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Warning! Tapping Independent Traders

#1
It has come to my notice that a company trading under the above title has started advertising its services in the Poole area, as follows:

Dear Shareholders,

As you know the cornerstone of the company's marketing strategy was the CEO's business card, embossed with the company mission statement "Tapping Independent Traders - we shift your shit!" Unfortunately the Philistines responsible for selling advertising space in the Daily Echo, declined to accept this form of words as an advert in the Man and Van section of business services. We have therefore moved our business to the Rubbish and Skips section, where with no trace of irony, the advert now reads (in bold) "WE DUMP YOUR LOAD". Detractors have tried to tell us that this is a euphemism for defecation, but I have told them they're talking shit.

Business is expected to pick up shortly.

www.PooleVanMan.co.uk

I don't know how I can [recommend] / [warn anyone against] the use of this organisation more urgently, other than to say that they'll scoop up your poo faster than anyone else in the trade. Only brown wipey marks will remain, and they'll smell of roses.

...And for a former scooper of the highest class of poo in Londonderry, that's pretty good going.
 
#5
Simon is an entrepreneur par excellence. His skills in the bs scrubbing and purifying arena are so beyond those of the normal Int Corps ou that I bow, kneel and scrape in deference.

Folks: if you have need of a service to remove your more foul outpourings, this is the one to use. Shakier Poole residents who spend their time in and under the water: this is the guy making it all safer and nicer for you. Be grateful.
 

Glad_its_all_over

ADC
Book Reviewer
#6
Simon is an entrepreneur par excellence. His skills in the bs scrubbing and purifying arena are so beyond those of the normal Int Corps ou that I bow, kneel and scrape in deference.

Folks: if you have need of a service to remove your more foul outpourings, this is the one to use. Shakier Poole residents who spend their time in and under the water: this is the guy making it all safer and nicer for you. Be grateful.
Of course, shaky boating enthusiasts are famous for leaving far less obnoxious residues behind them than certain other, more dryshod footpads, assassins and ne'er-do-wells, who tend to leave a distinctly untidy battlefield.

I have to say, though, this is honestly a brilliant career move. Nice that he's finally found something respectable to do. That just leaves you, now that I've started selling rebadged Malaysian knock-off wirelesses to ignorant Third World dictatorships for a living.
 
#8
... Nice that he's finally found something respectable to do. That just leaves you, now that I've started selling rebadged Malaysian knock-off wirelesses to ignorant Third World dictatorships for a living.
Oi! I'm respectable too now! My day and night shifts as a call-centre drone are over!

This barrier in Nouakchott has never been lifted by a smarter security guard...
 
#10
Ah So Good to see Doctor Death offering his multi-skills again - last time we spoke he was in the Marriage business - trying to persuade me to buy a Russian Bride ! I believe he'll try anything once or twice !!

I would suggest he goes national in the Sun or Star
 
#12
Ah So Good to see Doctor Death offering his multi-skills again - last time we spoke he was in the Marriage business - trying to persuade me to buy a Russian Bride ! I believe he'll try anything once or twice !!

I would suggest he goes national in the Sun or Star
... that's what he was up to here:
1.jpg

- he's a cool customer, alright. Note the salvaged boots and leggings. One previous owner, Stalingrad, '43.
 
#16
But do you have... a chainsaw?
I have a chainsaw, and raise you Black Jake's sit-on lawnmower, an Unmanned Air Cropsprayer squadron, Corps or Army level bird-scaring system, a Combined-arms Harvester ( Regt) and supporting apps to within an InSTant Agricultural Reporting architecture.

BTW glad to see thet PVM is following on in the tradesman's van tradition behind Seagull's Mobile Disco and Boomerang's Masonic Mobile Laundry ( Unit)

Looking forward to catching up with PVM again in the margins of the next Southern Region SB seminar.

PS: the QM says can you come back to re-sign the 1033 on that callsign, he needs to swap the Motorolla 4800 and W15 out, both fitted under the seat, and your new works ticket is ready.
 
#17
Work Ticket ! Work Ticket !

Since I can only recall those who learned to read and write actually filling one in (occasionally) haven't they suddenly become redundant ! Certainly old Simon never filled his in in Bielefeld - he delegated that to the new Corps Lieutenant Colonel

As for writing clear and legibly that took the CLC a little longer to master
 
#18
I have a chainsaw, and raise you Black Jake's sit-on lawnmower, an Unmanned Air Cropsprayer squadron, Corps or Army level bird-scaring system, a Combined-arms Harvester ( Regt) and supporting apps to within an InSTant Agricultural Reporting architecture.
I scoff at your primitive spaghetti-eating cardboard agricultural implements and offer in refutation the finest, hand-crafted from solid PVC, ex-Civil Service-designed Crop Circle Cultivation & Care Infilling, Stimulating and Recycling systems. Our motto: "never knowingly undercharged or over-performing".
 
#19
Seen on my travels, parked in a certain neighbourhood ending with dale in a certain road with a name similar to a Scottish football team. Small world.
 

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