Lifted from Tinternet. Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record? A: "Feel the World." Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song? A: "Don't let your son go down on me." Rumor has it that Michael Jackson is in Switzerland undergoing cosmetic surgery on his pecker. Then the description the California Justice Dept got from the little boy won't fit anymore. Another rumor has it that he's finally going all the way and changing gender entirely. Michael Jackson first wanted to look like Diana Ross, then a white person, now he wants to be A ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIEST. Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Little Boy Blew. Knock, knock. Who's there? Little Boy Blue. Little Boy Blue who? Michael Jackson. Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy? A: "The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!" Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road? A: "I'll be there!" If you play thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long. Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song? A: "And then he touched me" I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "******* kids!", and it played Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson's found a way to stymie that L.A. search warrant: He's invited Lorena Bobbitt over. Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit? A: "SILLY Bobbit! Dicks are for KIDS!" Q: What do Michael Jackson and Miss Bobbit have in common? A: They both played with little wieners. Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning? A: He ate a nine year old wiener! Q: Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the school cafeteria? A: Because he ate all the kids' wieners. Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision? A: Foreplay. Q: What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common? A: Both get turned on by kids!!! Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common? A: They both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks. Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common? A: They both know how to rear a child. Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common? A: They both play ball in the Minor League. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan? A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors. Q: Why's Michael trying out for the NBA? A: He's a crack shooter. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong? A: One was the first man to walk on the moon, and the other f***s little boys. Q: What does Michael have in common with NASA? A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing. It was reported the other day that Michael Jackson wants to be one of the first civilians to travel into space. A spokesperson for NASA said, "We're fine with the idea but the only problem is Jackson insists on coming back". Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite holiday? A: Christmas because he gives the well behaved kids a special gift... Q: Where's Michael going on holiday? A: He's off to Tampa with the kids. Q: What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common? A: They both have small boys pants at half off! Q: What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common? A: They both wait 3 months after the child is born to give piercings. Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K Mart? A: He heard they had small boys pants half off. Q: What does Michael Jackson think of when he sees a boy in a McDonald's suit? A: A happy meal. McDonald's is bringing out a new "Michael Jackson Burger"... It has 35 year old meat inside 5 year old buns. The new burger at McDonald's is called the McJackson. It consists of matured beef between two fresh white buns. Q: What do Michael's rear and an LA jail have in common? A: Both hold the juice. Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small? A: Because they aren't his! Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio? A: He heard there's a Youngstown there. Q: What's Micheal Jackson's Chinese name? A: Melikeemyoung. Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room? A: He was choking on a small bone! Q: Did you hear about the new McDonalds McJackson sandwich? A: It's a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns. Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common? A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns! Q: How many times does 12 go into 35? A: Ask Michael Jackson. Q: What's 6 + 46 + 5? A: A threesome with Michael Jackson. Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boyfriends? A: Because there are twenty of them! An engineer, a lawyer and Michael Jackson are all asked the same question, "What is 2+2?". The engineer says, "Well, it is almost 4, but never actually reaches it." The lawyer says. "Hm, case files seem to say it is 4." Then they looked at Michael figuring he would get it wrong, then he said, "That's easy! The age of the boys I like!" Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys! Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael? A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom. Q: What's soft and brown and sometimes found in little boy's diapers? A: Michael Jackson's hand! Q: What's the worst stain to try and remove from little boy's underpants? A: Michael Jackson's makeup. Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket? A: His other hand. Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster? A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white. Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet? A: Emily Dick in son. Home Alone Q: Why did Michael invite Macaulay Culkin to the house? A: He's like the little boy he never had. Q: How did Michael actually proposition the little boy? A: It was just a slip of the tongue. Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? A: Get out of my sun! Q: What did Michael Jackson yell when he fell off the boat? A: Throw me the bouy!! Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning? A: Throw him a buoy! Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? A: There's a Big Wheel parked outside his house! Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party? A: By all the Big Wheels in his driveway. Q: How does Michael like to party? A: He sips a couple of Tall Boys. Q: What's Michael's favorite snack? A: Slim Jims. Q: What's Michael's favorite fast food? A: Big Boys. Q: What's Michael's favorite dish? A: Creamed shrimp. Q. Did you hear Michael Jackson is moving to PA... Guess which town? A. Dubois. Q: Why is Michael so tough? A: He can lick any kid on the block. Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"? A: Two 5 year olds. Q: Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts? A: He was up to two packs a day. Tuck the end of a jacket sleeve into your pants crotch. Hold the jacket off to the side. Then ask, "What's this?" "Dunno." "Michael Jackson helping a kid put his coat on." Q: What do Michael Jackson and Rum have in common? A: They both come in small tots. Q: What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common? A: They both come in tots. Q: What does Michael hand round after dinner? A: The under Eights. Q: What does Michael Jackson give his guests after dinner? A: Instead of after eight mints, he gives them under eight children. Q: What's black and white and comes in little cans? A: Michael Jackson. Q: Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll? A: It comes in a little can. Q: Have you seen the new Michael Jackson candy bar? A: It's white chocolate with no nuts.... (but kids like it) Q: What's sex like for Michael? A: Like candy from a baby. Q: What is the worst thing about making love to Michael Jackson? A: When the crib breaks. Q: How do you find out Michael Jackson's sperm count? A: Look it up in Webster's. Q: Why is Michael Jackson opening a sperm bank? A: He always has a shitload of semen. Q: How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin? A: He's got children out the ass. I'm still a virgin and I'm fore-tee-three, not even Madonna will have sex with me... Hee hee hee!! I'm still a virgin, and I'm fore-tee-fore, not even Madonna will nok on my door... hee hee hee!! Q: What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex? A: "Shit happens!" Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream? A: Because it hurts. Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream when he touches his nuts? A: He's sore from the kids last night, Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night... Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight? Michael: Yeah, ok, can we get Aladin? Janet: No, just a pizza and video. Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy some entertainment, what shall we do?" To which Debbie replied "I know we'll get a video." Michael then said "Great, I'll get Aladdin." Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have been in trouble for that before." Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. -- you know in a few years they'll probably change his name to: "The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby". IT'S A PLAN LONDON (Reuter) -- Pop superstar Michael Jackson proudly showed off his infant son, Prince, in a photo exclusive and interview published by a British magazine Tuesday, declaring, "I want my son to live a normal life." Q: What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words? A: Which one's mommy? On November 19, 2002, Michael Jackson was photographed displaying 9 month old Prince Michael II to a throng of 200 fans by dangling him over the fourth floor balcony of the Adlon Hotel in Berlin. Prince Michael II had a white towel wrapped around his head. Perhaps Prince Michael II was recovering from plastic surgery because Michael thought that he looked too human. Q: Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby over a balcony? A: Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories. Michael Jackson has been spotted dangling children from a balcony again. It makes a change because he usually tosses them off!!! We recently heard Michael Jackson screaming: "Beat it, Beat it!" Michael Jackson should have taken his own advise and just "beat it beat it beat it beat it", and he wouldn't be in the trouble that he is today. Michael decided to have a boy of his own because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 Million a pop. Q: How do we know Michael is guilty? A: Several children have fingered him. Q: How will Michael pay off his old boyfriends? A: Liquefy some assets. Q: Why doesn't Michael have orgasms? A: The big payoff comes a couple of months later. Q: Why does Michael like children so much? A: He knows how they feel. Q: How did Michael get in trouble? A: He was feeling a little Randy. Q: How is Michael dealing with his problems? A: He's holding his own. Q: How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem? A: They're all standing behind him. Q: What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from? A: **** retention. Q: How is Michael now? A: Feeling a little crotchety. Q: Why does Michael Jackson like to lose foot races to little boys? A: He likes to come in a little behind. Have you heard that Michael Jackson was spotted in the River Thames in London recently. At 1st it was thought that it was a suicide attempt but it was realized that he was just clinging onto a small buoy. Michael Jackson was on his multi-million yacht off the Keys. It went down. The Coast Guard went looking; the Marines went looking; in the end it was OK though -- they found him bobbing up and down on a buoy. Q: What