War - as a bar fight.

NSP

LE
As the title says: your favourite war told as a (hopefully amusing) bar fight.

To begin, WWI and WWII [also available in several elsewheres on the internet, original origin seemingly indeterminate]...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?
Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper.

When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Austria Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Austria Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway.

Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault. While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.



Still sore from the night before, Germany has had one too many pints. It is sucking up to Russia, deciding it doesn’t want to pay for the drinks that France insists it owes. They then drunkenly shout out that Austria is its brother, man, and Italy is their long time best friend. Sauced now and belligerent, Germany is glaring angrily about the bar. Italy is already marching around, challenging everyone to step outside. America had left the bar some time ago and no one was sure where it’d gone. With nothing better to do, Germany challenges Soviet Russia to an arm wrestling match at the Spanish table, while Japan was in the back room whacking China with a pool cue. Armwrestling over, Germany goes to the bar again and orders another pint and one for Austria. Glancing over to Czechoslovakia, Germany says, “Hey, nice shirt. I want it”. Before Czechoslovakia can jump from the bar stool and take a swing, Britain walks over and stands between the two, saying, “Can’t we just get along? Come on, now, Czechoslovakia, just the shirt, that’s all.” Humiliated, Czechoslovakia hands over the shirt and Britain walks back to the corner table with France saying, “See? Peace in our time.” At the other end of the pub, Italy has finally found someone to fight: it kicks Ethiopia in the goolies as they walk in. Germany, raises their pint glass in salute to Italy. Then they look at Russia, who’s wandered back in after checking on Japan in the back room, and both look over at Poland, who’s been sitting by themselves at a small table - right next to Germany.

Britain and France stare at Germany and Britain wags its finger at Germany. Germany gives them an “aw shucks” grin and then turns and knocks Poland’s beer off the table. Poland stands up to confront Germany beckoning for Britain and France to come over and help. Russia then taps Poland on the shoulder and when they turn around Germany grabs the chair and smashes it over Poland’s head. Russia then rushes in and begins kicking Poland repeatedly as they lay writhing on the floor. Germany turns to Britain and France and makes a “come on then” gesture, but Britain and France slink back to their table and continue to utter threats in low voices. Denmark, Norway, Holland, and Belgium who popped in for a quick one after work all look worried and finish their drinks in a hurry and yell for the bill. Finland who’s been sitting in a corner quietly notices Russia is distracted going through the unconscious Poland’s pockets, and quickly sneaks up behind them and smashes a vodka bottle over their head. Russia gets up, shakes their head, grabs Finland by one arm and tosses them against the wall, knocking them completely out. Russia then goes back to their table in the far corner and sits down to sulk. Japan notices this and slinks out back to see if China has woken up yet.

Britain grabs the phone and calls Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and India and tells them to get down here right quick and oh could one of them pop around to the United States and tell them to grab their baseball bat and come over. Then Britain walks over and stands by France confronting Germany, Italy and their mates now standing in the middle of the room. Everyone else quickly pays their bill and heads for the door. Germany crosses the room, rolls up its sleeves and with four punches knocks Denmark, Norway, Holland and Belgium out cold. Germany then grabs all their wallets and tosses them on a table to sort through later. France is upset that its little cousin Belgium has been taken out and rushes to get at Germany. Italy has finally finished going through Ethiopia’s pockets sees France on the move, sticks out its leg and trips them. When France gets up Germany picks up an entire table and smashes it over their head. France is knocked out for several hours and when they finally wake up they’re slightly schizophrenic and crawl off into a corner to argue with themselves.

