Wales - a Brief Guide

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by JoeCivvie, Apr 9, 2012.

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  1. Following on from the Wiki piece Scotland - an Explanation, I decided to also add a definitive background to Wales.

    God (being an Englishman) felt that there should be a barrier between the heathen unwashed Irish and the people of England, so he tipped a Godly load of hard-core on the west coast and called it ‘Wales’.

    The Welsh People

    It has often been posited that the Welsh are actually the original ‘English’ who were driven into the western mountains by the Romans, Angles, Saxons, Vikings, Somalians, etc., etc., et bloody cetera.

    Given the propensity of the Welsh to be fucking ugly and spend lots of time underground (are the two connected?) then their original ‘English’ ancestors must have consisted of Orcs, Goblins and Dwarves - ugly fucking races which like to be underground*.

    “Day Walkers’ (see below) are the above mixed with a few Spanish Armada survivors (those that weren’t fucked AND eaten) and a few Scousers on the run.

    *Exceptions such as Catherine Jenkins were obviously kidnapped from English families during border raids – see below

    ‘King’ in Welsh means he who has the biggest harem of sheep.

    The original Welsh were allegedly Druids – long-haired hippy types who took hallucinogenic drugs, mumbled and hung around wearing hoodies. The modern Welsh are pretty much the same.

    Real masochists who felt that they could be even MORE miserable than being just Welsh turned to the Methodist Chapel. This meant that they were still Welsh but couldn’t drink.

    The other Welsh religion is Rugby, which allows them to cuddle up to other men’s bums, sing and drink a lot.

    The Welsh like to wear dresses, but they like their women to dress like red-coated soldiers. Draw your own conclusions.

    When you live in a cold, damp underground environment breathing in coal dust it’s understandable that your language will evolve from coughing, hacking and spitting.

    In the Welsh case it just hasn’t evolved very far.

    Welsh culture revolves around male voice choirs, rugby scrums, mining and men-only miners’ welfare clubs. You may begin to see a pattern here - Daffyd is most definitely NOT the only gay in the village, although how such a dour, miserable fucking race could be called ‘gay’ is beyond your humble author.

    The original inhabitants (the assorted Orcs, goblins and dwarves – see above) ate coal, because there isn’t much else to eat underground. When a brave few (the ‘day-walkers’) ventured above ground, the sum total of the Welsh contribution to the Global culinary adventure was a green sloppy mess made from sea-weed called ‘lava bread’. This resembles seal shit, and probably tastes the same. It says much about the Welsh that ‘lava bread’ is neither made from lava nor is it bread.

    The Welsh also eat lamb and mutton, which has made some people suspect that they are also related to Black Widow Spiders – another species which also fucks and eats its mates.

    Probably the biggest claim to fame for the Welsh is the defence of Rourk’s drift.

    The county designation of the 24th Regiment in 1879 was the 2nd Warwickshires; they didn't change their title to the South Wales Borderers until 1st July 1881 - almost exactly two years after the war had ended. The most that can be said is that the Welsh connection had, by 1879, led to a rather higher proportion of Welshman in the ranks than was common elsewhere. Nevertheless, even the most optimistic search of the regimental roll can find only 19 men of B Company, 2/24th, with any sort of Welsh connection - out of a total strength of more than 80. Of course, there were detachments of numerous other units - including Colonial Volunteers - present at the battle, making a total garrison of about 145 - Welsh contingent comprised no more than 15% of the total.

    So the Welsh can fuck off about Rourk’s Drift.

    Before discovering that coal could also be burnt (after the Welsh stole the secret of fire from the Cornish in 1852) as well as eaten, the main Welsh export was thieving. This usually took the form of raids across the border into England, where the Welsh would rustle new wives and also women to do the cooking, washing etc.

    The English therefore place a ring of castles on the border to prevent such large-scale thievery, and imposed an English Prince of Wales. The Welsh have never forgiven this, and often gather in Big Hut to mutter darkly about the Sais before watching rugby on the Welsh National TV set (black and white with a 20 inch screen).

    The main exports from Wales are now:
    Coal, slate,thieving, male-voice choirs, drugs, singers and slags
    • Like Like x 14
  2. Will you be doing chapters covering the Scotch and Irish?
  3. Se the link in the first line of the first post!
  4. Yeah,but yours are funnier and original.............
  5. You smooth-talking bastard. OK, but just tops on the first date...

    That link isto my explanation of Scotchland.
  6. OK now I've read the wiki it makes more sense.
  7. JoeCivvie

    Top post mate.

    Can you add that the greatest ever invention attributed to the Welsh is 'cheese on toast' please?

    I also seem to remember that Welsh in Saxon means slave or foreigner. In Latin languages the word for Wales is 'Galles' (from Italian) which bears a striking resemblance to Gauls, our favourite unwashed cheese munching surrender monkey EU neighbours.

    Further to this the language of Brittany is very similar to the filthy tongue of Wales, that coarse monosyllabic grunting that they do when serving their English masters burgers "over by here' on the M4.
  8. fu2

    fu2 LE

    very amusing although the welsh half of me says I should kill you, fuck you (or was it the other way round) and eat you.
  9. To give credit to the Welsh though, they did resist Rome for a much longer period than the English did. They also didn't go running to the French every time the English shouted at them like the Scottish.
    • Like Like x 6
  10. I believe the "English" (Angles, Saxons, Jutes etc.) didn't actually take over until the Romans had more or less left. Before then, the population of the British Isles were mostly Celts. But I suppose those facts don't allow so much internecine slanging...
  11. True. I'll rephrase it then and say those tribal kingdoms in boundaries known as England today.
  12. You mean they lack ambition.

    Unless incest can be deemed an achievement.
  13. Ambition is what fucked the Scottish over with all their in-fighting.
  14. As still seen residually in names such as "Sherbourne-in-Elmet" in Yorkshire, Elmet being a Celtic kingdom. If you haven't read it already, The Warlord Trilogy ("The Winter King", "Enemy of God" and "Excaliber") by Bernard Cornwell covers this era really well, putting the tales of King Arthur into a more realistic context in terms of time and location. Brilliant writing.
  15. I think you'll find much the same with the Oirish. Wasn't it one of their kings who invited the Normans over to help out, and thus the Normans began to take over?

    Also I'm sure a North Walean sold out the rebellious southern Welsh tribe to the Romans.

    And as for the Jocks, it's always been anything to the highest bidder.

    There was one really decent Welsh king who kept us pinned down and we never got him, the name escapes me.

    Truth is, Wales is my favourite part of the UK. I want to relocate there soon.