was the big break in the Michael Jackson molestation case? A: A doctor did a rectal exam of one of the boys bringing charges and found ... a white glove. Q: What is the most difficult thing to get out of little boys underwear? A: Michael Jackson's makeup! Q: Why is Michael Jackson addicted to pain killers? A: To stop him from going OW! OW! OW!. Michael Jackson canceled a world tour on November 12, 1993, citing a dependence on pain killers. Singer Michael Jackson abandoned his Dangerous world tour in 1994 after he became addicted to prescription painkillers, which he started taking after scalp surgery -- his hair had caught fire while filming a Pepsi commercial. http://www.solpadeinehelp.org.uk/realmag.php The publishers of "Where's Waldo?" have jumped on the Multi-media bandwagon. This week they will be releasing a CD-ROM called "Where's Michael?" which features elusive pop star Michael Jackson. Users of the CD-ROM search through a virtual world of exclusive resorts and drug-rehab centers for Mr. Jackson, who will be obscured by hordes of bodyguards and lawyers. The only users who will be able to find Michael will be little boys, who will then be encouraged by a 3-D Jackson to find his Waldo. Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 boy scouts when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!" Michael asked, "What about the children?" The captain replied, "F*ck the children!" Michael looked around eagerly and asked "Do we have time?" Cliff Richard, Sid Vicious, and Michael Jackson were in a plane when it suddenly crashed on a cliff. Richard shouted out "Save the children!" Sid Vicious said "Screw them!" Michael Jackson asked have "We got that long?" A little eight year old boy is distraught because his parents have just been killed in a horrible car accident. He had no other family, so he is now an orphan, doomed to a life on the streets. He's sitting in the gutter in the pouring rain, sobbing his little heart out, with no money and no hope, cold and freezing and soaking wet. Suddenly, a stretch limousine pulls up and out steps Michael Jackson. "Hey, what's up little fella?" says a kindly Jackson. The little orphan boy tells Jackson his tragic story. A look of pity on Jackson's face, he pats the little boy on the head and then drops his trousers and says, "It's just not your day, is it?" Q: How does Michael Jackson keep his youth? A: Pizza and Nintendo. Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?? A: He thought it was a delivery service. Q: Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date? A: Boys 'R Us. The date for Michael Jackson's trial has been set. His name is Aaron and he's 8 years old. Q: What does Michael call an orgy? A: A fruit salad. Q: What makes Michael Jackson so unique? A: It's the little boy inside him. Q: Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35? A: Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old. Q: What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common? A: Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands. Allstate Agent to me: "Are you in good hands?" My reply: "Yes I am, as long as they are not Michael Jackson's." (Thanks to RangerJim93) Q: Who was the unmanned recon airplane the Predator named for? A: Michael Jackson. (Thanks to RangerJim93) Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A: A Michael Jackson slumber party. Q: What's "black-white" and purple? A: Michael Jackson's dick after a slumber party with a bunch of 6 year olds. Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence? A: When the big hand touches the little hand... Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite game to play at night? A: Hide the pickle in the pajamas. Q: What child's game does Michael NOT allow to be played at his Neverland ranch? A: Got your nose! Put it back! Q: What do Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common? A: They both like a little crack now and then. Q: Why did Michael Jackson Check into the Betty Ford clinic? A: To get over his 11 year crack habit. Q: Why does Michael really need to go to rehab? A: He's a crack addict. Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab? A: You know, I feel like a new boy! Q: Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore? A: He's tired of all the cracks. MICHAEL JACKSON'S BABY I heard that shortly before having Michael Jackson's baby, the woman who was impregnated by him was asked some questions by some reporters: Reporter: Have you been able to determine its sex? Woman: No. I want to wait until after it's born. As long as it's healthy. Reporter: Ma'am, I was referring to Michael. Did you hear that Michael Jackson had a baby boy last week? Yup, it's true ... and the week before that he had a 12 year old boy. Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father! He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old. Rumor has it that Michael Jackson's baby was conceived through artificial insemination. Pee Wee Herman was best man at the wedding. Coincidence? I think not. Q: What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life? A: Figuring out which parent is his mother. Q: What happens when Michael talks about sex? A: It's all very tongue in cheek. Q: What's sex like for Michael? A: Child's Play. Q: What's the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson? A: Well, one's an artificial piece of trash that can harm little children, and the other is used to hold groceries. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a refrigerator? A: A fridge doesn't toot after you take your meat out of it! Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a microwave? A: A microwave won't brown your meat! Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper? A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a ghost? A: One is completely white and has a scary face. The other is a supernatural being. