Warranty recall. Planet Earth. Immediate effect

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#1
At the weekend I was chatting with a creationist Christian. A lovely chap although I feel his tweeds may have been off the peg.

He informed me that the world was created by God in five days. Only 6,000 years ago.

Which if true, means it is still under warranty. And whilst I am not a man to complain, it occurs to me there’s one or two things wrong with the place.

The CO’s here seem to have lines into most places, so it’s fair to assume they have a line into God Almighty.

So this is the place to record your warranty recall’s on the planet. I have no doubt they will end up in the right place, and be acted upon with vigour.

I’ll start shall I?

1) The polar caps. They appear to be melting. My daughter loves Polar bears and they are sinking. Kindly sort it. And provide me with a replacement planet until it is fixed.
 
#3
Good Lord! Is this true? I thought the earth was made in Magarathea for experimental purposes.

Anyway can we have the roads fixed? (A good roman firm to do it maybe?)

So long & thanks for all the fish. :crazy:
 
#4
Trees as there so important too maintaining the natural balance to the eco system why did you make them grow so Slow ie Oak tree mahhosive time to mature 'scanky weed' in grotty front yard about a day and a half...


ps was it such a smart idea to make wood so bloody useful either .... :roll:


edited to add i also am keen on cute polar bears also sooo ice caps top of the list please ....
 
S

Screw_The_Nut

Guest
#5
Since people are bloody stupid, and will attempt to live anywhere, can the food shortages in certain places, ie Africa, be sorted?
 
#6
And the intelligence to fertility ratio seems to be out of whack. If you could re-calibrate that would be awfully useful.

Thanks

Oh and nice work on the Corrs sisters, turned out better than the plans suggested.
 
#7
Right, first of all, I want to know who the feck created the plans for the following people

Blair
Brown
The rest of the Labour party
Maureen Messent
Fat birds
Amy Winehouse

Also, why did you have to stick oil and gas in random places around the globe, its like a cruel game.
Whats with Africa? Have an off day did we? Did you think to yourself
'Ive got a bang on idea! Im going to throw loads of people on to a continent with not much going for it and ensure that nasty diseases are rife there'?
Who's idea was it to create the Gallaghers?
Why did you give the 'daddy long legs' really poisonous venom, but gave it no means of using it on anything?

Lord, you are a cruel, cruel barsteward
 
#8
Rain Forests - some useful stuff growing in there, perhaps you could increase areas of such beauty to cover places such as Dewsbury and France.

PS: Please could you get your lad Jesus to stop appearing in loaves of bread etc. A joke is a joke but it's just not funny anymore.
 
#10
Oi God, did the Emperor Mong give you a hand with Japan.
It's full of people and it's only natural resource is Japanese?!
 
#11
TheCheerfulSubbie said:
suits_U said:
Why did you give the 'daddy long legs' really poisonous venom, but gave it no means of using it on anything?
Urban myth, I'm afraid old boy: Daddy Long Legs

And yes, Noel and Liam Gallagher may be a pain in the ring, but boy did You make up for it with Kirsty.....Mmmmm :p
How very dare you insinnuate that the esteemed gentleman Mr Stephen Fry be wrong and that the sin that is wikipedia be correct.

Sir, you are both a fool and a liar.


:wink:
 
#12
Good God sir..... 8O If Stephen says it's true, it must be true! I take it all back, and will be burning down the offices of Wikipedia tonight for making me doubt the wisdom of Mr Fry! :twisted:

As the man in the orthopaedic shoes said: "I stand corrected".
 
#13
:D
Tis true, the man said it on his QI programme, i too was once a non- believer of the daddy long legs tale, but was smited once again by his wisdom on all matters.
 
#14
1492, the Bahamas. Lightning a bit faulty that day, was it? Hurricanes down for maintenance? Couldn't you at least have had a quick fart in the tub?

Mind you, I'll give you hops. Well done on that one. But would you mind explaining the thinking behind women? I'm not complaining, you understand, just genuinely baffled...
 
#17
Fubes said:
Just one thing to question about the plans really,.........France.......Why???
France really is a very nice place, the same goes for the wine and the cheese, surely you mean 'The French.....Why???'

Another one, dear Lord, why did you bury all the really useful organic black gold in the most unreachable godawful places?
 
#18
cometcatcher said:
Fubes said:
Just one thing to question about the plans really,.........France.......Why???
France really is a very nice place, the same goes for the wine and the cheese, surely you mean 'The French.....Why???'
Good points"! Dear almighty, please note the amendment to the question.....

i did forget the french kissing, french knickers, etc, as my missus pointed out/modelled to me, :)
 
#19
suits_U said:
Right, first of all, I want to know who the feck created the plans for the following people

Blair
Brown
The rest of the Labour party
Maureen Messent
Fat birds
Amy Winehouse

Also, why did you have to stick oil and gas in random places around the globe, its like a cruel game.
Whats with Africa? Have an off day did we? Did you think to yourself
'Ive got a bang on idea! Im going to throw loads of people on to a continent with not much going for it and ensure that nasty diseases are rife there'?
Who's idea was it to create the Gallaghers?
Why did you give the 'daddy long legs' really poisonous venom, but gave it no means of using it on anything?

Lord, you are a cruel, cruel barsteward
I think the emperor Mong had a hand in the design 'go on God, it's a fantastic idea'.

God: 'Mmm, just tuck this bit... put that there...
Pooof
God: 'what do you want now your highness? i knew i shouldn't have made you'
the emperor: 'Quiet you, i'm in charge now... unless you want another chiniese burn'
God: 'no, sorry, what can i do for you your mongness?'
Mong: 'well. look. you've been working hard this past week and i thought you should have a rest. here, try this...'
god: 'what is it?'
Mong: 'YOU QUESTION ME?'
God: 'Fcukin' hell no of course not...' Swig, swig. 'it brings fire to my belly; what, may i ask is it?'
Mong: it is the drink called Stella; many years from now it shall be imbibed by your warrior gods, making them strong of fist and weak of memory. continue drinking.'
Several hours later.
God: '...and another thing (etc, etc)'
Mong: i have an idea for an animal to populate that large land mass you have called Australia. first, you must take a beaver...'
God: 'Snigger, snigger'
Mong: 'shut it you tart. take a beaver and stick a duck's bil on it. No you fool, on the front. that's better. now... it's a mammal, but it lays eggs.
God: 'this will confuse darwin'
Mong: 'yes, that's the idea. now give it a poisonous spine on it's rear leg.'
God: 'why oh dark one?'
Mong: 'so it fits in with all the other fcuking dangerous animals you have put on that continent. now give it life and call it a platypus'
God: 'done. thank you oh lord. once more you have helped me beond measure. snore...'
Next morning.
God: 'oh, my head, what happened, who shit in my mouth? what's that? (recall rears it's ugly head) NOOOOOOOO. WTF have i done?? Curse you emperor...'
Mong:'MMMUUUUUHHHHHRRRRRR'.
 

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