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Vulgar female behaviour

Evening all
Most 'ladies' we all know would have you believe that they are delightfully fragrant, with exemplary manners, bubbly effervescent personalities and delectable decorum.

In short, their farts smell of roses.

However, I'm sure we all know a couple of occasions where they've dropped their guard a little, shall we say. For instance:

Many moons ago, I was playing ball out the back of the Mess with my dog. I turned one corner, throwing the ball as I went, and as I came to the corner I heard what can only be described as someone dropping an absolute thunderous ripper of a fart. I mean, this was the kind of dung-hamper eruption where as an external observer you felt, as well as heard, the goods vacating Bum-World. On turning the corner, imagine my surprise to encounter the Mess Princess, who we'll call K*****y (that being her name and all) stretching after a run. K******y was, and I believe still is, a distance runner of some achievement; numerous marathons, endurance events etc etc etc under her rather shapely belt. Our eyes met, and we both knew that the originator of previously mentioned rather vocal and resounding bum-burp wasn't me, or indeed my Golden Labrador, but was stretching in all her glory before my dog and I, wearing pink and orange lycra. I smiled, and as I walked past I had the phrase "Not a f***ing word, right?" being hissed after me; somewhat unbecoming such a well-educated and responsible lady, thinks I. To be fair, K******y did buy me some vino at the next Happy Hour (as if to reinforce buying my silence).

I attended a housewarming party once, where the couple throwing the party were both fairly serious professionals (him - Dentist, her SHO in Paediatrics). As the evening wore on I decided that I needed to use the facilities; downstairs loo in use, I headed upstairs and as I went to grab the handle, the door opened and out comes said SHO. Pleasantries exchanged, I headed into the loo and before I could unzip the monster, my nostrils were wire-brushed by what I can only describe as the domestic equivalent of VX or Sarin. I'd be being really kind if I were to say that this lady had an active and effective constitution. On jokingly mentioning to her later, that it may be sensible to open a window or indeed use the air freshener if she were to repeat said behaviour, I got told that I could "F**k off, and stop being such a c**t".

One night in a hotel in Kuala Lumpur, I got rat arsed with my then girlfriend and we decided that we'd hit the hay. Said girlfriend was well above my league; expensively privately educated, good degree and very well-mannered / brought up. I woke up at around 3am with a drum-tight bladder and decided, wisely I thought at the time, that I'd use the bathroom. However, I sleep on the right-hand side of a bed and on the way to the bathroom I hadn't noticed that the left-hand side of the bed was empty. The reason that the left-hand side of the bed was empty was that its' normal incumbent was already in the loo. Imagine my surprise to find, on opening the door, the then love of my life wiping her bottom. Her instructions to me to 'vacate her company and the bathroom' were issued in such volume and voracity that people probably heard her shrieks in London.

Lastly, at a hangar party in Dover AFB, Delaware, US in the early 00s (2003 I think but I'm not sure) I saw a British WAAF aircrew NCO getting so drunk she grand-slammed herself. To be fair to her,she went home, got changed and the last I saw of her that evening was disappearing in a taxi with some Kiwi pilot.

Any other stories of the fairer sex behaving like a pissed up squaddie?
 
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The_Snail

ADC
RIP
No such thing. You're making it all up.
 
A young lady on my det in Germany, very capable - first female Apprentice RSM in training, later went on to Sandhurst and is now something big in business - could clear the back of a 43 and the attached tent with one fart - and did so several times.

In Cyprus, a newly promoted lady RMP Sgt attending her first Mess dinner - hadn't had time to get mess kit so she was in her ginger fighting suit and skirt. She got well into the swing of things, so much so that she fell asleep on one of the Chesterfields...and promptly swamped. Much to the embarrassment of her WO2 husband and the amusement of the rest of us. The RSM thought it absolutely hilarious and only fined her one bottle of port, leather wipes clean after all.
 

The_Snail

ADC
RIP
I'm surprised that women can keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the needed pressure
They're only talking so that it stops you from boring them to death with your "interesting" conversation.
 
