Weird Teachers and Lecturers

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Proximo, Nov 9, 2005.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I'm on a course right now, theoretically being edumacated, and as is usual, my attention invariably wanders away from the subject at hand.

    Regardless of what we're being taught, truly bizarre teachers and lecturers are thin on the ground here in Shrivenham - in fact, the majority are utterly normal - which is slightly baffling, as I distinctly remembered being taught by a truly inspiring collection of mad and deranged teachers over the years.

    For example, Peter S**** (noted RAF person who taught physics) would routinely appear for school everyday in the same shirt and with his trousers held up by a piece of bunsen burner tubing. It also transpired that he was sleeping in the CCF building at night having been thrown out by Mrs S****.

    We also had the World's Heaviest Chain Smoker for Chemistry, who would leave the classroom every 5-10 minutes for a fag before re-appearing in a fug of smoke, hastily popping mints and chewing gum. She had a truly foul temper, which usually manifested itself in the throwing of tripods before she would dash off outside again. Oh, and she was a drunk - stored her gin in those massive glass bottles they have in labs.

    We also had 'ROK' for Biology - who was far too interested in sexual education - he would tell us about how Mrs ROK liked being 'penetrated from behind' - as he put it 'she likes it when she can feel the head of my penis rubbing the front wall of her vagina' - heady stuff for a pack of unruly 13 year old boys.

    Mr Berry - had a fondness for lifting boys out of their chairs by pulling their sidies up, and throwing blackboard rubbers - until he caught someone in the eye, necessitating ambulance support; and of course the obligatory Teaching Assistant who regularly saw me reaching the culminating point at break times - on my own, I might add! :D

    Is it just me, or have all these barmy maniacs been consigned to history?
  2. Oh, and Mr Perkins, who taught RE until he discovered he cared more about the pigeons who infested the clock tower and moved up there fulltime and had to be coaxed down by the police.
  3. My old art teacher was a strange bloke. He smoked wacky backy in his supply cupboard and was the spitting image of Salvidor Dali, unfotunately his skills in art didn't match his dopel ganger(sp).
    He wore open toed sandels all year round and had a cravat on with a purple heart(fake I think) brooch in the middle of it.

    He left and then we had Miss Gallagher, many a wet dream involving her but that's another story.
  4. Weird teachers...
    yeah, I had one... way back in the dark ages of Grade 9.. Mr. Maus, chemistry/physics class... He brought in some bell jars attached them to a suction pump and then put mice inside.. sucked out all the air and, as the little fuzzy critters exploded into pasta sauce and dripped down the jar he explained the effects of air pressure and its relationship to deep sea diving and the upper reaches of the ' earth's envelope ' as he called it...

    Still get chills when I hear a small ' ping ' sound as it reminds me of the exploding mice hitting the jar glass...

    got the class's attention, though.. don't think anyone missed a lesson for fear of not seeing his next ' scientific experiment '..
  5. Darth......

    You don't have to go far to spot some VERY weird lecturers at Shriv!

    Material Science - Ally???
    Maths - Curry Man?
    Chemistry - Bearded Weirdo

    Forget school!

  6. We had 'Jim Bowen' for 'Material Science'. I thought he was going to knock himself out with his own laser pointer at one stage. :D
  7. Didn't have any weird lecturers only one or two who were irritating self opinionated little c*nts.

    There was one chick who lectured in Geology who had hands like a brickies mate.

    The best one of them all was a lad who was the double of Keith Richards from the Stones. Had the attitude and the dress sense to match. Top bloke but wouldn't take shit from anyone. He had that lived in sort of face that you just know had spent it's entirety dabbling with pharmaceuticals .
  8. For a bizarre reason I took A level Sociology (I am very proud of the 'X' Grade I won in this subject).

    On day one our lecturer walked in.

    "Hello," she said, "I'm ***** and I fcuking hate men." This is absolutely true. This was the mid-80's and she really was a cardboard cut-out, loony-left Milly-Tant of the highest order. I did my A levels at FE college and was in the TA at the time and this especailly provoked her ire. We had some brilliant arguments, including one where she told me to leave the room.