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a chicken? A: One says "cock'll-doodl-do" and the other says "Any-little-boy's-cock'll-do". Q: What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung? A: Michael's been able to have kids. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Nixon? A: One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole. Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years? A: Michael Jackson. Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping? A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians! Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book? A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing". Q: What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show? A: The Kids in the Hall. Q: What will they call Michael's new TV series? A: Anus and Andy. Q: Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately? A: He has a lot to plug. Q: Why was Michael Jackson late for the circus? A: He couldn't get the stains out of his clown suit. Recently Michael opened an amusement park... You have to be at least 4 feet tall to ride Michael! Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together? A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds! Q: What do second place race horses and Michael Jackson have in common? A: They both come in a little behind. Q: What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common? A: Both ride 4 year olds. Q: What's the difference btw Michael Jackson and Mick Dittman? A: Mick Dittman DOES have a license to ride 4 year olds. Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a racing jockey? A: A jockey can mount three year olds legally. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing? A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out. Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the PLO? A: The PLO pulled out of Jordan. Q: What do Micheal Jackson and Saddam Hussein have in common? A: They both pulled out of Jordan. Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson? A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi! Q: Have you heard about the foundation that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor have started? A: It's called the Ignited Negro College Fund. It's been reported that Michael Jackson will appear at a fund raiser to help raise money for Democrats. In a related story Tito Jackson is going to appear at a fund raiser to help raise money for Tito Jackson. In an effort to dissuade all this bad publicity, Michael Jackson has pledged a significant amount of his fortune to found a new university. It's going to be called, "Bring 'em Young." Q: Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances? A: He wants to spend more time with the kids. Q: Who's happy when Michael Jackson gets a boy to stay over? A: Bubbles. Q: Why did Michael Jackson cross the road? A: He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in. Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs? A: I'm forever blowing bubbles! Q: Why is Michael Jackson's album new entitled "Bad"? A: Because he couldn't spell "Pathetic". Q: Why was Michael Jackson grounded? A: He was "Bad". The lyrics to "Bad" say it all: Your Butt Is Mine Gonna Take You Right Q: What did Michael Jackson do when his hair caught on fire? A: He "Beat-it!" Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album? A: He has a lot of stuff in the can. Q: Who will Michael record his next album with? A: Les Brown. MICHAEL JACKSON'S GREATEST HITS (Thanks to RangerJim93) Volume 1 Side One 1. Reach out and TOUCH Someone 2. Hey, there, Predator 3. Touch Me Once, Touch Me Twice, Touch Me Once Again 4. The Best Toys are Little Boys 5. The WACKO Touch Side Two 1. Theme from Peter Pervert 2. He TOUCHED Me 3. He Let His Fingers Do the Walking (In Private Places) 4. Come Open My FLY With Me 5. Theme from Woody The Pecker Volume 2 Side One 1. Feeler 2. Put Your Hand in The Pants of Michael Jackson 3. Peter Pervert 4. The Boy Who Made Me Throw Up 5. Beat it and Eat It Side Two 1. Full Moon at High Noon 2. I'm Dropping My Drawers Over You 3. I'm A Pervert 4. I'm Queer, I'm Not All Here 5. Groping the World THE BEAST (BEST) OF MICHAEL JACKSON Side One 1. It Was Masturbation 2. Feelings 3. Dance of the Pedophiles 4. Molesters' March 5. That Queer Old Feeling Side Two 1. Meat Beater's Lament 2. Jack Off Jive 3. Those Roving Fingers 4. NUTcracker Suite 5. Peter Pervert's Theme Michael Jackson and Pee Wee Herman are have come out with a new video called... "I'll beat it for you." Q: Which chips does Michael Jackson like to munch on? A: O'Boysies. Q: Where does Michael Jackson write his songs for the kids? A: In his tanning salon. Q: What did the mother at the beach say to Michael Jackson? A: "Excuse me, but you're in my son." Q: How do you neuter Michael Jackson? A: Give him spiked gloves and tell him to sing a song. Yup! When he had his tonsils removed, they accidentally put him on the table the wrong way round... Q: What do any of the Mets have in common with Michael Jackson? A: They all wear one glove for no apparent reason. Q: Where is Michael Jackson's other glove? A: In Brooke Shields' pants. Michael Jackson went to church and confessed "Forgive me father, for I have sinned with young boys". The priest replied "It's OK, I have done it also." The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest. Q: What would you call Michael Jackson if he slept with another 20 or 30 young boys? A: Monsigneur. Q: How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search? A: Hire a Catholic priest to do it. Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a Catholic priest? A: Nothing Q: What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common? A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids. Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a proctologist? A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in. CULINARY EMPLOYMENT NEWS Jeff Smith, public television's "Frugal Gourmet", in the face of numerous accusations of trying to seduce teenage boys, has announced his departure from the long running series. In related news, Michael Jackson has announced the arrival of a new executive chef at his secluded Neverland Ranch... Neverland: the only place that Jackson rides the animals and the animals ride him!!!!!! Q: Why did Pepsi sign up Michael Jackson for their ads? A: Because he likes the taste of a new generation. Did you hear that Pepsi signed Michael Jackson to another contract? They felt that he was the only one who could suck that little boy out of the bottle. Q: Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson? A: Because he was caught sucking on a Squirt!! Q: Why did Michael Jackson fail to renew his contract with Pepsi? A: Because he found out that the main ingredient was Bubbles! Q: Why did Michael Jackson put cheese on his willy? A: Because kids will do anything for the taste of Dairy Lea! Q: What do Michael Jackson and broccoli have in common? A: Both are force fed to little boys. I want to see some jokes about Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie!!!!!!!! They *are* the joke! Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson marrying Lisa-Marie Presley? A: If Elvis were dead, he'd turn over in his grave. This is the worst news for the King since the invention of the child-proof cap. If Elvis were alive, would he be driving a white Ford Bronco with blood stains on the driver door? Q: What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television? A: "Boy, that's a relief. I thought she married a black guy!" Q: What did Lisa Marie Presley say to Micheal Jackson when he popped her the question? A: "Yes, I'll marry you. But promise me one thing... NO KIDS!" Q: What was Michael Jackson thinking about on his wedding night? A: Hmmm, now Lisa-Marie can give me a little boy of my own. Comments overheard at the Michael Jackson/Lisa-Marie Presley wedding: "Well, I'm pretty sure one of them is a virgin." "I don't think that's the real groom; it's just a decoy." "First couple that I've ever known that was registered at FAO Schwarz." Top Ten Things Overheard at the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Wedding from David Letterman, July 19, 1994: 10. Family to the left, plastic surgeons to the right. 9. She could've used a little more of his eye-liner. 8. I bet they didn't have to get married. 7. I'll have to ask you to check your snake at the door, La Toya. 6. I'm sorry, I can't find a Brooke Shields on the guest list, ma'am. 5. There's that strange whirring sound again -- as if some deceased rock star were spinning in his grave. 4. I got you some his and hers towels. Split 'em up however you like. 3. I'm Mr. Tito Jackson. You mean Dr. Tito Jackson? Yes I am. 2. Ahhh! The ghost of Elvis is eating all the cake -- oh, it's just Liz Taylor. 1. I just heard on the weather channel -- hell froze over. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley? A: About two dress sizes!!! Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen? A: Got two fives for a ten? Apparently we're going to be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet in the Jackson household . . . yep, Lisa Marie's going to be leaving town for a while. If Lisa Marie Presley-Jackson really is expecting, do you suppose that she and Michael will ask Woody Allen to be the godfather? Did you hear that Lisa Marie Presley-Jackson is pregnant? Whether it is a boy or a girl, you know it will have one of Michael's noses. Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Is Preparing for Fatherhood from David Letterman, November 14, 1996 10. Taking Lamaze classes with Bubbles the chimp 9. Deciding whether or not its okay to name a girl "Tito". 8. Reading Dr. Spock's "How to Raise a Weird-Ass Child". 7. Asking LaToya to help him find a good psychic babysitter. 6. Memorizing the mother's name in case they actually meet. 5. Buying hundreds of toys and stuffed animals, and also a few things for the baby. 4. Installing nursery monitor that will sound alarm if baby starts to act normal. 3. Having mother take sonogram test to determine the baby's sex. 2. Having the same test done on himself. 1. Child-proofing each and every llama in the house. Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology": "Spare the rod, and spoil the child." If Michael and Lisa-Marie's marriage was a TV show, what would it be called? * Home Unimprovement * The (G)love Connection * Beauty and the Beast * Gimme A Break * Joker's Wild * Maniac Mansion (from the Family Channel) * That's Incredible * Really Big, Gigantic, Humungous House on the Prairie Top 10 Good Things About Being Married to Michael Jackson from David Letterman, August 02, 1994 10. When you get a few years older, good advice on plastic surgeons. 9. White sequined glove prevents greasy finger prints on fridge. 8. Fun to say, "Honey, could you moonwalk down to the shop n' save for a quart of milk?" 7. After a day with the Jacksons, suddenly your Presley relatives seem normal. 6. None of those annoying demands for sex. 5. His squeeky ultrasonic voice keeps away mice. 4. As the King of Pop, he gets the 10% dinner discount at participating Red Lobster restaurants. 3. If he comes home with lipstick on his collar, you can be pretty sure it's his own. 2. Never have to throw out leftovers with Liz dropping by. 1. Three words: CHRISTMAS WITH TITO. Q: What did Michael Jackson suffer from as a kid? A: Clitoris envy. Q: Why did Michael go to college? A: To get his Bachelor of Arse degree. Q: What is Michael Jackson's Alma Matter? A: Bring-em Young. It's not who you know -- it's who you know had a nose job. Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? A: From a catalogue. Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson? A: Michael Jackson has had more noses. Q: What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic? A: Blowing his first nose. We all have heard the tale about how Pinnochio's nose kept getting longer with each fib he told. When Michael Jackson tells fibs, his nose gets shorter but his pecker gets longer. (Thanks to RangerJim93) Q: What is Michael Jackson's downfall when it comes to making friends? A: He is two faced. Q: Why does Michael Jackson get so many face changes? A: He's trying to reach his inner child. Quote by Loretta Lynn in Esquire, January 2002: "I liked Michael Jackson better dark. And I liked his nose a lot better too. If he has any more taken off, I don't know how he's gonna breathe." Heard on Jay Leno, October 2002: Michael Jackson just had his sixth nose job. Shouldn't it be his sixth used-to-be-a-nose job? Quote from Joan Rivers, early December, 2002: I love Michael. He's my best friend. I buy him a handkerchief for Christmas each year. I don't know what to buy him this year. He has no nose. No nose. What do you buy a man with no nose? Heard on Jay Leno, December 11, 2002: At the breach of contract trial, Michael Jackson showed up on crutches with only one shoe on. He is recovering from plastic surgery. He's had his toe transplanted to his nose. Michael should be more careful with his foot -- it's his only original part. Michael Jackson's Nose "Falls Off" In-Flight (joke), December 11, 2002: A small piece of Michael Jackson has fallen off during a routine flight on Concorde this evening. Nobody else is reported to have been hurt or injured. This is the latest in a series of similar incidents involving the megastar although a spokesperson denied there was any cause for concern. "Michael has an excellent safety record, but nevertheless we are currently getting him checked out by our metallurgical expert, Uri Geller. As a precaution, Janet and La Toya Jackson will be kept in a hangar until we've figured out what went wrong. I must stress that the public was never in any danger and we hope to return to a normal service as soon as possible." Mr Jackson was designed and built over forty years ago as part of a joint venture between Motown Records and Boeing. Originally conceived as a black programme, he was developed at the top-secret Neverland test facility in California. The Soviet Union, worried that it might lose the all-important "Moon Walk Race", quickly embarked on a rival project code-named Mikhail Jacksovski. However, Jackson's performance was superior in every aspect and Jacksovski was eventually decommissioned after dislocating both legs during a particularly energetic Cossack line-dance. http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.48.2594.html SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, December 12, 2002: "Achilles' Heel" is to "only vulnerable part of a Greek" as "Michael Jackson's Ear" is to "only original part of a freak". SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, December 30, 2002: "Boston Archdiocese" is to "$10 million sex abuse settlement" as "Michael Jackson" is to "didn't realize that Boston had quantity discounts". SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, February 4, 2003: "Michael Jackson in 1983" is to "spent hours recording Billie Jean" as "Michael Jackson in 2003" is to "spent hours in Billy's jeans". Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 5, 2003: Michael Jackson (in a 90-minute interview with British journalist Martin Bashir that was first screened Monday, February 3, 2003, on British TV and then repeated Thursday, February 6, 2003, in the US on ABC's 20/20) denied having any alterations to his face other than two operations on his nose, and they were only to help him "hit higher notes". In other news, he said that he has had his testicles removed for fun. From Entertainment Tonight http://www.etonline.com/celebrity/a14336.htm, February 5, 2003: Multiple nose jobs, skin grafts and facial liposuction are some of the surgeries that some respected plastic surgeons speculate Michael may have undergone over the past 20 years. And the King of Pop's nose is one issue the doctors are all concerned about. Dr. Thomas Loeb theorizes, "He lost the skin on top of the nose and he's ulcerated through. They had to do some kind of reconstructive procedure to just cover the cartilage underneath. So this is really a plastic surgery disaster." Dr. Robert Kotler points out, "There's a limit to how much surgery you can perform and he may have passed that limit." More from Dr. Robert Kotler http://www.robertkotlermd.com/ author of Secrets of a Beverly Hills Cosmetic Surgeon http://www.surgerysecrets.com After so many procedures, each surgery becomes more difficult because of scar tissue. Jackson's nose appears to have rejected a plastic implant. More surgery is unwise. A better solution now is a lifelike artificial nose. Heard on David Letterman, February 6, 2003: In a recent interview, Michael Jackson said that his nickname for his baby is "Blanket". In a later interview, the baby said that its nickname for Michael is "Nutjob". Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 5, 2003: Michael Jackson was so distraught after seeing his recent interview on TV that he dangled himself from a balcony. Heard on David Letterman, February 7, 2003: In the interview, Michael Jackson claimed that he had only two nose jobs. Come on! That's like Bill Clinton saying that he had only two ... Top Ten Surprises In The Michael Jackson Documentary from David Letterman, February 7, 2003: 10. Due to disappointing CD sales, most of his income is now from Amway. 9. "Neverland Ranch" is just a one-bedroom condo in Queens. 8. "Gong Show" fans may remember him as "Gene Gene The Dancing Machine". 7. The Elephant Man recently bought some of Michael's bones. 6. Upon seeing old "Beat It" video, asked, "Wow, who's that?" 5. Touching moment when he was reunited with his four brothers. 4. Touching moment when he was reunited with his four noses. 3. Put his fist through a wall when the Raiders lost. 2. He had Bubbles stuffed and uses him as an ottoman. 1. Turns out he's a loon. Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 11, 2003: Michael Jackson was upset when he heard that VH1 would replay his recent interview. He wanted it to play on Nickelodeon. Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 12, 2003: On hearing that Roman Polanski would be banned from coming into the country for an Oscar presentation (he received an Academy Award nomination for directing "The Pianist") because he had relations with a 13 year-old girl, Michael Jackson replied "with a girl -- that is so disgusting!" Names in the News from Knight Ridder Newspapers, February 13, 2003: JACKSON I Among the many revelations in the documentary "Living With Michael Jackson," which aired February 6 on ABC, was Jackson's claim that the only plastic surgery he's had is two nose jobs - to help improve his singing voice. But Los Angeles plastic surgeon Wallace Goodstein maintains the musician, 44, has undergone "well over" 50 operations on his face. http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html Goodstein's claims come in a profile of the embattled King of Pop to be broadcast Monday on NBC's "Dateline." According to the New York Post, Goodstein shared a practice with Jackson's primary plastic surgeon. "Dateline's" one-hour show, called "Michael Jackson Unmasked," also features an interview with now-retired Los Angeles Police Detective Bill Dworin, who investigated the singer in 1993 when the parents of a 13-year-old boy alleged he molested their son. Jackson was never charged in the case, but paid a multimillion-dollar out-of-court settlement. The Post reports that Dworin is going to spill the beans on what police found during their investigation and that he believes Jackson may still pose a threat to children. On the show that aired on ABC, the One-Gloved One acknowledged that he still shares his bed with children, albeit in a nonsexual way. JACKSON II The New York Post also reports that celeb manager Jack Gordon is going to pen a tell-all book about Jackson. Gordon, who is LaToya Jackson's ex-husband, has snagged literary agent Jim Fitzgerald of the Carol Mann agency to peddle "Never Neverland: My Years Inside the Jackson Family." JACKSON III Here's a book that's not likely to hit the best-seller list: Michael Jackson is working on a guide for adults who want to retain their childlike qualities, reports Jeannette Walls, who writes "The Scoop" column for MSNBC.com http://MSNBC.com. The singer, who has said he identifies with Peter Pan, was working on the how-to-stay-in-touch-with-your-inner-child tome with his spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach http://www.beliefnet.com/author/author_102.html, who has written several books, including "Kosher Sex." The book's future seems to be in question, given recent developments. Quote by Jeff Zucker, NBC's President of Entertainment, February 14, 2003: Michael Jackson is the ultimate traffic accident. People can't take their eyes off him. Jacko takes another beating from media, March 5, 2003 http://www.etonline.com/celebrity/a14819.htm and http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,80136,00.html and http://www.drudgereport.com/mjv.htm Had enough of Michael Jackson? Of course you haven't. So here's what Vanity Fair has to say in its March issue about the ever-stranger King of Pop. He has a fake nose, covering two mummylike holes in his face. Ewww! He paid an African voodoo chief $150,000 to make sure Hollywood moguls Steven Spielberg and David Geffen, plus 23 other EOMs (Enemies of Michael) would die. Although 42 cows were sacrificed by the voodoo chief so these things would come to pass, they didn't. Oh, the article by Maureen Orth also says that Jackson is broke. Taylor has bone to pick with Jacko; Jacko snubs Taylor's 71st birthday bash, March 20, 2003 http://www.indystar.com/print/articles/9/030421-8979-062.html Uh-oh, more trouble in Neverland. Michael Jackson may have lost his most staunch defender -- violet-eyed virago Liz Taylor. The curious couple are reportedly at odds, a rift that became more public after the self-proclaimed King of Pop was a no-show at La Liz's 71st birthday soiree. "The talk all night was that they've had a terrible falling-out," said a partygoer. "It seems that Michael had summoned Liz to Neverland, but when she arrived he wasn't there. She was furious." April Fool's Day Poll, April 1, 2003: Who's the "most foolish American"? Pop singer Michael Jackson, according to an annual poll taken by public-relations consultant Jeff Barge in anticipation of April Fool's Day. Eighty percent of those polled said the 44-year-old singer and one-time baby dangler was the biggest fool in the country. Boxer Mike Tyson, 36, came in second. Quote by Cher, April 2, 2003: "I don't really care what he does to his face. He could just erase it as far as I'm concerned. I don't like him anymore." -- Singer-actress Cher, 56, on Michael Jackson in TV Guide. She doesn't like the way he treats his kids. Jokes by Jimmie Walker on David Letterman, April 4, 2003: Did you hear that the University of Michigan is giving people 20 points for being black? They gave Michael Jackson -40. Michael Jackson wants to play Peter Pan. He should be Tinkerbell. Know what I mean??? Heard on Conan O'Brien, April 9, 2003: Michael Jackson is offering to sell his Neverland ranch for $8 million more than what it is