Outnumbered and alone Britain barricades itself behind the bar and begins tossing empty pint glasses at Germany, hoping the kids show up soon. Germany and Italy begin sorting out the other tables and strut around the bar. In a corner booth Bulgaria, Hungary and Romania seeing what just happened, stand up and declare that Germany and Italy are their new best mates and buy them a round. Across the street the United States is getting concerned about all the noise and broken windows and wants to go over and take a look, but the missus tells them to sit down and finish their dinner. Shortly after dinner, United States hears a noise in the backyard and investigates just in time to see Japan smashing its tiki themed patio set in retaliation for suggesting they had too much to drink. United States is very upset at this and heads down to bar. Japan also eggs The Netherlands’ house and moons Australia as it heads back to pick on China some more. Italy, while the Germans have their backs turned, decides to pick a fight with the Balkans Football Club which has been sitting in the corner. The BFC is a lot tougher then they look and offers Italy a few good smacks to the face. Italy quickly runs behind Germany and peeks out from behind their legs. Germany turns around with a “WTF!” After sorting out the BFC with some help from its new bestest bud Romania and Hungary, Germany looks around the shambles of the room. Britain is yelling threats at them from behind the bar and Canada is behind them passing a fresh supply of empty bottles to toss.

Then another cry for help from Italy – they’ve decided to rifle the pockets of Egypt who passed out earlier in the children’s sandbox in the corner, but Britain sicked Australia, New Zealand and South Africa on them and they’re all smacking Italy about the kneecaps. Germany sighs and wonders where it can get some better allies. As Germany makes its way to the sandbox, it makes eye contact with a stretching, knuckle cracking Japan, who gives a knowing nod. Japan puffs its chest and makes its way through the ocean of spilled beer to the United States, who’s standing there flat-footed, laughing hysterically, one hand slapping its knee. But USA looks up just in time to see Japan midswing with a big section of broken table. USA reels backwards into Germany, which is not amused and promises to get USA once it’s taken care of the sandbox. Japan, in the meantime, turns around and wails on poor Netherlands, cowering on the floor. The Philippines meanwhile walks out the door, vowing to return. At the end of the bar, India, trying hard to mind its own business gets splashed with beer and starts to get up. After dealing with the sandbox, Germany walks over to Russia hand outstretched in greeting. Russia takes it and get rewarded with Germany’s boot to the nads, and Finland, Hungary, Italy and Romania all pile on.

Bloodied and dazed Russia backs off into the storeroom. To distract Germany, Britain whispers something to Canada, who sneaks across the room and tries to smash a beer bottle on Germany’s head. The bottle fails to break and Germany turns around, grins and punches Canada in the nose. Holding their bloody nose Canada retreats, but keeps a supply of empty pint glasses flowing to Britain. Australia and New Zealand get an urgent call from their wives to come home because Japan is lurking in the garden, and they dash out. South Africa still pissed at Britain for making them take on both Italy and Germany and continues to sulk in the kid’s sandbox. Germany goes looking for Russia in the storeroom to punch it some more, and notices the attractive walk-in freezer with hanging loops of sausage and schnitzel, not realizing Russia is hiding inside waiting with a frozen haunch of ham….. Germany otherwise occupied, Britain kicks sand in Italy’s face. With things getting a bit too quiet in the main bar, Britain and Canada start throwing pickled eggs at Germany’s back. Germany and Russia, encouraged by their new buddies Romania, Croatia, Slovenia, Hungary, Finland and Ukraine, have started a serious game of Russian Roulette in the freezer, so Germany fails to hear Italy’s pitiful screams for help. Italy, having decided that beating up on Ethiopia was training enough to punch at their own weight level, decided to take on Britain, but runs away after getting sodomized by their giant British boot.

Meanwhile, our friendly bartender Switzerland is still sitting there, watching this all unfold, dishtowel in one hand, drink in the other, ducking the occasional flying bottle/chairleg/billiard ball. Our other friendly bartender Sweden is still sitting there, watching, order pad in one hand, weapons licenses for sale in the other and selling brass knuckles to both sides. USA, Canada and Britain now working together, piledrive Italy and knock them unconscious. Then, South Africa, New Zealand and Poland (who left to get a new set of trousers and just got back) all join together and rain blows and kicks and elbows on Germany until it can’t help but beg for mercy. Even Brazil from down the street jumps in as does France who appears to be fine again. Italy and Germany decide that enough’s enough and cry for surrender, with the bar now completely and utterly ruined.

