W@nk Aid (Not a new charity)

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Father_Gundulph, Jul 22, 2009.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. After not an insignificant amount of time spent practicing the art of self gratification I’ve come to a point where I need something more stimulating than pornhub and a lubed up rubber glove to help me reach my special place.

    Now, I’m pretty new to the world of masturbatory aids and I know that this will seem to some "a bit conventional," but I have a dog and am currently toying with the idea of jamming up my cock with Robinson’s finest and letting her have at it with her freakishly long dog-tongue. I do feel though that the viscosity of the jam will be all wrong and will require liberal re-applications mid “wank”. I noted with interest however, whilst making myself breakfast the other day, that peanut butter takes much more effort, therefore time, on her part to lick from the back of a butter knife and therefore also my Winky…probably.

    I’m hoping that this endeavour will go more successfully than the time I tried to stick a freshly laundered pair of rugby socks up me bum mid thrap to “see what all the fuss was about.” I desisted though when I suspected that “this sort of thing isn’t for me”; suspicions later confirmed when an A&E doctor slipped me a digit after a particularly boozy night out went horribly horribly wrong…

    Assuming, however, it doesn’t go all that well I’d like advice on better sugestions for a suitable wanking aid?*

    What things other than peanut butter (lumpy or smooth?) would work better and (essentially) not be harmful to my todger or (possibly) my dog. What other household objects can, with a bit of imagination, be turned into objects of onanatory pleasure? Or should I just carry on with my hand to gland combat in the normal manner?

    *Stories about succesfull or failed wank based experiments also welcome!

    This being ARRSE there’s probably already a thread about this, in which case can someone point me in the right direction in order that I can further my research.
  2. Dennis48

    Dennis48 War Hero

    I heard that a Jam jar full of liver is quite close to the real thing, after you relived yourself quick wash bung in some onions and you can have a quick meal
  3. Hire a Thai lady boy. Much less fuss and you get your house spring cleaned afterwards.
  4. ScouseD

    ScouseD LE

    I have a German friend and he told me that while porn fired up his imagination he had to finish “with this”, and pointed to his head. It’s the sort of talent I can only admire.

    Perhaps you could try the same. My German friend’s head is available at a low, low cost.
  5. Interesting so far, although a few points that spring up...

    Yes, I'm not 100% sure about using meat based products with my dog for precisely that reason!

    I'm assuming i'm meant to warm up the liver pre coitus or it'd just feel like shagging, Ted Bundy style?

    Thai ladyboys? I'd probably find it a bit difficult to explain to the missus as to why exactly there's a Thai family now living under the floorboards...although admittedly i doubt it'd be much easier to explain why i have my pants around my ankles and the dog is licking my nut-sack...
  6. Command_doh

    Command_doh LE Book Reviewer

    No they are distincty uncomfortable for those of us who are not of the "bottom action" fanclub. For curiousities sake, try it by all means, but don't expect much.
  7. Austen_D

    Austen_D Old-Salt

    Shag some mince meat in a glass. Not that I've tried it but I hear it's worth a go
  8. thegimp

    thegimp LE

    marmite for the pooch, sticks like napalm, and some sort of long hoop diddling vibrator device. make sure its sooper thin and long enough so you don't abuse your grapes

    beware the follow through though and don't take up any dubious offers jarrod throws at you

    or try handstands and wanking in your own face
  9. GeneralMalaise

    GeneralMalaise Old-Salt

    I recently invested in a Fleshlight. Quite superb.

    Can be used 'solo' or by an obliging female.

    Google search for 'Fleshlight'. Fairly expensive but you're worth it!!!!
  10. Command_doh

    Command_doh LE Book Reviewer

    Well if she's got a perfectly good box to fill, why would you want to use a latex jobbie?
  11. Personally, after jumping on some schoolgirl on her way home from classes, I find very little need to masterbate. Weekends and school holidays can be problematic however I live near a retirement village and any of the old biddies wild claims can always be put down to Alzheimers.

    So tip of the day - make sure they're either too young or too old to be taken seriously.

    I shall now slink off an await incoming :)
  12. I s'pose it depends how cavernous her box is...
  13. Trick_Boom

    Trick_Boom Old-Salt

    Cut the top of a can, pack it full of wriggly worms.
    Then stick yer willy in.
  14. Jammy66

    Jammy66 Old-Salt

    If you're right handed try it with your left (or vice versa).

    Liver smells funny - try some soft centred fruit, like a grapefruit.

    I've wondered what sucking a cock feels like, maybe we can help each other?! (did I say that aloud?)
  15. Here's what you need - with thanks to Jarrod for reminding me of the forgotten joys of a tin of Compo sausages.

    You know the drill - open tin, remove centre sausage - enjoy

    And when you've finished you can always cook 'em up and give them to your pals

    Attached Files: