W@nk Aid (Not a new charity)

After not an insignificant amount of time spent practicing the art of self gratification I’ve come to a point where I need something more stimulating than pornhub and a lubed up rubber glove to help me reach my special place.

Now, I’m pretty new to the world of masturbatory aids and I know that this will seem to some "a bit conventional," but I have a dog and am currently toying with the idea of jamming up my cock with Robinson’s finest and letting her have at it with her freakishly long dog-tongue. I do feel though that the viscosity of the jam will be all wrong and will require liberal re-applications mid “wank”. I noted with interest however, whilst making myself breakfast the other day, that peanut butter takes much more effort, therefore time, on her part to lick from the back of a butter knife and therefore also my Winky…probably.

I’m hoping that this endeavour will go more successfully than the time I tried to stick a freshly laundered pair of rugby socks up me bum mid thrap to “see what all the fuss was about.” I desisted though when I suspected that “this sort of thing isn’t for me”; suspicions later confirmed when an A&E doctor slipped me a digit after a particularly boozy night out went horribly horribly wrong…

Assuming, however, it doesn’t go all that well I’d like advice on better sugestions for a suitable wanking aid?*

What things other than peanut butter (lumpy or smooth?) would work better and (essentially) not be harmful to my todger or (possibly) my dog. What other household objects can, with a bit of imagination, be turned into objects of onanatory pleasure? Or should I just carry on with my hand to gland combat in the normal manner?

*Stories about succesfull or failed wank based experiments also welcome!

This being ARRSE there’s probably already a thread about this, in which case can someone point me in the right direction in order that I can further my research.
I heard that a Jam jar full of liver is quite close to the real thing, after you relived yourself quick wash bung in some onions and you can have a quick meal
Hire a Thai lady boy. Much less fuss and you get your house spring cleaned afterwards.
I have a German friend and he told me that while porn fired up his imagination he had to finish “with this”, and pointed to his head. It’s the sort of talent I can only admire.

Perhaps you could try the same. My German friend’s head is available at a low, low cost.
Interesting so far, although a few points that spring up...

Bovril however. your man's best friend might get too carried away.
Yes, I'm not 100% sure about using meat based products with my dog for precisely that reason!

I'm assuming i'm meant to warm up the liver pre coitus or it'd just feel like shagging, Ted Bundy style?

Thai ladyboys? I'd probably find it a bit difficult to explain to the missus as to why exactly there's a Thai family now living under the floorboards...although admittedly i doubt it'd be much easier to explain why i have my pants around my ankles and the dog is licking my nut-sack...
marmite for the pooch, sticks like napalm, and some sort of long hoop diddling vibrator device. make sure its sooper thin and long enough so you don't abuse your grapes

beware the follow through though and don't take up any dubious offers jarrod throws at you

or try handstands and wanking in your own face
I recently invested in a Fleshlight. Quite superb.

Can be used 'solo' or by an obliging female.

Google search for 'Fleshlight'. Fairly expensive but you're worth it!!!!
Personally, after jumping on some schoolgirl on her way home from classes, I find very little need to masterbate. Weekends and school holidays can be problematic however I live near a retirement village and any of the old biddies wild claims can always be put down to Alzheimers.

So tip of the day - make sure they're either too young or too old to be taken seriously.

I shall now slink off an await incoming :)
If you're right handed try it with your left (or vice versa).

Liver smells funny - try some soft centred fruit, like a grapefruit.

I've wondered what sucking a cock feels like, maybe we can help each other?! (did I say that aloud?)
Here's what you need - with thanks to Jarrod for reminding me of the forgotten joys of a tin of Compo sausages.

You know the drill - open tin, remove centre sausage - enjoy

And when you've finished you can always cook 'em up and give them to your pals


Get yourself a labrador, knock its teeth out, smother your bits in peanut butter and give the dog free run.

Im not saying it will work, but im intruiged to know what happens.

Failing that, get off the internet and find a woman, you sad wnaker :)
Austen_D said:
Shag some mince meat in a glass.
Might I suggest making sure you don't get those two the wrong way around 8O
GeneralMalaise said:
I recently invested in a Fleshlight. Quite superb.
Can be used 'solo' or by an obliging female.
Google search for 'Fleshlight'. Fairly expensive but you're worth it!!!!
Can we canvas to get them issued as part of the Op HERRICK kit list?
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