Japan is still poking USA in the back. With a little help from some engineers patronizing the bar, USA heaves the piano over the second floor railing and it lands with deafening noise squarely on Japans head. From underneath a tiny white flag rises from rubble.
 
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As the title says: your favourite war told as a (hopefully amusing) bar fight.

To begin, WWI and WWII...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?
Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper.

When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Austria Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Austria Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway.

Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault. While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.



Still sore from the night before, Germany has had one too many pints. It is sucking up to Russia, deciding it doesn’t want to pay for the drinks that France insists it owes. They then drunkenly shout out that Austria is its brother, man, and Italy is their long time best friend. Sauced now and belligerent, Germany is glaring angrily about the bar. Italy is already marching around, challenging everyone to step outside. America had left the bar some time ago and no one was sure where it’d gone. With nothing better to do, Germany challenges Soviet Russia to an arm wrestling match at the Spanish table, while Japan was in the back room whacking China with a pool cue. Armwrestling over, Germany goes to the bar again and orders another pint and one for Austria. Glancing over to Czechoslovakia, Germany says, “Hey, nice shirt. I want it”. Before Czechoslovakia can jump from the bar stool and take a swing, Britain walks over and stands between the two, saying, “Can’t we just get along? Come on, now, Czechoslovakia, just the shirt, that’s all.” Humiliated, Czechoslovakia hands over the shirt and Britain walks back to the corner table with France saying, “See? Peace in our time.” At the other end of the pub, Italy has finally found someone to fight: it kicks Ethiopia in the goolies as they walk in. Germany, raises their pint glass in salute to Italy. Then they look at Russia, who’s wandered back in after checking on Japan in the back room, and both look over at Poland, who’s been sitting by themselves at a small table - right next to Germany.

Britain and France stare at Germany and Britain wags its finger at Germany. Germany gives them an “aw shucks” grin and then turns and knocks Poland’s beer off the table. Poland stands up to confront Germany beckoning for Britain and France to come over and help. Russia then taps Poland on the shoulder and when they turn around Germany grabs the chair and smashes it over Poland’s head. Russia then rushes in and begins kicking Poland repeatedly as they lay writhing on the floor. Germany turns to Britain and France and makes a “come on then” gesture, but Britain and France slink back to their table and continue to utter threats in low voices. Denmark, Norway, Holland, and Belgium who popped in for a quick one after work all look worried and finish their drinks in a hurry and yell for the bill. Finland who’s been sitting in a corner quietly notices Russia is distracted going through the unconscious Poland’s pockets, and quickly sneaks up behind them and smashes a vodka bottle over their head. Russia gets up, shakes their head, grabs Finland by one arm and tosses them against the wall, knocking them completely out. Russia then goes back to their table in the far corner and sits down to sulk. Japan notices this and slinks out back to see if China has woken up yet.

Britain grabs the phone and calls Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and India and tells them to get down here right quick and oh could one of them pop around to the United States and tell them to grab their baseball bat and come over. Then Britain walks over and stands by France confronting Germany, Italy and their mates now standing in the middle of the room. Everyone else quickly pays their bill and heads for the door. Germany crosses the room, rolls up its sleeves and with four punches knocks Denmark, Norway, Holland and Belgium out cold. Germany then grabs all their wallets and tosses them on a table to sort through later. France is upset that its little cousin Belgium has been taken out and rushes to get at Germany. Italy has finally finished going through Ethiopia’s pockets sees France on the move, sticks out its leg and trips them. When France gets up Germany picks up an entire table and smashes it over their head. France is knocked out for several hours and when they finally wake up they’re slightly schizophrenic and crawl off into a corner to argue with themselves.