A lot of this new crude behaviour by women is down to a disgusting new trend that is rife in Women's Institutes and on Mumsnet, the Pam Ayres Extreme Scat Challenge. Can I shit on your bollocks please?
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
They're only talking so that it stops you from boring them to death with your "interesting" conversation.


You have a point, my snaily chum.

I've had more intellectual stimulation from a good rip-roaring ladyguff than from some of the posters on here.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
A lot of this new crude behaviour by women is down to a disgusting new trend that is rife in Women's Institutes and on Mumsnet, the Pam Ayres Extreme Scat Challenge. Can I shit on your bollocks please?


I think the rot set in with Valerie Singleton.
 

Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Some disgusting sack of lard queue jumped me earlier in the supermarket with a statement that "she's only buying a drink". I was ordering food which takes about 30 seconds...

Once done I looked over at her tray and couldn't help notice she'd piled on a few cakes & biscuits for her and her compatriot who, I should point out at this stage was clearly on day release from whatever dungeon she'd been locked up in during the week. Missing teeth, face melted on one side - in fact for a minute I thought I was at a BAOR Breakfast Club until I realised she had no tacky badges or embarrassing RE slogans...

When I caught up with Miss Butter Mountain and her tray of artery-thickening delights, I simply asked (albeit sarcastically), "I thought you were only ordering a drink?"

You know that thing they say to reassure fat & ugly cunts - about beauty only being skin deep? Yeah well this one was ugly through & through. She jumped straight in on the defensive. "What's your fucking problem?"

It was funny because this set her "pet" off, who due to the lack of teeth, could only communicate in vowels. The lady serving her looked a bit shocked. As for me, I simply walked away. I wasn't hungry enough for a supermarket brunch anyway, but the random thought of waking up one morning and finding something like that chewing on my helmet wanted to make me heave like an anorexic.

Tonight's wank is going to be a tricky one.
 
Some disgusting sack of lard queue jumped me earlier in the supermarket with a statement that "she's only buying a drink". I was ordering food which takes about 30 seconds...

Once done I looked over at her tray and couldn't help notice she'd piled on a few cakes & biscuits for her and her compatriot who, I should point out at this stage was clearly in day release from whatever dungeon she'd been locked up in during the week. Missing teeth, face melted on one side - in fact for a minute I thought I was at a BAOR Breakfast Club until I realised she had no tacky badges or embarrassing RE slogans...

When I caught up with Miss Butter Mountain and her tray of artery-thickening delights, I simply asked (albeit sarcastically), "I thought you were only ordering a drink?"

You know that thing they say to reassure fat & ugly cnuts - about beauty only be Uh ng skin deep? Yeah we'll this one was ugly through & through. She jumped straight in on the defensive. "What's your ******* problem?"

It was funny because this set her pet off, who due to the lack of teeth, could only communicate in vowels. The lady serving her looked a bit shocked. As for me, I simply walked away. I wasn't hungry enough for a supermarket brunch anyway, but the random thought of waking up one morning and finding something like that chewing on my helmet wanted to make Ed me heave like an anorexic.

Tonight's **** is going to be a tricky one.
Just think about filling her fuckhole full of your steamy runny shit, that always does it for me. Can I shit on your telly please?
 
Here's some Volga females who are really heaving;


Link; Barge Haulers on the Volga
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
Of course there was that time, back in the good old days when single hotel rooms didn't have en suite facilities. I'd been on the sherry and couldn't be bothered to walk down the corridor in the middle of the night, so I decided to take a weewee by sitting in the washbasin in my room. Unfortunately I wrecked it and pulled it off the wall.

But I didn't tell anyone, so I think I got away with it. :D
 
Once shared a house with some lads , taken a young lady back , early hours of the morning she wants a **ss and did not fancy bumping into the other house occupants so hung her Arrse out of the window ...only to cover one of the lads opening the back door, classy.
 

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