worth. The extra $8 million is to cover the steam cleaning. SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, April 11, 2003: "Journalist in Iraq" is to "embedded in US troops" as "Michael Jackson" is to "embedded in Boy Scout troops". Heard on David Letterman, May 22, 2003: Michael Jackson wants a Taco Bell built near his Neverland Ranch, but it was turned down by the zoning commission. I don't understand -- they zoned Michael... Heard on Conan O'Brien, July 25, 2003: Michael Jackson is throwing himself a birthday party. Fans pay $100 to attend. Actually, getting in is free. It costs $100 to get out. View an invitation from the Michael Jackson Fan Club http://www.mjfanclub.net/la_party_2003/fc_invitation.html Plan ahead for Michael's 50th birthday http://www.angelfire.com/id/croon/oldnewjackson.html Heard on David Letterman, July 28, 2003: Have you seen the pictures of Odai and Qusai? I haven't seen a face so horribly disfigured since ... Michael Jackson. Heard on David Letterman, August 27, 2003: Michael Jackson came off a plane. He was wearing pajamas, carrying an umbrella and holding a battery-operated fan. If he keeps this up, he could get a reputation for being weird. SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, September 25, 2003: "Marsupials" is to "youngsters squirming in pouch" as "Michael Jackson" is to "youngsters squirming on couch". Heard on Jay Leno, October 31, 2003: You know why Michael Jackson loves Halloween? Free delivery right to his door. Heard on David Letterman, November 5, 2003: CBS has announced that Michael Jackson will soon have his own special. This means for one night I won't be the strangest guy on CBS. Heard on David Letterman, November 6, 2003: CBS is showing a Michael Jackson special. In a touching moment, Michael Jackson is reunited with his noses. CBS thought that a surgically altered freak was less scary than the Reagans. CBS was going to air a Reagan special, but was pressured to cancel it. They showed a Michael Jackson special instead. http://edition.cnn.com/2003/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/03/reagans.series.reut/ and http://www.drudgereportarchives.com/data/2003/10/24/20031024_134805_rr4.htm Heard on Conan O'Brien, November 10, 2003: Michael Jackson was in Japan to open a line of men's clothing. If the men's line is successful, he'll go into boy's pants. See http://www.fibre2fashion.com/news/NewsDetails.asp?News_id=3905 and http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,12250,00.html and http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/entertainment/6437646.htm Arrest warrant issued for Michael Jackson, November 19, 2003: A warrant was issued for Michael Jackson's arrest following a search of his Neverland Ranch after allegations of sexual molestation by as 12 year old boy. Bail is set at $3 million. http://www.nme.com/news/106801.htm http://www.rwdmag.com/music_articles/news/04783-1421307961/michael_jackson/ http://www.globeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20031119.wjack1119_4/BNStory/Entertainment/ http://www.ktnv.com/news/nov03/186204.asp http://www.local6.com/entertainment/2648110/detail.html?treets=orlpn&tml=orlpn_natlbreak&ts=T&tmi=orlpn_natlbreak_2729_11420111192003 http://www.kron4.com/Global/story.asp?S=1532256 Photoshop visualization of Michael Jackson doing an O. J. Simpson imitation after the arrest warrant was issued. (O. J. jokes at oj.html.) Michael Jackson Mug Shot SANTA BARBARA COUNTY SHERIFF 11/20/2003 Photo Image of: NAME: JACKSON, MICHAEL RAC: B SEX: M DOB: 8/29/1958 AGE: 45 HGT: 511 WGT: 120 BLD: CMP: HAI: BLK EYE: BRO MKS: BOOKING #: 621785 Heard on Conan O'Brien, November 20, 2003: Today Michael Jackson's house was surrounded by police, and he was arrested. He was taken to jail and gave his fingerprints. His fingers were black for the first time in 15 years. Heard on Craig Kilborn, November 2003: Michael Jackson turned himself into authorities today and now the court may take away his kids. Don't worry, Michael's working on a deal where he can dangle them on the weekends. The saddest part of this Michael Jackson scandal is that all of this could have been avoided if he just stuck to grabbing his own crotch. Earlier today, police raided the Neverland ranch. Michael Jackson was so upset he dangled himself over a balcony. Several celebrities have stepped forward to defend Michael Jackson... Woody Harrelson, Roman Polanski, Pete Townsend. I can sum up Michael Jackson's legal defense in three words: dead man moonwalking. Heard on Jay Leno, November 2003: Yesterday an arrest warrant was issued for Michael Jackson and today by mistake cops picked up Diana Ross. I guess they got Michael on that new law -- 3 tykes and you're out. Did you hear who Michael Jackson's lawyer is? He hired Scott Peterson's attorney Mark Geragos. Geragos' slogan is 'no client too sleazy.' See Michael's smart cause he knows that next to Scott Peterson he looks innocent. According to a Gallup poll, 17% of those asked still have a favorable opinion of Michael Jackson. That may not sound like much, but it's still more than any of the Democratic candidates running for president. Michael Jackson now using the internet to communicate with his fans. Which makes sense, that's how he met most of 'em. After turning himself in yesterday, Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs. I don't think he helped his case when he asked "These are neat, do they come in smaller sizes?" Now he is out on bail -- again he still doesn't get it. When a reporter asked him what he is going to do now, he said, "I'm going to Disneyland!" Early today Michael met with his priest -- not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date. Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail -- because those are the only real body parts he has left.