Wedding guests

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Taff49, Apr 12, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I found myself at a wedding the other night, Mrs T49 had been invited. It was a work colleague of hers who I hadn’t met, I didn’t know anyone else there and to cap it all I was dicked for driving, so it was a couple of pints of shandy for me and that’s was it.

    After doing 3 laps of the buffet (and very nice it was too) I got to observing the other guests who were drinking and noting their various types and characteristics. Helping the happy couple to celebrate where:-

    15 year old chubby girl : you haven’t seen her for a number of years and are surprised by the changes to her, she appears to be a borderline mlaar, and is at least a size 20, although she has opted for a size 16 wedding outfit. This discrepancy in her wardrobe means her underwear outline is clearly visible, and worryingly mesmeric. Complete with “cankles”, she spends the evening trotting between the buffet and the dance floor, where she insists on dancing like Britney Spears in her heyday, and appears to have had more than her fair share of the free table wine.

    Merry divorcee - late-forties, and her two kids are late teenagers. She has kicked out her husband of 20 years and is busy getting her 2nd wind. Her “squeeze” for the evening will be from the the gym she joined, and he thought he was onto a good thing banging a MILF-type until he saw her in this environment. She makes saucy gags about “being kept up all night” and having “bow legs by the time he has finished”, and ends the evening crying mascara down her face when her 20-something lover has had enough and dumps her mid-reception

    Drunk mate from football : or rugby/cricket/whatever activity the groom does. Absolutely bladered, and spends his evening pinballing about the wedding reception, knocking over drinks and putting out a steadying hand in your food. Usually have his tie at half-cock and a number of red wine stains down his rented morning suit. Prone to throwing his arm around whoever is talking to the groom and telling what “a great fukcer this guy is. This guy here. Fukcing sound as a pound” etc etc. Gets belligerent at around 10pm, and will be involved in some sort of fracas involving a mistaken taxi booking.

    Creepy uncle. . Wearing his only suit and a novelty tie, this middle-aged balding man has fingers stained with nicotine from the rollies he never puts down. Clutching a pint of mild, he spends the evening moving from table to table, chatting to every single female over the age of 14, and dropping continuous innuendo along the lines of “my, haven’t you grown?” while eyeing up her cleavage .May well finish the evening holding a napkin to his nose to stem the flow of blood, where some girls irate boyfriend has decided to snot him one.

    All four were at this wedding. have you spotted any others at weddings you've been to?
  2. Bitter Friend - Usually of the female persuasion and old school "friend" of the bride. Spends the night making catty comments about everything from the brides dress, her hair, choice of venue, choice of food, the groom, his friends, and anything else that comes into her field of fire. Someone whose own life is shit and cannot accept the fact that her friend is happy and getting on with her life. This female is more often than not recently divorced, and between the snide remarks quaffs Rose until she's sick out of her nose in the ladies at around midnight.
  3. Been watching Peter kay recently :roll:
  4. Ex Army Officer: Spends the evening usually with a drink in hand explaining that things were not like this in 'his day' and that when he was 'over here' he was busy scraping bits of humans off the crossroad at Finaghy or being shot at from the Berlin Arms on the Shankhill. Wife sits nearby very embarrassed and telling him loudy to shut up as no -one else is interested. Oh f**k me, that was my wedding reception!!
  5. Taff, you didn't describe the shed chosen for the reception! :)

    I greatly enjoyed reading your observations: great post.
  6. Insufferable Distant Relation Not Heard Of For Many Years- seen at a reception held by the half-mad, pub-owning, Far North Queensland side of the family who could start a fight with their own shadows. The relative was Bernie Fraser, then Governor of the Reserve Bank of Australia, and who had therefore been invited to address the (already) well-oiled audience.

