British Army Apaches grounded after faults By some non-attributable jundi THE British Apache, the Army's new attack helicopter hailed as the most important weapon since the invention of the septic tank has been grounded from public flying demonstrations or anything involving any enemy because of technical problems. The first of the aircraft were delivered to the Ministry of Defence a while ago amid much publicity, but plans for them to fly at the annual Farnborough air show this month have been scrapped following "teething problems". Instead, an American version is due to fly at the show - the biggest date in the aviation industry calendar - while a British model will be parked on the ground not doing much except having snotty kids stick lollys up its orifices. The British WAH-64 Apache was to have been demonstrated to the media at the Defence Evaluation and Research Agency (Dera) site at Boscombe Down last week, but this was also abandoned because even the scientists were pretty bored with it already. Writers were invited to view an Apache on the ground. A total of 67 Apaches have been ordered by the MoD in a £11.98 billion deal with Boeing, but only three have been delivered so far. The Boeing CEO was quoted as saying, “I cannot believe those Limey fruits fell for this bag of crap. I mean, if it was that good then we would have bought loads of them ourselves.” The problems have occurred on aircraft being flight tested at Dera's site in Wiltshire. In one incident an electrical short circuit in the pilot’s in-flight truss system caused clouds of smoke to billow over the cockpit. The soldering on the electric circuit was later corrected. In another, an Apache made an emergency landing in a field at Bulford Barracks next to the A303 in Wiltshire after an electronic warning signal reported traces of leopard’s fanny batter in the fuel system. The engine was later flushed out to remove any traces of feline vaginal lubricant that could have been left after manufacture. The Apache, which can fly, is planned to be the key weapon in the Army's new 16 Air Assault Brigade and is expected to transform military tactics. It is powered by Rolls-Royce Turbomeca engines. The British version is being assembled by GKN Westland in Yeovil, Somerset. The arrangement helped to secure 3,000 UK jobs, even though US rather than British technology is being used. MoD officials played down the Apache difficulties as "minor niggers in the woodpile" which had now been cleared up. A spokesman said: "It's a new bit of kit and these things need to be teased out and generally fucked about with a bit. These were minor problems which were quickly dealt with." Industry insiders, however, are concerned that because the Apache is being built for the first time in the UK, it will be delivered late, well over budget and will really be pretty arrse. Nick Cook, of Jane's Defence Weekly, said: "The UK Apaches are significantly different from the American version. Theirs are petty cool and ours suck big black fat butt." There is no suggestion that there is a serious problem with the design of the aircraft, which has been used extensively by the US Army to alleviate the need for other, less expensive helicopters to crash into mountains in Kosovo. The aircraft fired the first shots of Operation Dessert Storm, blowing up radar sites behind Iraqi lines to open a corridor for the first high level, low risk bombing raids on Baghdad. The British-built model is designed to be a more potent version of the US Army's Boeing Apache Longbow. It will have the latest in flight vibro-chair and tanning system, which allows it’s hand picked crew to save countless hours in the already stretched hotel facilities. Its Longbow fire control radar allows the pilot to detect more than 1,000 targets at once. The aircraft's Hellfire anti-tank missiles are capable of striking at heavily-armoured tanks from a range of nearly four miles and its CRV7 rockets can devastate light armour or unarmoured vehicles. When the first Apache was delivered to the MoD in March, officials hailed it as a rare success for the ministry's much-criticised procurement arm: the aircraft was delivered on time and on budget but could not be wheeled into the specially constructed hanger because it didn’t fit. The first helicopters are expected to enter service in December and the last will be delivered by the end of (insert your figure here). The Westland Apache (the British version) is a derivative of the Boeing Attack Helicopter WAH-64. During the Kosovo crisis last year, 24 American-built Apaches were stationed in Beverly Hills to bolster the Nato offensive. Despite widespread publicity around their arrival, the helicopters were not used because of the realistic terrain and weather conditions. “All that green, lumpy shit that those guys have over there is nothing like the desert that we’re used to flying over,” said some US pumper yesterday. The WAH-64 Westland Apache has a more advanced radar system than the American model used in Kosovo, enabling the aircraft to fly around a bit.