All claims against people for damages should truly reflect the losses incurred. Criminals lose any right to sue for damages from the victim of the crime, regardless of who came out worse.
g. Homeowners have the right to defend their property in whatever way they see fit. However, if an innocent person (delivery person/passer-by etc) is killed or injured then the full power of the law shall come down on the homeowner.
h. Police to have a reduced amount of paperwork caused by each arrest to enable them to get back on patrol.
i. More Police foot patrols in built up areas.


a. SofS, Min AF etc must have served at least 22 years in any of the Armed Forces.
b. 15% pay rise for all ranks.
c. Interest free mortgage for all personnel wishing to purchase a house. Mortgage dependant on serving 22 years, or repaid in full before discharge is authorised. Outstanding balance on discharge at 22 years to be deducted from the pension in monthly instalments.
d. Minimum service for recruits - 5 years from 18th birthday, or start of Phase 2 training (whichever is the later).
e. Procurement system re-vamped. Service personnel, not civilians should decide what is needed, and the specs for equipment. No payout to the firms until the equipment is in service.


a. Only people who have a trade that is required in the UK will be admitted.
b. Only immediate family (spouse and up to 3 children) will be allowed to accompany head of household.
c. Any criminal act will result in immediate deportation upon conviction.
d. All immigrants must surrender their old passport and swear allegiance to the Crown. They are also required to undertake a series of courses followed by a test to help them integrate into British Community. This to be done within 6 months of arrival in UK. Failure to attend/pass will result in immediate deportation. All costs of the courses/tests to be payable by the immigrant (in advance).


a. All school children will wear a school uniform.
b. School will begin at 0800hrs and finish at 1700hrs.
c. All children will be taught in English.
d. Mandatory subjects will include – Maths, English Language, British History, Physical Education, geography, home care (cooking, sewing, cleaning etc), one other language and basic economics. Other subjects will be by choice at the age of 13.


a. Road tax to be abolished. Tax added to fuel so that heavy users pay more than light users.
b. From the age of 65 all drivers must face a test every year. Failure on re-test to result in permanent driving ban.
c. Motorway speeds to be increased to 90mph (lower variable speed limits as required).
d. Speed cameras only to be employed on certified accident blackspots. All proceeds from fines to be put back into transport system.
e. Increased mobile Police traffic patrols.
f. All drivers to display a certificate (like a tax disk) in the windscreen advertising the fact that they have insurance.
g. Driving with no insurance/MOT/Licence to attract an immediate 5 year ban (to follow the sentence for any other crime). The car is to be sold at auction to offset the court costs. If the car is of no value it is to be crushed.
h. Bus and train operators to face fines for poor service, late running (unless proved beyond their control), extreme numbers of complaints and poor quality of vehicles.


a. No NHS Doctor may treat private patients in NHS property. Any private patient must be treated outside of normal hours.
b. Only people who have paid National Insurance can receive any medical treatment outside of emergency life saving. The cost of emergency treatment is to be billed to the country of origin if no insurance is held.
c. Health tourism on NHS to stop. Only if the full costs of treatment (privately) are paid in advance may non-UK residents come into the country for treatment. NHS facilities are not to be used.
d. All patients over the age of 80 are not to be resuscitated. This is for the good of the nation, and the individual.
e. Euthanasia will be legalised. The checks are to include at least two consultants, and a lawyer.
f. Any underage pregnancies are to be reported to the Police. The father is to be charged. Housing will not be awarded to those under 18 who fall pregnant, unless in a full time relationship with one parent working.
g. Organ Donation will be compulsory unless opted out for religious reasons.
h. Patients in a Persistent Vegetative State are not to be kept alive, except for reasons of organ donation.


a. MPs to be paid only for the time they work.
b. Any MP convicted of a criminal offence is to be sacked, and a by-election is to take place within 6 weeks.
c. House of Lords to be abolished.
That's the spirit Legs, puff that chest out and keep it coming! You certainly would have my vote.

PS...... but only if you include my suggestion of free ice cream for window lickers for public entertainment!

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