Outnumbered and alone Britain barricades itself behind the bar and begins tossing empty pint glasses at Germany, hoping the kids show up soon. Germany and Italy begin sorting out the other tables and strut around the bar. In a corner booth Bulgaria, Hungary and Romania seeing what just happened, stand up and declare that Germany and Italy are their new best mates and buy them a round. Across the street the United States is getting concerned about all the noise and broken windows and wants to go over and take a look, but the missus tells them to sit down and finish their dinner. Shortly after dinner, United States hears a noise in the backyard and investigates just in time to see Japan smashing its tiki themed patio set in retaliation for suggesting they had too much to drink. United States is very upset at this and heads down to bar. Japan also eggs The Netherlands’ house and moons Australia as it heads back to pick on China some more. Italy, while the Germans have their backs turned, decides to pick a fight with the Balkans Football Club which has been sitting in the corner. The BFC is a lot tougher then they look and offers Italy a few good smacks to the face. Italy quickly runs behind Germany and peeks out from behind their legs. Germany turns around with a “WTF!” After sorting out the BFC with some help from its new bestest bud Romania and Hungary, Germany looks around the shambles of the room. Britain is yelling threats at them from behind the bar and Canada is behind them passing a fresh supply of empty bottles to toss.

Then another cry for help from Italy – they’ve decided to rifle the pockets of Egypt who passed out earlier in the children’s sandbox in the corner, but Britain sicked Australia, New Zealand and South Africa on them and they’re all smacking Italy about the kneecaps. Germany sighs and wonders where it can get some better allies. As Germany makes its way to the sandbox, it makes eye contact with a stretching, knuckle cracking Japan, who gives a knowing nod. Japan puffs its chest and makes its way through the ocean of spilled beer to the United States, who’s standing there flat-footed, laughing hysterically, one hand slapping its knee. But USA looks up just in time to see Japan midswing with a big section of broken table. USA reels backwards into Germany, which is not amused and promises to get USA once it’s taken care of the sandbox. Japan, in the meantime, turns around and wails on poor Netherlands, cowering on the floor. The Philippines meanwhile walks out the door, vowing to return. At the end of the bar, India, trying hard to mind its own business gets splashed with beer and starts to get up. After dealing with the sandbox, Germany walks over to Russia hand outstretched in greeting. Russia takes it and get rewarded with Germany’s boot to the nads, and Finland, Hungary, Italy and Romania all pile on.

Bloodied and dazed Russia backs off into the storeroom. To distract Germany, Britain whispers something to Canada, who sneaks across the room and tries to smash a beer bottle on Germany’s head. The bottle fails to break and Germany turns around, grins and punches Canada in the nose. Holding their bloody nose Canada retreats, but keeps a supply of empty pint glasses flowing to Britain. Australia and New Zealand get an urgent call from their wives to come home because Japan is lurking in the garden, and they dash out. South Africa still pissed at Britain for making them take on both Italy and Germany and continues to sulk in the kid’s sandbox. Germany goes looking for Russia in the storeroom to punch it some more, and notices the attractive walk-in freezer with hanging loops of sausage and schnitzel, not realizing Russia is hiding inside waiting with a frozen haunch of ham….. Germany otherwise occupied, Britain kicks sand in Italy’s face. With things getting a bit too quiet in the main bar, Britain and Canada start throwing pickled eggs at Germany’s back. Germany and Russia, encouraged by their new buddies Romania, Croatia, Slovenia, Hungary, Finland and Ukraine, have started a serious game of Russian Roulette in the freezer, so Germany fails to hear Italy’s pitiful screams for help. Italy, having decided that beating up on Ethiopia was training enough to punch at their own weight level, decided to take on Britain, but runs away after getting sodomized by their giant British boot.

Meanwhile, our friendly bartender Switzerland is still sitting there, watching this all unfold, dishtowel in one hand, drink in the other, ducking the occasional flying bottle/chairleg/billiard ball. Our other friendly bartender Sweden is still sitting there, watching, order pad in one hand, weapons licenses for sale in the other and selling brass knuckles to both sides. USA, Canada and Britain now working together, piledrive Italy and knock them unconscious. Then, South Africa, New Zealand and Poland (who left to get a new set of trousers and just got back) all join together and rain blows and kicks and elbows on Germany until it can’t help but beg for mercy. Even Brazil from down the street jumps in as does France who appears to be fine again. Italy and Germany decide that enough’s enough and cry for surrender, with the bar now completely and utterly ruined.

