Well I've got nothing to do but train while I wait to go in the Paras. I quit my job as a double glazing salesman a while ago due to my aspirations of becoming an airborne warrior and so I've just been chilling at home. Last Monday I was sitting at my desk surfing the internet and smoking a spliff when a messenger pigeon arived at my window. I opened the window and retrieved the message that was attached to the pigeon's leg. I knew that it was a message from my Dad (who is currently in hiding) as the message read "This is your father, I need to speak to you. Wait outside Morrisons by the recycle bins at 11.00pm tomorow and I will send someone to pick you up and bring you to my place of hiding". I took a large drag on my spliff and felt the hazey fog do it's work. Last I heard my Dad was staying with an old SAS comrade who goes by the name of Silent Phil. I'd never met Silent Phil but I had heard stories about him from me Dad. He was a dangerous man who very rarely spoke. Aparently he was an expert in sentry removal during the Vietnam war and it is believed that he single handedly killed a whole camp of Vietcong one by one using only his knife and his deadly stealth techniques. By the time he'd killed them all the knife he used was reported to have been made blunt with overuse. My Dad and Silent Phil are like brothers but I knew that Silent Phil was a very serious and surly character and so I was a bit nervous about meeting him. I arrived at Morrisons early as I knew that these ex SAS guys are always on time and don't hang about. I was standing about smoking and waiting for the driver. At exactly 11.00pm I felt a bag go over my head and I was forced to the floor by someone of phenomenal strength. I never saw who it was as I was aproached from behind and caught completely unaware. My hands and feet were tied together with plastic tie wraps and I was hoisted up and thrown into the back of a van. I lay in the back of the van as I was driven to the unknown place for what seemed like 3 or 4 hours ... I was desperate for a sh1t all the way. Finally the van stopped and I was taken out of the vehicle, into a building and led down some stairs. I was put in a chair and the bag was pulled off my head. A bright light shone directly in my face and I couldn't see anything but the brilliant light that was blinding me. "STATE YOUR NAME" said a voice ... and so I did. Then came the password that my Dad had taught me. "SWINGING MONKEY ..." said the voice ... "BARKING DOG" I shouted in reply ... and the light was turned off. I saw infront of me my Dad and what must have been Silent Phil. "Welcome son" said my Dad. and I saw Silent Phil nod a gesture of dismissal to someone behind me, and so I turned to look, but I only caught a glimpse of a shadow disapearing into darkness. It must have been the driver leaving I thought.. I spoke to my Dad for a bit and we chatted and caught up. I told him he was going to be a grandfather and he was very pleased to hear the news. I also told him about the kebab shop incident and he said he was proud of me for fighting injustice and doing my bit for The War on Terror. Silent Phil just sat there staring at me and never spoke at all. His gaunt, pale face and dark piercing eyes were fixed upon me at all times and he didn't blink once. He was silent, apart from his heavy breathing, but he looked like he could erupt into a frenzy of violence at any moment ... just like a bomb is silent until it goes off, that's the impression I got of Silent Phil. I felt rather uncomfortable to be honest ... he seemed very on edge and rather unstable and seemed to visibly shake a little. A bit like someone pilling their tits off but trying to act normal infront of the police. The guy freaked me out and I was in desperate, medical need of a spliff. I stayed at Silent Phil's woodland shack for a week. I never knew exactly where I was though. All I knew was that I was at some run down shack deep in the woods in the middle of nowhere. Here was where Silent Phil and my Dad were in hiding from Vietcong assassins. As the week went by Silent Phil opened up to me slightly and was almost talkative during the times he was drunk (ie every evening). They both told me stories of their SAS days and we trained in field survival, unarmed combat, stealth techniques, trap setting and sentry removal. I was only allowed to watch during the practice of some of the more deadly moves, as I was told that certain death moves should only be practiced by masters of Ninjitsu and SAS members. I got some tips on survival in the wild and learnt how to make drinkable water from salt water and urine. It still tasted like salty p1ss to me but my Dad ensured me that it was fine to drink and would save my life in the desert. We also drunk lots of beer and played on Silent Phil's Playstation 3. Silent Phil is a fcuking wizard on Virtua Fighter and Resistance Fall of Man. At the end of my stay I was made aware of the reason for my visit. I was to be entrusted with a very important special forces mission. I was given a return ticket to Thailand and Â£200. I was told to meet a man there called Mr Chang (a pseudonym I expect) at a certain bar in Bangkok. I was instructed to collect a package from Mr Chang but I was strictly told not to open the pacakge and look at the contents. I was to hide the package in my rucksack imediately and bring it straight back to England ... whereupon I would be contacted and brought back here to deliver the package to Silent Phil. I was told that if I did this I would be given a further Â£200 and my Dad would use his contacts in the SAS to ensure that I get fast tracked through training and accepted into the SAS shortly after joining Para Reg. I was then Blindfolded again, tied up, shoved in the van, driven back to Morrisons and thrown out in the car park. I intend to go to Thailand next week and carry out my mission. After all, I can't let me old man down. I have to admit that I'm a bit curious as to what the package could be ... but the promise of being fast tracked through training and into the SAS is very exciting. My Dad says it's nothing dodgy anyway.