Wanted: Professional Grief Monkeys

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by Blogg, Mar 26, 2013.

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  1. Mourners-for-rent hired to blub at funerals - Telegraph

    45 squids an hour to have a bit of a lip quiver and dust in eyes episode, mumble through service, lie through teeth and then neck down free drink and grub at wake.

    Sounds all good to me. Mind you if they ship me up to Hull (very popular there it seems) when Two Jags Prescott finally eats himself to death would have to try very hard not to laugh
     
  2. At least two thousand years old.
     
  3. "And he lived his life like a fat **** in the wind ................." :)
     
  4. Sounds good. I love moaning, is it guaranteed work all the time?
     
  5. Time to vacuum-up the grief whores in the RIP threads here and start an agency then.

    Making the drunken fúckers stop crying will be the challenge.
     
  6. There's a piss up afterwards right? Count me in.
     
  7. woopert

    woopert LE Moderator

    We've got a load of squaddy cock hunting grief whores around this place to keep them in business for years. If only you could tolerate the acres of shite poetry, piss poor quality saccarine YouTube videos dedicated to "our boys", and the endless "stand easy brave warrior" internet posts.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Don't forget "Semper Fi marine"

    That still makes me cringe just thinking about it.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  9. Cheers for that. I've been looking for some of them.

    No-one is getting **** all out of my estate. Not one penny. It's all going on a send off fit for a madman.

    For starters, I'm going to be shrink wrapped in a gimp suit and sent on an oddesy through the cosmos in a clear plastic rocket. That's gonna cost a bit, so no coffin for me, just a rocket fizzing in the churchyard with me in the top of it in my gimp suit.

    Professional mourners - oh yes. Wailing and gnashing their teeth. Shawaddy Waddy playing by my grave rocket. Little Richard and Tom Jones playing together. The band of the Royal Marines and a piper playing a Lament.. All playing different tunes at once. A DJ to play Boney M and oo ee oo aa ting tang walla walla bing bang. Presided over by a Hell Fire preacher shipped in from Louisiana and dressed as Elvis yelling over the din. Be nice if Gazza could turn up with a few cans and his fishing rod.

    And a flypast from The Battle Of Britain memorial flight.

     
  10. Your new word for today:

    Moirologist
     
  11. It's not going to be a funeral... sort of a cacophophany. You'll get an idea if you press play on everything at once.

    Feel free to add suggestions.
     
  12. Now we're getting somewhere!
     
  13. Sounds like the perfect job for Scousers.

    Oh wait - I just mentioned 'job' and 'Scousers' in the same sentence HAHAHA! If the one Scouser that can read happens to see this, the entire city will claim for stress.
     
  14. Cheers, I was feeling incredibly euphoric after just returning from a bracing run along the beach with my faithful hund. I am now coughing up bile remembering those ball shrinking words from the world's greatest internet military strategist that is Werewolf.
     
  15. No problem, to brighten your day up even more I shall randomly text you quotes from Cock-a-lot frog and Dinosaur-poo throughout the day.