Japan is still poking USA in the back. With a little help from some engineers patronizing the bar, USA heaves the piano over the second floor railing and it lands with deafening noise squarely on Japans head. From underneath a tiny white flag rises from rubble.

You're on afternoon Watch, are'nt you !
 
No, I'm locked down at home and bored shitless.

Far King excellent. With your permission I shall translate it to boxhead and send it over to a couple of mates.
 

Arte_et_Marte

ADC
Moderator
Book Reviewer
@NSP
I would of thought an acknowledgement to your source would've been in order. You can't pass this off as your own.

The whole text was in "The Spectator" in 2010 and there may be an earlier version.
 
Far King excellent. With your permission I shall translate it to boxhead and send it over to a couple of mates.

You might need to ask someone else.

I thought I'd read something similar before. From Nov 20th, 2010.


 

NSP

LE
@NSP
I would of thought an acknowledgement to your source would've been in order. You can't pass this off as your own.

The whole text was in "The Spectator" in 2010 and there may be an earlier version.
I thought is was reasonably obvious that is was a cut n' paste. I mean, a quick study of this august body will show that my grammar is far superior, to start with.

I found it on something called "Quora."

It's just a starter. I'm salivating at the more erudite, witty and history buffing members to "bar fight" such things as the American Revolution, the Napoleonic Wars and the SDW to name but a few.

I don't read The Spectator.
 

NSP

LE
England are playing Italy atm - its not bad .
Find televised sport boring. And I don't have a TV licence any more.

Anyway, enough jaw-jaw. Let's have some war-war!
 

Arte_et_Marte

ADC
Moderator
Book Reviewer
I thought is was reasonably obvious that is was a cut n' paste. I mean, a quick study of this august body will show that my grammar is far superior, to start with.

I found it on something called "Quora."

It's just a starter. I'm salivating at the more erudite, witty and history buffing members to "bar fight" such things as the American Revolution, the Napoleonic Wars and the SDW to name but a few.

I don't read The Spectator.
It was a (not so) subtle reminder that copy/pasting articles in full from other sources is against site rules. Especially without accreditation.
 

W21A

LE
Book Reviewer
Disagree with the Finland bit. Finland wouldn't give Russia any of its crisps, so Russia punched Finland, but Finland fought back surprisingly well, and even had two goes at getting its crisps back.
 
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Goatman

ADC
Book Reviewer
Japan is still poking USA in the back. With a little help from some engineers patronizing the bar, USA heaves the piano over the second floor railing and it lands with deafening noise squarely on Japans head

This.
The piano was a one-off special model called Little Boy, built to order in New Mexico.
Pub Pianist Ms Enola Gay was especially p1ssed-off, as she had just got to grips with a new composition called 'The Instant Sunshine Rag '
 
