We have all been there - sheer class for a friday!


A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month.By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed
between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place
for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for
the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by
cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation
is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,
New Year.

Your Humble Client

Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T
SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!? This is why we respect our elders. Hope I am that good at 98!

One elder definitely to be respected.
If she does, with their 'minimum income' rule of 75K, she needs to get a new plumber as she is being ripped off something chronic!
Personally I like the fact the bl00dy bank manger like it so much he had it published in the TIMES! He should have been passing up his CoC
Lets hope they listened to the old girl or at least waved her charges.

Be funny if we all did the same though then what would they do!

You just know that she's the type of granny that sticks her walking stick up a cheeky brat's posterior. Outstanding.
some crackers there.
Is you cup always half empty?

Who gives a flying f... so long as it raises a smile on a friday - now go get a life you boring tw*ts

Do have a nice weekend :)

Baz44 said:
Is you cup always half empty?

Who gives a flying f... so long as it raises a smile on a friday - now go get a life you boring tw*ts

Do have a nice weekend :)

Just becuase its your 666 post, no need to act like the devil!!!
Baz44 said:
Is you cup always half empty?

Who gives a flying f... so long as it raises a smile on a friday - now go get a life you boring tw*ts

Do have a nice weekend :)

Are you going to post a story about how a girl got into her car and someone sneaked into the back seat and killed her etc etc.....

And just because you have seen it before - you still don't have to be a tw*t about it :)


P.S Post 667 so I have no excuse now :) Don't worry I know I am a tw*t but what is your excuse?

Have a nice day now!

Latest Threads