War declared on RAF. All help welcomed.

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by TheIronDuke, Oct 4, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    I am speaking to you from the Inner Bailey at Alnwick Castle, Northumbria.

    This morning the Northumbrian Ambassador in Alnwick handed the RAF High Command a final note stating that unless we heard from them by 11.00 a.m. that they were prepared at once to say they are very sorry for bombing Northumbria and pay compensation for frightened sheep and pensioners, a state of war would exist between us.

    I have to tell you that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently Northumbria is at war with the RAF.

    You can imagine what a bitter blow it is to me that all my long struggle to win peace has failed. Yet I cannot believe that there is anything more or anything different I could have done and that would have been more successful.

    Up to the very last it would have been quite possible to have arranged a peaceful and honourable settlement between the RAF and Northumbria, but Hitler would not have it.

    Oops. That should read Air Chief Marshal Sir Glenn Torpy KCB CBE DSO ADC BSc (Eng) FRAeS FCGI RAF, Chief of the Air Staff. Not Hitler. Sorry about that.

    He had evidently made up his mind to attack Northumbria whatever happened; and although he now says he has put forward reasonable proposals to find the huge lumps of explosive concrete he has showered upon our innocent heads and those of our sheep. And pensioners , that is not a true statement.

    The proposals were never shown to the sheep, pensioners nor to us; and although they were announced in a broadcast on Radio Lossiemouth, in between Gloria Gaynor singing ‘I will survive’ and ‘Lets Go Fly A Kite’ from the musical Mary Poppins on Thursday night, Hitler did not wait to make comment on them, but ordered his Tornado GR4’s to cross the Northumbrian frontier, blackening the sky like demented bats and making a horrible noise.

    Oops. That should read Air Chief Marshal Sir Glenn Torpy KCB CBE DSO ADC BSc (Eng) FRAeS FCGI RAF, Chief of the Air Staff. Not Hitler. I don’t know what’s going on there.

    His actions show convincingly that there is no chance of expecting that this man will ever give up his practice of using force against innocent sheep and pensioners to gain his will. He can only be stopped by force.

    Scotland (apart from Lossiemouth) and Yorkshire are today, in fulfillment of their obligations, coming to the aid of Northumbria, who is so bravely resisting this wicked and unprovoked attack on her sheep. And pensioners.

    We have a clear conscience. We have done all that any county could do to establish peace. The situation in which no word given to the RAF’s ruler could be trusted and no people or county in Britain could feel themselves safe has become intolerable.

    And now that we have resolved to finish it, I know that you will play your part with calmness and courage.

    At such a moment as this the assurances of support that we have received from the ARRSE are a source of profound encouragement to us.

    When I have finished speaking certain detailed announcements will be made on behalf of Northumbria. Give these your closest attention.

    I have made plans under which it will be possible to carry on the work of Northumbria in the days of stress and strain that may be ahead. But these plans need your help.

    You may be taking part in the design of Trebuchets to lob dead sheep and cows at these flying monsters or as a volunteer in one of the pubs which will now be open around the clock. If so you will report for duty in accordance with the instructions you have received.

    You may be engaged in work essential to the prosecution of war for the maintenance of the life of the people – in farms, quaint tourist tea shops, visitor attractions or in the supply of other necessaries of life like the aforementioned pubs. If so, it is of vital importance that you should carry on with your jobs.

    Now may God bless you all. May He defend the right. It is the evil things that we shall be fighting against – brute force, bad faith, injustice, oppression, persecution, noisy low level flying bats, silly purple uniforms worn by flash bastards who cant tell the difference between the button for the CD autochanger and the big red one marked “Bombs Away And Tally Ho For Home And Tea” – and against them I am certain that the right will prevail."

    *Clicky to the horrible evidence*
  2. You're welcome to invade RAF Boulmer, it's a sh1t hole. An easy reduction in fighting capability could be achieved by offering free drinks at the Falcon's Rest tonight.
  3. RAF bombing northumbria?
    I spy a medal on the way to some lucky pilot!
  4. At the end of the cul de sac where I live are 2 retired RAF types, I'll kick their walking sticks out from under them if that'll help the war effort.
  5. maybe the raf could nuke otterburn flat and dry :twisted:
    do what £895 worth of damage :twisted:
  6. I won't do any work today if that'll help?
  7. I presume you will call on your overseas colonies (Spadeadam and Garvey Island) to join in your pitiful struggle against the might of RAF.

    Should you drop 100,200,300 kgs of bomb we will raise your county to the ground and in return drop 1000,2000,3000 kgs of bombs.

    Bewarned the elite JFACTSU will lead our invasion forces, supported by the highly trained TACPs who even now infiltrate the rain sodden earth of OTA

    SASO to Der Fuhrer

    Attached Files:

  8. :oops: My maternal grandparents and some great uncles and aunts were RAF / WRAF - where do I hand myself in for internment? :oops:
  9. Why would Northumbria have an Ambassador to Northumbria?
  10. No Wah - when did Crabair get the F15?
  11. yeah and they will send Tac Comms Wing (TCW) to keep you on hold for days on end :lol:
  12. It's not an F15 but a Sopwith Camel disguised to look like one as part of Neue Labours Defence review.

    Note the Sustainable Forest Tree sign on the bit above the bit where the driver sits.

    This war could last a long time - Berwick upon Tweed is still at war with the Tsar.
  13. Being an Alnwick lad from many years past, will you lower the blockade for a weary homecoming warrior to join you in your struggle?
  14. *RAF shuffle off to find a map and a white flag* :)
  15. No it isn't. Because it is now part of the UK, it is subject to the treaty signed at the end of the Crimean War.

    As for the pic of the F15, I'm mystified. Presumably it's difficult to find a picture of any of our aircraft in flight, rather than in a state of disrepair on the ground.