    His idea of doing so was to sneer at Queensland at the first opportunity...I waited in vain for a full can of XXXX to sail out of the crowd and collect him between the eyes...he got plenty of suggestions when mingling afterwards though. Fucking Mexican.
  7. Lets not forget your friends mum who has an amazing fixation on dancing / tonsil hockeying you .
    Wouldnt mind but at 50 something ;face like a welders bench etc it makes the evening energetic doing laps of the reception to avoid the fucking harpie :D
  8. The Salesman Uncle (Normally Grooms) - Mid forties and a Top-Man sort of snappy dresser. Laughs at 150dB so that everyone should notice him and waves his chunky gold braclets around like medals from campaigns won against a hard and tenatious customer. Has an outrageous, and slightly bigoted, opinion about everyone and everything.
    Does the rounds and tells every table how successful he is and in another few months will afford that 'dream home' when 'that' big order comes in. Slips a business card into every males hand in the hall above voting age and winks at all the females.
    Dresses and talks only slighty less annoying than Swiss Tony, but God forbid would never play away, and even if offered wouldn't know what to do. Has the quiet and ever-so-faithful dull wife Janet/Wendy/Barbara who acts like a slighty dour walking version of the Laura Ashley brochure but with a shaggy styleless greying mop for a hair-do. Smiles at every prompting of 'Isn't that right Janet/Wendy/Barbara?'
  9. Brides younger brother/cousin. Is a soldier and wears his No1s to the do. Has LCpl stripes up but has been in less than six months (apparently it's a tradition). Gets pissed on his second bottle of Becks (we drink this in the 'Gan you know, {no you don't, twat}) and goes round trying to hit on every female who has managed to grow a pair of chesticles (age doesn't matter). He goes round calling everyone a 'hat' even though he's wearing AGC blues with no wings medals or ribbons. Upsets everyone - caught piddling in the sinks, flowerbeds, behind the curtains. Offers most of the males under 16 out, they refuse. Ignored by everyone who has even come close to serving. When introduced by a kindly Aunt as "This is Tyrone, he's in the Army" upsets her by going "Fucking A". Eventually found in the toilets in tears telling everyone "You just don't know what it's like man, you weren't there.
    • Like Like x 6
  10. Classic.
  11. I was going to post, but I cannot top that mate. "Fucking A" and moving on. :D
  12. Taff49 I thought you were the leading authority on all things shed related? Your musings on the wedding you attended were excellent, hope the old guy didn't as might well have been predicted, get a snotting.

  13. Brides younger cousin. Is a soldier and wears his No1s to the do. Has LCpl stripes up but loses them less than a week later, probably as a result of behaviour similar to that at the wedding (apparently it's a tradition). Gets pissed on anything going and causes the groom's aunt and uncle to storm off to a different table with a succession of badly-misjudged Princess Diana jokes, what with it being the day of her funeral and all.

    Sorry, Carol. :oops:
    • Like Like x 1
  14. I may have reached that stage of life when I attend a wedding more because I'm family and the invitations are issued more through a sense of obligation as opposed to any great desire to see me there. At one time I, along with the other family members of my generation, would have been centre stage throughout the proceedings, but we have now migrated to the fringes.

    At one such wedding you encounter the female cousin whose path has intersected yours at irregular intervals throughout your life, invariably at family occasions like the wedding you're attending on this day. In your youth, she was vibrant, lively, amusing and just a little bit dangerous. She was certainly worth a punt and you might even have got down and dirty with her on at least one occasion.

    Age has not been kind to her, however, and although vestiges of her former liveliness remain, she is now saggy, lumpen and the danger has been replaced by desperation. You know a rematch is on offer, but you just wouldn't even if you wanted to, and you're kind of left wondering why you ever did in the first place.

    Obviously it's not only women who are fickle.
  15. The estranged family member. Usually an 18-30 brother or sister of the bride or groom who is hated by the rest of the family and has not been seen in years but was emotionally blackmailed into coming. Skulks in at the back of the church, spends the meal wolfing down each course as it arrives then retreats to the bar to chat to the barman, who is the only person who will talk to them as all the guests have been warned off that they are a social pariah. Usually leaves once they realise that the family members(s) that have it in for them are getting drunk enough to consider doing them serious bodily harm, OR are so drunk themselves that they don't notice and end up getting the s**t kicked out of them round the back of the smoking area.