Warning labels for Squaddies

I had a day off today so was watching Mrs McCabe applying make up before going off to her work when I displayed my morning glory to her. She sniffed at the smartest soldier laying in the bed and looked skywards so I said the immortal words "Well it isnt going to suck itself" She laughed and said that all sqauddies should come with a Government Health Warning. Seeing as the expected BJ wasnt on the cards (It will smudge my makeup! Well keep it in your mouth you soppy cow!) I got to thinking what sort of warning should it be. Here is my suggestion:

Warning! This dishevelled individual should be treated with the utmost caution at all times. If he is swearing and twitching like a tourette sufferer on smack then feed him copouis amounts of alcohol until they subside to slurred insults about civvies. On no account should he be left alone with "polite" company, females with large chests, and most importantly of all, Alcohol. If found make sure he's been (Any alleyway should do) and point him in the direction of the barracks or pub depending on whats nearest.
"If lost, please return to the Army. We really can't afford to lose any more."