Wacky Lines of Legal Defense - can you better it?

#1
From the Abu Ghraib court martial....

The lawyer for Charles Graner, the alleged ringleader of the Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal, yesterday compared heaping naked Iraqi prisoners in a tangled pyramid to choreographed displays by high-school cheerleaders.

"Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year? Is that torture?" Guy Womack asked a 10-member military jury in Fort Hood, Texas.

and.....

he also defended the tethering of prisoners on a leash as a legitimate method of control.

"You're keeping control of them. A tether is a valid control to be used in corrections," he said. "You've probably been at a mall or airport and seen children on tethers - they're not being abused."



Can you better those excuses and arguements? I don't think I can!
 
#2
Though yet to be used in Court (though we live in hope), Bliar's excuses about 45 min WMDs are as risible as anything an American lawyer could think up.

Mind you, by the time Bliar is in front of the military tribunal, he will undoubtedly have had a Blind Pugh stylee memory lapse.
 
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error_unknown

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#3
I'm not entirely sure that Sgt Graner is getting his money's worth from this lawyer. I suspect legal argument number three will be: 'Some big boys made him do it, but they ran away'.
 
#4
a Blind Pugh stylee memory lapse.
Pugh: "I did not lie, my recollection was wrong". And the difference is?

Henry McLeish, formerly First Minister at the Jock Palace for Glorified Councillors when caught mixing official expenses with his domestic arrangements said,

"It’s a muddle, not a fiddle".
 
#5
Seadog said:
a Blind Pugh stylee memory lapse.
Pugh: "I did not lie, my recollection was wrong". And the difference is?

Henry McLeish, formerly First Minister at the Jock Palace for Glorified Councillors when caught mixing official expenses with his domestic arrangements said,

"It’s a muddle, not a fiddle".
The Irish Ranger's defence,when accused of murdering his officer"It was a mistake I meant to shoot my Sergeant!"
 
#6
When we were teenagers, mate who had the worst driving record of anyone I knew had been stopped no tax/insurance/driving licence/ dodgy lights for about the 30th time.

Conducted own defence in the magistrates court and claimed that as it was in the run up to Christmas and he was a baker, he was unable to get mince pie production out of his head and had felt compelled to go into work (2am-ish) to ensure there were sufficient pies. Walked out with something like a £10 in fines and the court in stitches.
 
#7
Classic defences for todays society.

I came from a broken home, where mum didnt buy me a PS2 or a burberry shirt. therefore i had to become a little torag tearaway and steal them for myself.

Somebody got to explain why i aint got no Sh1t!

I was trying to fit in with my schoolmates

Its the drugs fault

Mum didnt love me!

Dad loved me too much 8O

It was the shops own fault for having such effective advertising, high prices and low security :D

agent smith
 
#9
Someone sent me this the other day...
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The father also wanted custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story, too.

After a long silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: 'Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?'
Hope it helps :)
 
#10
Gravelbelly said:
galgenberg said:
The Irish Ranger's defence,when accused of murdering his officer"It was a mistake I meant to shoot my Sergeant!"
Errr.... Pte M'Caffrey (aka McCafferty - see http://mysongbook.de/msb/songs/m/mccaffer.html), 32nd Regiment:

"I didn't intend to murder, and I didn't intend it for the colonel, but for the captain".

Didn't work as a defence then.....
Pedant!!! but thanks for the info :lol:
 
#11
stickybomb said:
Someone sent me this the other day...
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The father also wanted custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story, too.

After a long silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: 'Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?'
Hope it helps :)

:lol: :lol: :lol: PMSL
 
#13
Reminds me of spurious insurance claim stories:

" I reversed into a driveway that wasn't mine and hit a tree I don't have"

or

"I hit the bus stop as my view was obscured by a queue of pedestrians"

or

"I had to swerve several times before I hit the sad old looking gentlemen"
 
#14
Who's Your Daddy?

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms:

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue, where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad, as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
 
#16
BigJobs said:
Who's Your Daddy?

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms:

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue, where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad, as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
I once worked for the 'agency' my, one of first interviews with a single mother went like this:

Me:Do you know the name of the father?
Mother no, it happened at a sheet party
Me: what is a sheet party?
Her you put up a sheet men on one side women on the other you cut a hole in the sheet and take it in turns to shag each other through the hole
Me so do you have any idea who you had intercourse with
Her no, but i could ask my mum, she was at the party with me.
end interview.
 
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error_unknown

Guest
#17
manchestercop said:
"i'm dsylexic
:lol: :lol:

Anyway, I thought it was customary in Manchester for the arrested to say things like 'Please stop hitting me with your truncheon, officer, please.' :D
 
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error_unknown

Guest
#19
manchestercop said:
chickenpunk said:
customary in Manchester for the arrested to say things like 'Please stop hitting me with your truncheon, officer, please.'
:lol:
I see you've been to and been arrested in Manchester then chickenpunk :D
Never been arrested there, but it is the only place I've ever been 'stopped and searched' by the Police. Fascist swines!
 
#20
was once in court and 4 men were on trial for conspiracy to rob - various weapons, masks etc had been found in their homes and the lead defendant's excuse for having a stun gun was that he used it when he went fishing! Jolly unsporting if this was remotely true!
 

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