Falkland had just turned 18, like any coming of age teenager he couldn’t wait for his first legal pint in a pub. Bowling down the South Atlantic high road, chest out, Falkland turns the corner into the public bar in the Britannia Arms. The smell of stale beer and fag smoke hits his nostrils and he sheepishly opens the bar door, pops his head in and sees Brazil, Puru, Mexico and Argentina stood at the bar, singing sea shanties and laughing loudly. Falkland moves to the other end of the bar and tries to get the barman’s eye, Yank the barman sees him, ignores him and continues to serve the South American’s.
Finally after 15 minutes Yank makes his way over and asks Falkland for his ID, 10 minutes later Falkland is stood at the end of the bar on his own nursing his first pint with half of South America staring him out from the other end of the bar. Argentina taking a very unhealthy interest in Falkland’s back end!
It’s Argentina’s round and as he digs deep into his wallet he realises it’s empty, any chance of some tick he asks Yank, yeah, No chance, replies Yank! Argentina wanders over to the other end of the bar, and begins to wind Falklands up, touching his hair and burping his stinking bad beer breath into his face. Falkland’s hackles are up and he clenches his fists in defiance. Argentina is growing in confidence and outrageousness, he puts his arm round Falkland’s shoulder, messing his hair up and trying to dig his wallet out his jeans pocket, the big gay bully is all over the teenager, making a nuisance and causing trouble. Finally, Falkland loses his temper and summoning up all his strength, he punches Argentina as hard as he can, blooding his nose, Argentina takes a step back, shakes his head and grins at Falkland, senior you will pay for that, he says in a gruff accented voice.
Argentina drags Falkland up the other end of the bar and the men begin poking fun at the tiny teenager.
After an hour or so of piss taking and bullying, knackered but defiant, Falkland makes an excuse to use the lav and pushes the bar door open into a corridor. He sees the public phone hanging on the wall, inserts 10p and dials the number. 5 minutes later he’s sat back at the table with the South American’s, my big brother is coming, he’s going to sort you out you bastard he tells Argentina. Who’s your brother then? Argentina asks, Great Britain he says, puffing his chest out. Argentina roars with laugher, ha, that fat lazy has been, he won’t get off his fat arse and come all the way down here.
Meanwhile across town Britain is getting himself ready for a fight, hunting through the draws he pulls out a bright brass knuckle duster, a baseball bat and his matching leather gloves, Marine and Para.
As he cocks his leg over his trusty hog “Invincible”, he kicks her into life and roars up the road, a deep gurgling roar, with flames popping out the exhaust as he slips the clutch and changes up a cog. He knows he’s got a ride ahead of him and he pulls his bandanna down as the rain begins to lash his face.
Meanwhile back in The Malvinas, as it’s now been renamed, Argentina is imposing himself on the ragged teenager, making him fetch and carry beer, pay for the rounds and rifling through his pockets to see what’s worth robbing. Some of Argentina’s flunkies have now joined him in the bar and the beer is flowing freely, the South American is getting very drunk and taking liberties with Falkland. He stinks of sweat, beer and bad breath. Falkland is feeling quite sick and wonders where is big brother is.
Suddenly the bar door swings open and Britain is stood there, dark blue jeans, black shoes, white T-shirt and a black leather jacket tossed over his left shoulder, cocktail stick in the corner of his mouth.
Argentina clicks his fingers at one of his flunkies and points at the cool Brit stood in the doorway. The flunky, known in the gang as Balgrano flies across the room, circles the big Brit and closes in on him. Suddenly with a speed and deftness that no one was expecting, Great Britain lands a punch on Balgrano’s nose, so hard the Argentine goes down like a sack of shite, there’s no getting up from that blow! The other flunkies back away.
Britain wades across the room, his knuckles flexing as Marine & Para, his trusty gloves protecting his hands.
As Britain crosses the room, one of the flunkies, throws a curve ball across the room and it hits Britain right in the balls, causing him to wince and go down on one knee. Regaining composure he slowly lifts his bulking body back up onto two up right legs. Argentina looks him up and down, he’s lost weight since he last saw him and he swears he’s been working out!
The rest of the South American’s sit at their table watching the fight, Yank the barman steps from behind the bar and stands between the two men. Boys, come on, let’s all have a beer and try and sort this out as friends. The Argentine smiles, bearing his yellowey teeth. Britain tells Yank to tell the South American to release his little brother or he’ll get angry and things might turn messy. After much posturing Argentina slaps the teenager round the back of his head. That’s it, Britain’s back is up now, the Yank steps aside as Britain lands a few punches into the Argentine’s ribs, his bulk twists and crumples, he rises to his feet and throws a few weak punches Britain’s way. Britain retaliates with a half dozen or so blows to Argentina’s kidneys, the South American holds his hands up, down on one knee, he grins, and seems to suggest surrender, just as Britain holds out a hand to pull him to his feet, the sleaze ball punches the Brit right in the Coventry’s, Britain wouldn’t mind so much, but he used a French knuckle duster to do it!
Falkland is sat in the corner, whispering encouragement to his older brother, telling him where to punch him. The Argentine backs off, but the Brit is mad now, he rushes the big guy and lands a few punches around his head, then with all his might, he lands the killer blow, an upper cut, right on the fat bastard’s chin, the South American goes down, beat, exhausted and cut.
The Argentine holds up his hands, the white flag is flying over Stanley tonight gentlemen!
Britain, grabs his brother and pulls him to a table the other side of the bar, they sit down together, Yank brings them a cold pint each. They chat, looking across the bar at the Argentine, We’re gonna have to get us some more protection if we’re gonna hang around in this bar, oh and go tear down that feckin sign, this is the feckin Britannia, not some shitty Spanish sounding shite!
 