    "Don't oppress me!" I quipped, which sort of worked as she mumbled an apology. I began a comprehensive series of PsyOps against her. The "Joy Division" T-shirt. The Israeli Defence Force duffle bag. The tiny Red Hand of Ulster pin badge. It all worked, she was the ultimate biter.

    Despite being a reasonable sort of chap I turned myself into a frothing-at-the-mouth Peter Hitchens type character especially for her lectures. I wrote rambling essays that made Nietzsche look like a Liberal Democrat. I took issue with everything she said. I drank lager during her lessons, explaining that I was a Situationist.

    In short, she fcuking hated me.

    She is probably still babbling leftist tripe at captive audiences in a portakabin somewhere in southeast England. Loser.

  9. Never mind Vegetius - at least you got an 'ology' :)
  10. I had a former Rhodesian (Zimbabwe? I don't want to hear that word in my classroom!) copper as a supply teacher for most of my standard grade history years (my normal teacher kept getting pregnant and this wacko kept getting sent to cover). Really knew his stuff but kept going off on a massive tangent every few minutes, surprising anybody learned anything at all in those classes.

    Top bloke and source of some near fatal fits of laughter but sometimes gave the impression of being slightly unstable. Never had a teacher as good after he left.
  11. A few in my time , we had a guy called mick lacey while doin my apprenticeship at arborfield who sounded just like "henrys cat" ! if you can imagine the voice, his intro to us all was "hello my name is mick lacey, but for proffesional purposes you can call me sir! "
    The guy who taught us ACW was Viscount Alanbrooke who was mad as a hatter, always sh1tfaced and used to brag about how he got 200 quid just for attending and signing in at the house of lords lol.
    Another guy Ken, whose surname escapes me taught engineering maths, tryin to teach a load of un interested squaddies boolean algebra, he showed his displeasure by constantly swishing a cane frantically "far too close" above our heads, crazy mo fo.
    My mrs was fortunate tho, when doing her BEd in Northampton her sociology lecturer was none other than Frank Skinner, bet those lessons were awesome!
  12. My old Maths teacher used to hang people by their blazer on the coat hooks next to the blackboard.
    Crazy fool.

    And yes I said blackboard! Feckin chalkboard......get a grip!

    My geography teacher wore Noel Edmonds type jumpers and jesus sandles whatever the weather.

    Oh and best of all we had a grog pit, the last thing you needed was an item of yours thrown down the pit, you knew you had to go get it but feck, what was worse, losin a jacket an facin the wrath of yer mam or gettin covered in grog by the whole school?
  13. At 8 Signal Regiment in 1982, Trade Training School at Catterick, we had a gentleman who taught electrical principles.

    A civilian fellow who is undoubtedly dead by now. His name was Mr. Cheek. He seemed to be constantly on the edge of outright drunkeness and was unique in having a telephone extension in his class room.

    This was before widespread mobile phones. He used this instrument to place a running stream of bets on various horse during his classes. How he got away with it I just don't know.

    He also used wooden cubes with ABCDEF on each face in order that we could indicate the answer to his questions. When roused to anger, he would hurl the sodding things at you with commendable accuracy given his usually soused state.

    I am now mentally scarred to the point whereby I am unable to recall Ohm's law without wanting to duck...
  14. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    We had one teacher, a mad, dipso Bog Trotter who taught woodwork.

    As the major interest source of thirteen year-old boys was practical female anatomy, his classes weren't high on their attention scale. On his rare sober days he kept dicipline in a was that would freak the PC mob these days.

    If he caught anyone not totally engrossed in the intricacies of mortice and tenon joints, this unmitigated brain donor would hurl d wood chisels across the room at the sinner ! 8O

    Luckily he always made such a racket about it that everyone could seek cover in time, but it did ensure he had the frenzied concentration of the entire class for the remainder of the lesson.

    I think he was 'offered' early retirement for some reason or other.
  15. Thommo (he would actually cane kids for calling him Mr Thompson or Sir) showed excellent motivational skills on an effeminate boy who wasn't keeping up on the school cross-country. Running up behind the laggard, he wedged the starting pistol between the cheeks of his arrse and fired two rounds, result, personal best time for sissy-boy. Last heard of Thommo about a year ago, caught drink driving and punched on with three rozzers (he is over sixty now). They don't make teachers like that anymore.