Vuvuzelas - the chavs musical instrument

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Micawber, Jun 24, 2010.

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  1. I was in Waitrose yesterday evening, quietly trying to jam ten too many olives into one of those plastic tub things, thinking about food and generally at one with the world.

    In short, almost a cariacature of a peaceful, placid laid back Englishman, feeling a bit shabby after an early start to the day and an afternoon working in the sun, minding my own business and even a bit subdued.

    Then some England football shirted knob decided to let loose with one of those Vuvuzela trumpet things, and the effect was startling.

    A woosh of adrenaline, the hot flush, slightly shaky hands, a tremble in the legs, tunnelling of vision, heart rate pumping - an instant killing rage.

    The sound is so loud, so aggressive and so PIG ignorant it just presses the big red button like nothing else I have ever experienced.

    I didn't beat him to death with it, he only did it twice, the lad himself was just an over-excited student type and one of the staff turfed him out.

    If it had been an air-horn the incident would just have been, possibly, a bit annoying, but not worthy of comment.

    But I warn you, these Vuvuzela things with the noise they make and the reaction they trigger are something else.

    To illustrate the thing's potential for enraging people, when I got to the check-out I smiled at the 'woman of a certain age and background' that typically work there and said:'I've an idea where he could put that trumpet.'

    'Yes' she replied with a sort of mad vehemence 'straight up his arrse'.

    The Chavs have their orchestra and I predict nothing but trouble.
  2. When played properly they can be quite tunefull......surprisingly.

    Which olives were you going for? Chilli? Garlic?
  3. LancePrivateJones

    LancePrivateJones LE Book Reviewer

    Musical Instrument?

    Instrument maybe (As in Instrument of torture).


    No way.

    Same category as bagpipes, a weapon of war.
  4. I find the sound of the vuvuzela, melodic and beelike, I still get a buzz out of the noise though.

    I liked stuffed olives, especially when they squirt.
  5. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    I too did the olive thing last night, but I have found a sneaky trick which I will share with you as long as you promise to tell no one.

    The olive counter is usually next to the mixed salad counter, well it is at my local supermarket, the salad counter works in much the same way as the olive counter, where you can fill a tub with your choice from the self service buffet.

    Now here comes the clever part, a large olive tub is about a pint in size and costs roughly 3 or 4 sterlings, however a large salad tub is around twice the size and costs just 2 and a half quid. You can see where I am going with this, take one salad tub, nip to the olive counter and fill away to your hearts content. I find putting a token lettuce leaf over the olives, implies good intentions and diverts any suspicion that may arise.

    Most till tarts are far too bored to notice that the salad tub does not actually contain salad, especially since some of the salads have a small amount of olives in anyway.

    Edited to add: what's a vooovvoooovoozla?
  6. Don't you have pockets then?
  7. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    The oil makes nasty stains on my chinos.
  8. You live in a Town that has Chavs and a Waitrose? What is the country coming to?

    This is correct, works for me too.
  9. What is it about Chavs & making a racket? My bus ride to the office this morning was enlivened by two Chavettes sitting as far apart as possible having a shouted conversation about how wasted they got last night & how they were off to score some "weed" for their afternoon's entertainment.

    The iniquities of being forced to go to work were also discussed. There was mich dislike for someone with one of those pretend names like Kayden or Jayden but the Chavettes' sloppy speech meant I couldn't catch it.

    They then got round to commenting loudly about other passengers with my pink shirt coming in for some discussion & my sexuality questioned. When they tired of this they then yawned in an exaggerated & ear-splitting manner.

    When I got off I realised why they had to bellow at each other. Both were plugged into headphones, although that was a small mercy as I was not forced to listen to their dreadful bangin choons played over tinny mobile phone speakers.
  10. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    I hope you taught them a lesson they won't forget. Sometimes tough love is the only way of dealing with these ruffians:

  11. Don't ever mention Chavs and Waitrose in the same sentence again. Waitrose is for humans.

    The World Cup reminds me of my first marriage; I should have enjoyed it but there was this constant droning noise in the background that just became unbearable.

    If you can't afford to buy olives at Waitrose prices then you should scurry back to Asda.
  12. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    I don't do it for financial gain, I do it to teach the supermarket a lesson, much like dishing out a sly kidney punch to someone for dropping their guard.
  13. Please forgive my boorish assumptions. I should have realised that your motives were purely altruistic and of the highest merit.
    May I offer my kidney to you Sir?
  14. You take the omnibus? How very egalitarian.
    Is it the Clapham Omnibus, are you he?
  15. Vulva-zu-elas......... are supposed to be sucked or blown......!! :tongue: :)