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NSP

LE
Ukraine is sitting at a table with a load of pints and cocktails lined up when Russia walks in and plonks himself down at Ukraines table and promptly takes some of Ukraines cocktails, the Luhansk Leaper, Donetsk Dipper and Crimean Cupcake. Ukraine rips up some beermats in rage and throws them in Russia's face. Russia laughs.

Poland frowns a bit from over in the corner and the UK says it's not on but otherwise everyone carries on.

Eight minutes later Russia makes a grab for all of Ukraines pints. Ukraine throws his arms around his stash and manages to keep most of it. Russia downs the couple of pints he nabbed and throws the glasses at Ukraine.

The UK tells Russia he's out of order and gives Ukraine a big bag of peanuts. The UK tells the US that Russia is starting on Ukraine and Poland's not happy about it. The USA frowns and says it's not on and he'll have a look at the menu and treat Ukraine to something tasty. Poland gives Ukraine some fresh beermats. Ukraine flicks peanuts and frisbees beermats at Russia.

Germany says it will buy Ukraine a couple of pints.

The USA buys Ukraine some really strong cocktails. Ukraine immediately throws them at Russia.

Ukraine knocks Russia's wallet off the table. Russia claims that it was an accident.

Russia picks up a full keg of lager and threatens to swat the entire bar with it. Russia claims it's got plenty more kegs where that one came from.

Germany says it's changed its mind and is not now going to get the drinks in.

Several countries point out that Russias kegs of lager have probably gone off as they haven't been stored correctly.

The UK, the USA, the Czech Republic and Romania send a load of pints of bitter in proper heavy handle glasses over to Ukraine.

Ukraine downs its bitter and promptly starts smashing Russias fingers and toes repeatedly, breaking the bones in multiple places. The glasses are so expertly wielded that each strike makes Russias nails fly off and into the air.

Australia sends a load of trays over to Ukraine to help him move his drinks away from Russias grasp.

Russia keeps trying to nick more of Ukraines drinks. Ukraine lets Russia have a few to lull him into a false sense of security.

Germany tells Ukraine that he'll buy him dinner.

Ukraine flicks more peanuts at Russia, distracting him and stopping him reaching for Ukraines drinks all the time.

Belorussia eggs Russia on and carries some of Russias drinks over to Ukraines table but otherwise minds its own business.

Germany says that dinner's off.

Whilst Russia is distracted by the peanuts and having his fingers broken Ukraine nicks his shotglass back, although it's in rag order. Ukraine also nips around behind Russia and lands some solid blows on Russias back.

Poland offers to take Ukraines Pringles over to the table where all the African nations are sitting before Russia steals them all and the Africans get hungry.

Russia starts windmilling but Ukraine puts up his dukes and blocks a lot of the blows. Ukraine dances around landing some good jabs on Russia.

Russia resorts to trying to grab Ukraines drinks again but Ukraine keeps slamming handles down on his hands.

Russia waves his keg of lager about again. USA says that if Russia drops his keg then it could get nasty. Sweden and Finland join USAs gang. Russia sulks for a bit then makes a lunge for Ukraines gin and tonic.

Russia stands up and swings his chair at Ukraine. Ukraine checks the blow and gives Russia a couple of dead arms.

The UK says it's nipping out to sort some trouble at home but will send another bag of peanuts over soon, and maybe some pork scratchings.

Both countries sit down and flick peanuts at each other again. Russia carries on trying to take Ukraines drinks.

To be continued...
 
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