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Wedding Day (Grooms Speech)

#1
Well the day has finally been decided and the Devil has succumbed to the fact he isn't getting any younger and needs a She Devil by his side.

Calling all ARRSERS to task,
To help the Devil get some quality speech material together.

Maybe you have some witty one liners to break the ice,
or some devilish put downs for the baying crowd.

Some anecdotes, Risky Jokes and Banterish Repartee to impart and
make the speech the Dogs B0llocks Etc.

Cheers in advance

DWTD.. :evil:
 
#2
Get yourself a bucket and give every male member in the wedding an old key, ask for whoever had a key for her door to give it back now that you've made an honest woman of her, the sound of xxx ammount of keys hitting a bucket is a belter. May upset the ma in law though!!
 
#3
Now, before I start, the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.
 
#6
They've always told me that before you marry a woman look at her mother to see what she will turn out like.

Well I've looked at ............ mum and I'd definately shag her.
 
#8
i am going to make this 5 miniutes as akward as possibly for (grooms name) and (brides name) akward 5 minutes will be later on in the evening..... wait for laugh (hopefully) so i got you a wedding present you can really use, cyonide. :D

i thought it was funny...................
 
#9
How about (I need this advice also, so please keep it coming) ...

"As a doctor I can tell you that I've checked out the bride and she's fit and healthy and, generally speaking, breeding stock. So if you'd excuse us..."
 
#10
The_Glove said:
i am going to make this 5 miniutes as akward as possibly for (grooms name) and (brides name) akward 5 minutes will be later on in the evening..... wait for laugh (hopefully) so i got you a wedding present you can really use, cyonide. :D

i thought it was funny...................
I tried.---- Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

It went down moderately well.
 
#12
Stand up and say "thanks" then sit down again?

Alternatively, say, "This speech has been checked by the bride. Therefore, if it's wrong, it's her fault!"?

Or:"I knew that (insert name here) was the one for me when we first locked genital piercings and ended up in A&E along with a nurse and a set of bolt cutters. Took bloody ages for the swelling to subside!"
 
#13
"Lets us raise a glass and remember that marriage that marriage is not a word but a sentence................ a life sentence"

As old as the hills i know, but still raises a few smiles. Any chance of getting the speech on arrse (after the big day) for all our amusment.
 
#14
sticky said:
"Lets us raise a glass and remember that marriage that marriage is not a word but a sentence................ a life sentence"

As old as the hills i know, but still raises a few smiles. Any chance of getting the speech on arrse (after the big day) for all our amusment.
Yeah no problems,

Im trying to construct it with a view that there will be a few civvies there, and a majority of well lets say lubricated "P1ssed Squaddies there also.

So am trying to pitch in such a way, as to get a good response from both
ends of the "Cultural Spectrum".... :wink:
 
#16
:D
dance_with_the_devil said:
sticky said:
"Lets us raise a glass and remember that marriage that marriage is not a word but a sentence................ a life sentence"

As old as the hills i know, but still raises a few smiles. Any chance of getting the speech on arrse (after the big day) for all our amusment.
Yeah no problems,

Im trying to construct it with a view that there will be a few civvies there, and a majority of well lets say lubricated "P1ssed Squaddies there also.

So am trying to pitch in such a way, as to get a good response from both
ends of the "Cultural Spectrum".... :wink:
Both ends of the "cultural spectrum" that most likely means there will be a few new annecdotes in the "squaddies trying to behave like proper people thread"
 
#18
The last wedding I was at, the best man got the bride to put her hand on the table and the groom to put his hand on her hand.... he then told the groom to enjoy it as it was the last time he'd ever have the upper hand in the marriage.



it tickled me
 

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