Vile affairs- ever sh@t where you ate?

#1
Haven't done so myself, after being told of a digger who had rooted well but not wisely, and awoke to find himself sharing his bedroom with an M26 frag grenade (with the pin still in place)

Any squalid tales of getting the RSM's daughter pregnant, or someone giving his best mate's missus a dose?
 
#3
Quite so vaaaaanmaaan. The pin should have been removed from the grenade. Frankly anyone who is not prepared to frag somebody to save their marriage ought to be looking for a solicitor...
 
#6
Aaaah, I read the title and thought we were going to get some scatological/epicurean tales of woe, bummer.

It does remind me, however, of a short stay I had in Gambia.

In the resort-hotel the wife and I were sojourning in, we were delighted to hear that our chef hosted the most famous "sea-food buffet" in Banjul, in fact the rich and famous for miles around flocked to it every Wedneday.

Not having eaten lobster before, the good lady and I thought, "Great, have some (lots) of that". Being the, in turn, greedy, naive and over excited whitey tourists we were, we ate about 4 or 5 lobsters each, amongst other new and exotic delights.

Cue the middle of the same night, the wife and I, alternately, switching between commode and sink to projectile vomit and anally explosively decompress for about the next 3 days. F*cking dreadful.

But back on thread, auscam, I've never fragged a mate or done an oppo's nearest and dearest, just seems so un-British, somehow.

Toodle-pip, shippers.
 

Schaden

LE
Book Reviewer
#7
In Africa they keep the lobsters or crayfish down long drops - they like it down there, cool, wet, lots to eat.
 
#10
On receiving a draft order to get the feck out of a naval establishment I pulled the pin out of my social handgrenade and in my last week on base lashed it up and penetrated various ladies, matelots wives, rotten wrens and even bagged a seaking observer (smelly fanny)

Having made movement outside the block impossible with various boyfriends and husbands looking for me I received another draft order cancelling the last and extending my stay for another two months

I've staggered out of various well appointed houses in Pompey/Gosport tripping over kids mountainbikes and spotting very fetching family photos of some 2 and a half ringer and his loving wife

Matelot wives love a bit of rufty tufty strange sausage
 
#12
auscam said:
vvaannmmaann said:
As you are Antipodean you may think this behaviour is acceptable.
It is not.
And your behaviour is? What, exactly, makes you think you're so superior, mate?
You are from convict stock.Even my dog is superior to you.

PS I am not now,never have been or ever will be your mate.
 
#13
vvaannmmaann said:
auscam said:
vvaannmmaann said:
As you are Antipodean you may think this behaviour is acceptable.
It is not.
And your behaviour is? What, exactly, makes you think you're so superior, mate?
You are from convict stock.Even my dog is superior to you.

PS I am not now,never have been or ever will be your mate.
Quite. Another random Internet gobshite.
 
#14
thegimp said:
On receiving a draft order to get the feck out of a naval establishment I pulled the pin out of my social handgrenade and in my last week on base lashed it up and penetrated various ladies, matelots wives, rotten wrens and even bagged a seaking observer (smelly fanny)

Having made movement outside the block impossible with various boyfriends and husbands looking for me I received another draft order cancelling the last and extending my stay for another two months

I've staggered out of various well appointed houses in Pompey/Gosport tripping over kids mountainbikes and spotting very fetching family photos of some 2 and a half ringer and his loving wife

Matelot wives love a bit of rufty tufty strange sausage
Was this in the 80's and if so do you have ginger hair and used to cook for a livin?

As a single matelot I loved going to parties on the Rowner Estate, it was like a Wabbit Warren
 
#15
thegimp said:
On receiving a draft order to get the feck out of a naval establishment I pulled the pin out of my social handgrenade and in my last week on base lashed it up and penetrated various ladies, matelots wives, rotten wrens and even bagged a seaking observer (smelly fanny)

Having made movement outside the block impossible with various boyfriends and husbands looking for me I received another draft order cancelling the last and extending my stay for another two months

I've staggered out of various well appointed houses in Pompey/Gosport tripping over kids mountainbikes and spotting very fetching family photos of some 2 and a half ringer and his loving wife

Matelot wives love a bit of rufty tufty strange sausage
Ha ha !!!! :D Memories !! I spent a couple of weeks tomming a f*cking beaut of a Danish bird married to a matelow club swinger, I used to walk off the Rowner estate as his chad Lexus roared into the street ! The beefer had mirrors all over his bedroom....which was nice for me :D
 
#16
Juan_Ramirez_III said:
thegimp said:
On receiving a draft order to get the feck out of a naval establishment I pulled the pin out of my social handgrenade and in my last week on base lashed it up and penetrated various ladies, matelots wives, rotten wrens and even bagged a seaking observer (smelly fanny)

Having made movement outside the block impossible with various boyfriends and husbands looking for me I received another draft order cancelling the last and extending my stay for another two months

I've staggered out of various well appointed houses in Pompey/Gosport tripping over kids mountainbikes and spotting very fetching family photos of some 2 and a half ringer and his loving wife

Matelot wives love a bit of rufty tufty strange sausage
Ha ha !!!! :D Memories !! I spent a couple of weeks tomming a f*cking beaut of a Danish bird married to a matelow club swinger, I used to walk off the Rowner estate as his chad Lexus roared into the street ! The beefer had mirrors all over his bedroom....which was nice for me :D
I shagged the Mrs of a smegulator. I had no idea she was married until we'd done the dirty deed. When she told me what he did I just had to go again and kick down her back doors.
 
#17
auscam said:
vvaannmmaann said:
auscam said:
vvaannmmaann said:
As you are Antipodean you may think this behaviour is acceptable.
It is not.
And your behaviour is? What, exactly, makes you think you're so superior, mate?
You are from convict stock.Even my dog is superior to you.

PS I am not now,never have been or ever will be your mate.
Quite. Another random Internet gobshite.
Are you familiar with the expression "The pot calling the kettle black"?
 
#18
Matelot wives seem to be a special subsection of easy birds to penetrate :)

Although I scoffed an Army nursing officers arrse in the mess at Haslar (bird I hasten to add)

Quite a tidy ,fragrant harris for a dirty pongo bird

Met in Emma s of course
 
#19
PS which c.u.n.t suggested I was a Gwar fat splasher throwback to the eighties.......................Harsh Harsh
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#20
Matelot wives, quite.

I once did a Comms rating's pash (they weren't married but where mega loved up) while he did me a duty watch stand in on the gangway for 6 hours. Felt great, she wasn't bad looking for a Pompey scutter and he was a bit of a chopper anyway.



Anyone noticed all the most interesting people on this site are ex or serving Matelots and Bootnecks?
 

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