We have all been there - sheer class for a friday!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Baz44, Apr 13, 2007.

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    A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

    Dear Sir,

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to
    pay my plumber last month.By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed
    between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the
    funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
    deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place
    for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
    of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for
    the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
    incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

    I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
    calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
    impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
    has become.

    From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
    person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and
    hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by
    cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
    whom you must nominate.
    Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
    other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
    Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
    I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
    as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
    alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
    countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial
    situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
    by documented proof.
    In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
    which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
    I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
    again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
    my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation
    is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
    me, press buttons as follows:

    1-- To make an appointment to see me.
    2-- To query a missing payment.
    3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
    required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
    8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
    9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then
    be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
    for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
    establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,
    New Year.

    Your Humble Client

    Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T
    SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!? This is why we respect our elders. Hope I am that good at 98!
  2. Thats is brilliant -hope the buggers gave her her money back!
  3. Brilliant.

    One elder definitely to be respected.
  4. I wonder if she banks with HSBC in Poole?
  5. If she does, with their 'minimum income' rule of 75K, she needs to get a new plumber as she is being ripped off something chronic!
  6. Personally I like the fact the bl00dy bank manger like it so much he had it published in the TIMES! He should have been passing up his CoC
    Lets hope they listened to the old girl or at least waved her charges.

    Be funny if we all did the same though then what would they do!

  7. You just know that she's the type of granny that sticks her walking stick up a cheeky brat's posterior. Outstanding.
  8. Quality
  9. Somebody get hold of her for SoS for Defence!
  10. some crackers there.
  11. blue-sophist

    blue-sophist LE Good Egg (charities)

    Fabulous ... cheers!
  12. Mr Happy

    Mr Happy LE Moderator

    why it got changed to an old lady of 98 after about 10 years of doing the rounds on the internet is beyond me...