Wedding Day (Grooms Speech)

#1
Well the day has finally been decided and the Devil has succumbed to the fact he isn't getting any younger and needs a She Devil by his side.

Calling all ARRSERS to task,
To help the Devil get some quality speech material together.

Maybe you have some witty one liners to break the ice,
or some devilish put downs for the baying crowd.

Some anecdotes, Risky Jokes and Banterish Repartee to impart and
make the speech the Dogs B0llocks Etc.

Cheers in advance

DWTD.. :evil:
(Previously Posted in the NAAFI Bar)

Edited- Posted here to get the views of the Seniors, Dine outs, leaving do's
Im always Hic'd by the time the speeches are given.. :wink:
And can never remember who said what.. :roll:
 
#2
i started mine with "it has been said that a good speech is like a miniskirt. it should be long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to keep your interest."

not one person laughed.

so i deployed the big guns and decided that would be the last "tame" joke in my speech. one of my "jokes" has since gone down in family & friend legend as the most inappropriate and tasteless thing they've ever heard in a supposedly sensible speech :)
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#3
So what was it?
 
B

Bottleosmoke

Guest
#4
I always start every speech that I am (no longer) asked to do, with the legendary story about the man who woke up one morning and decicided that he, his wife and his dog were going fishing..........................

I still laugh when I think about it.
 
#5
whatever you do, don't forget to mention your new bride. I did and my wife has never forgotten...others remember the wit, the humour and the pathos, she remembers not getting a name-check!
 
#8
How about this one?

"History repeats itself, they say. As my new brides parents many years ago sent her to bed with a dummy, tonight..."
 
#9
There is the old classic, of "Ive prepared a short speech" while you pull out the roll of paper which cascades onto the floor!

Or, from the Father of the bride "I'd like to welcome Jim (the groom) to the family, and if my daughter goes anything like her mother, your in for a great time!" It was one of those, did he really just say that moment!!
 
#10
Or (visual gag) put my hand on top of the brides and say "that's the last time I'm getting the upper hand in this marriage!"
 
#11
Suppose its too late to try and convince you that Wedding abroad a better option.

No worries about whether Auntie X can sit beside Auntie Y without fisticuffs. No speeches to worry about etc..........

Just a thought
 
#12
Marriage is a wonderfull institution for those of us who should be institutionalized...
 
#13
BigRed said:
Suppose its too late to try and convince you that Wedding abroad a better option.

No worries about whether Auntie X can sit beside Auntie Y without fisticuffs. No speeches to worry about etc..........

Just a thought
Agree, Tell everybody that they can come (but they pay their own airfares and hotel)and you find out who really likes you!
 
#14
Oneshot said:
BigRed said:
Suppose its too late to try and convince you that Wedding abroad a better option.

No worries about whether Auntie X can sit beside Auntie Y without fisticuffs. No speeches to worry about etc..........

Just a thought
Agree, Tell everybody that they can come (but they pay their own airfares and hotel)and you find out who really likes you!
I asked people to go all the way to Scotland for mine. That shaved off quite a few from the numbers. :D

Edited to say, before anyone else does, either that or they all thought I was a cnut and just used Scotland as an excuse.
 
#15
milsum said:
Oneshot said:
BigRed said:
Suppose its too late to try and convince you that Wedding abroad a better option.

No worries about whether Auntie X can sit beside Auntie Y without fisticuffs. No speeches to worry about etc..........

Just a thought
Agree, Tell everybody that they can come (but they pay their own airfares and hotel)and you find out who really likes you!
I asked people to go all the way to Scotland for mine. That shaved off quite a few from the numbers. :D
Why Scotland? How far are they coming from? :?
 
#16
As long as you dont mention on your speech that you were locked up in nick until 6am on the day of your wedding, it didnt go down too well in my speech. Then spend the next hour explaining what had gone on and why my brother was still wearing sun glasses inside the hall. How we still laugh after 13 years of marriage especially when I watch the reception video. Well I do anyway.
 
#17
Test the water using:

"I am not saying i am nervous but this isn't the 1st time today i have got out of a warm seat with a bit of paper in my hand."

Need to leave a good pause for the penny to drop.
 
#19
Try :

"Vicar, ladies and gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure. And has done ever since I was about thirteen."

And pause for effect . . . . . 8)
 
#20
To get the guests on yoru side you should start of by saying

Before i start I would just like you to toast the Birdesmaids for the

wonderful job they did and for the incredible way they look

(punters are now in a clapping mood and bridesmaids are

set for copping of with)
 

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