What a despicable act to do!!!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by StickyToffeePudding, Feb 4, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. A friend finds himself in the unusual position of potentially being a first time father at the age of 42 and now all his mates and family will have proof he’s had sex!

    To sum up the situation, his good lady, some 17 years his junior, has been off her grub and has felt constantly sick for a while and ‘just to make sure she wasn’t pregnant’ before going to the drs ref her tummy she took a DIY test which showed she’s ‘with child’. Both of them are in the vicinity of that big river in Egypt, despite a further two DIY tests showing she’s 3+ weeks preggers!

    I have carried out my own empirical research and when uttering the names of certain foods i.e. bubble and squeak, haggis, full fry up with grated cheese on the beans, the lady in question had a gag reflex akin to that of a 15 year old convent girl in a block full of junior leaders and as such I conclude she is now truly, up the duff!

    I feel my friend is in delayed shock and fear for his sanity once the novelty of him being breast-fed by her whilst enjoying a sly one of the wrist wears off. As a confirmed bachelor who neither knows of or pays for any sprogs I feel under equipped as to advise him on the role of a father, parenting or dealing with hormonal bitches who crave peanut butter and mash covered shepard’s pie and garlic and Worcester sauce ice cream!

    Any advice from the good membership would be appreciated and passed on!

    Oh, the one piece of advice I could have given him based on first hand experience of the lady in question before they met being ‘make her bite down on the pillow whilst kicking her back doors in to avoid fatherhood’ I’m avoiding giving for obvious reasons :twisted:
  2. Is that one for the ARRSE recipe book. Sounds like it's worth a try.

    Tell him that whatever he does, don't look down when she asks if the baby's head is showing, because:

    1) It will make him never want to go down there again and he'll have nightmares about smashed pork pies.

    2) He'll never again be able to eat individual steak and kidney puddings.

    Nearly forgot:

    Next time you see her and she's looking a bit green around the gills, tell her you fancy a gorilla snot sandwich. Always works.
  3. Morning sickness - one reason why harems are actually tactically sound.
  4. Slow day in the nursery is it?

    Well i don't know about anybody else but i lost track of the conversation around about the second paragraph there. What a load o' fekkin drivel that was. You need to stop sniffing your own underpants mate.... it's doing you no good at all. :evil:
  5. Confirmed bachelor = gay? You fancy him yourself, don't you?
  6. Why would you want to help? It's his problem, let the idle bugger sort it himself.

    If he can't see his way to leaving a roller-skate at the top of the stairs, there's no reason for you to put yourself out.
  7. It's you, isn't it?
  8. If you need proof of sexual conquest just ask for a receipt.
  9. stab in the womb with a coat hanger...

    or is that a bit harsh?

    are you worried that the sprog might be yours and he'll find out you shagged his mrs?
  10. Do as I do.... keep to Mrs Hands Emporium.... nae chance of anybody getting preggers..... not even moi....
  11. Have you thought of changing your name to StickyDogToffee so it matches the tale you told?