What did I eat to deserve this?!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by reassuringly_badgers, Jul 20, 2005.

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  1. As far as I'm aware I've consumed a Diet worthy of vegetarian Bhuddist Hermit living in a Mongolian cave over the last few days. I haven't touched a pint or a curry and I've dutifully eaten whatever the other half reports Jamie Oliver says is good for you now...

    So why then, did I just squirt a hot jet of Badger's Finest™ Gravy into my trunks? Fecking new ones to boot! :x

    There I was, happily and camly being a lazy git and reading in bed when I felt gaseous products in the tube. At this point I had no idea my gut was in turmoil and so I gave a little nudge, just for extra effect.

    My natural bloke’s amusement instantly turned to horror as a searing heat ripped through my hoop and splattered in the underwear.

    I quickly stamped on the brakes to control the flow. Thank God I was alert enough for that…

    I waddled John Wayne style to the Armatige Shanks next door and examined the damage. I had to go carefully. A bit like Hans Blix’s inspectors, I was potentially sitting (literally) on a stockpile of Weapons of Mass Destruction. (Very close to, but not to be confused with, the Weapons of Mass Seduction)

    I sat on the crapper and re-opened the sluice-gates. I seriously thought the wiring had gone wrong somewhere in my pelvic area and I was p.issing out my arrse!

    I spread out the contaminated boxers and carefully scraped the edge of the cow pat with some bog roll. Feck me this thing was the colour of the Desert DPM’s! Not brown and soily like shi’ite is supposed to be, but like the Iraqi landscape!

    Once the splashing flow finally ceased, and the water in the toilet turned into a festering stinking quagmire, I felt the kickback from the fluid that had just passed out of me. F.uck me! It felt like my hoop had been liberally sprayed with Sulphuric Acid and CS gas! The little men inside me must have flushed my stomach acids for the comedy value of the results…

    I had to look up the kellie decontamination thread for practical tips on how to actually get the c.rap off the pants. I can faithfully report that scratching it off with your nail just rubs it in further! :roll:

    What fun! I'm now wearing some already skid-marked boxers to minimise the fallout if it takes me by suprise.

    Shiiit, gotta run, I can feel it coming on...

    [hr]

    I think we've almost exhausted most peoples sh.itty stories but this thread is open to any more that still lie un-penned... More poo where available please...

    [hr]

    As an addendum (sp?), My poor arrse is now stained a lovely yellowy colour, very oriental I think.
    This leaves me ruminating on the abuse my rear has taken in it's time (one-way traffic, I'm afraid Ctauch) which brings me to the Compeed story. DozyBint knows it already but as I can't be arrsed to pen it as yet, I'll save it for another time...
     
  2. It's your body calling you a wuss for not consuming enough fibre and beer!
     
  3. ive just laughed so hard i sh#t myself as well thanks mate
     
  4. It has been realiably reported that men do not eat enoguh fibre in their diet and so have ' problems' in digestion and elimination not as prevelent in women...

    I suggest copious amounts fo beer [ grain in liquid form after all ] and other byproducts of wheat, barley, rye, corn.. etc.. [ read the labels before consuming - its a bit squinty and blurry after draining the contents ]

    The Earl of Sandwich was on to a good thing..put lots of animal proteien bewteen slices of quality grain bread and chow down..

    and for Gawd sakes stop eating tofu, mung beans, bean sprouts and leafy crap labelled ' salads '..

    cows eat grass, men eat cows.. its the food chain thing.. can't skip the process..
     
  5. Serves you right for not eating and drinking properly. Steaks, chips, bratwurst, gyros, kebab, fishfingers, beer, vodka, whiskey, etc. :twisted:
     
  6. The Other Half want's me to do some "Detox" malarkey. Feck orf! Nope, back to the tried and tested Beer, Takeaway and Barbeque diet for me!

    Now, where's some bacon!
     
  7. Sounds like you've studied under the great philosopher RTFQ
     
  8. I'm honoured but I'm afraid it's obvious where the talent lies...
     
  9. I promised a veggy lass I would give meat for a week and detox - munch on beans and rabbit food instead. First two days I produced more posioned gas from my arrse than trench warfare in WW1.

    It is now day three and the farting has stopped but I'm dreaming of meat. Roast Chicken, bacon Mmmmmmmm. I'm craving meat more than I am a ciggy!!!

    I hope this is all worth it and I get into her knickers :)
     
  10. I think you are in an ideal position to stage a "dirty protest" at Mrs. R_B's well-intentioned but misguided attempt to feed you "Jamie's School Dinners." When she comes home to discover your home decorated in human waste a la a 1970's "H" Block then maybe she'll think again.

    A mature gentleman's digestive system is in fact a complicated piece of biological machinery that, despite it's apparently robust nature, becomes accustomed to a specific dietary regime. For example, mine is now intimately attuned to curry, rare fillet steak, chips, the full English breakfast, Green & Black's organic chocolate ice cream, cakes, NAAFI custard creams, chinese food, lager (anything over 5%), IPA, claret, cognac, espresso and bacon sarnies. And the occasional kebab.

    If I eat anything else, especially vegetables, nuts and any other food that Coldplay's Chris Martin might approve of then my hoop turns into the 666th Circle of Hell, spewing forth a volcanic, diabolical stream of the Devil's Bum-Jus.

    So phone up The Raj, get in that Jalfrezi and ten bottles of Cobra and watch your natural equilibrium re-establish itself.

    V!
     
  11. Hey CowboyBob, top tip never deny a girlie and portion of meat! Still she could munch on your nuts...............