Vegetarians

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by CQMS, Jun 9, 2008.

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  1. I mean what's the point? If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals he wouldn't have made them out of food, meaty tasty food.

    Can you spot the bloke who encountered the smelly sandal wearing beardy git today?
     
  2. Vegetarians are fucking idiots.
    Without any form of farming, culling or predation, herd animals would deplete every shred of greenery on this planet within ten years.
    Then we'd all starve together.
    Veggies take note: You are only able to pursue your lifestyle choice because those of us with a fully functioning brain are prepared to kill and eat animals on your behalf.


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    Ever get the feeling that vegetarians consider themselves morally superior to you? Like they think that not eating meat makes them so special that their shit doesn't stink? As if when someone stops eating meat, they suddenly become holy and dignified and it excuses them for the years of inconvenience and frustration they inevitably inflict upon their friends, family and co-workers who just want to go to a restaurant and order a damn steak without constantly being reminded that they're going to hell for eating an animal that spends most of its life shitting in a field. There are those of us who don't have a hyperactive sense of guilt and we don't give a shit about your mixed up self-righteous moral vegetarian agenda.

    "I can't eat meat." The four worst words to hear when you're going to a restuarant with someone. I literally cringe every time I hear those words because I know it means that we have to drive around the city for 2 hours looking for some restuarant that serves "friendly" burgers, which ironically look and taste exactly like hamburgers--which vegetarians object to eating because it's either A) gross or B) murder. If it's so gross, then why go out of your way to eat something exactly like it, asshole? It's funny how vegetarians suddenly stop bitching about murder as soon as you point out their fancy leather belt or shoes, or that they drive a car and use electricity which contributes to polluting the earth and contaminating everything including the precious animals that they refuse to eat.

    Well I'm tired of it. So what I've decided to do is sponsor a vegetarian! It's easy and spiteful, and we all know how much fun spiting people is! I'll explain..

    What does it mean to sponsor a vegetarian? It means that you have to find someone in your life who's a really big pain in everyone's ass every time you want to go out to eat, and then you commit yourself to eating THREE times the amount of meat you'd normally consume to make up for all the meat that your vegetarian buddy isn't eating. It's that simple! That way, you can reverse the guilt trip that they've been laying on us for years by not only neutralizing their cause, but making it actually worse by eating more animals than would have ever been eaten had they not chosen to become vegetarians!

    What if vegetarians say they don't care because we'll become fat by sponsoring them? I've thought about that already. All you have to do is exercise. I know it goes against the being lazy rule that I advocate so much, but this is so spiteful that it more than makes up for the exercise you'll have to do--which means that if you choose the 3 to 1 plan and sponsor a vegetarian, you're being so spiteful that you can't lose! If you have a choice, eat three separate types of animal to maximize your efficiency! Only offered beef? No problem: visit the zoo and eat a monkey!

    The best part of it is that this plan is bullet proof. Finally those of us who don't have our heads firmly planted up our asses (with respect to vegetarianism, don't get me wrong, most people still need a crowbar up side the head) have a tool to combat these moral elitists!

    *Note: many people have asked me permission to make shirts using the image at the top of this page. As a convenience to you, I've made some of my own to help you out with this campaign, check them out here: http://store.theworstpageintheuniverse.com/
     
  3. I hired an assistant one time, 1st day at work she said she was a vegetarian.

    I asked her to get me a veal sandwich and baby seal soup. ..

    Never saw her again. :oops:
     
  4. I just sprayed my morning coffee all over my fricking DII terminal because of that rant. Funniest thing I have read in ages!
     
  5. For some inexplicable reason, the first time I read this I thought it said "Assassin"?? :? :? A vegetarian assassin, only kills plastic mannequins or furniture?

    This is going to be a long day. :roll: :roll:

    Oh and by the way, if we were not meant to eat meat, why do we have canine teeth? :twisted: For ripping up those pesky carrots? I think not!

    "Vegetarian" is an old cherokee word for "Useless Hunter" :D
     
  6. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer

    Strange, that. Given that they only eat cabbage and the like, their s***s usually smell significantly worse. I'd imagine...
     
  7. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    I often wonder why non-vegetarians like to make such a song and dance about eating meat. Why they stress that they are delighted to mop up the blood, consume small animals and crunch bones. Are they compensating for having a small penis? Is it meant to be an overt display of manliness? Does it indicate an overabundance of testosterone?

    I am a vegetarian, have been for about 30 years. And I don't drink. I expect this shows that I am a poof, with ambitions to be a Liberal politician. Oh, and I have a beard too. I surely should be taken out and shot. Ethically, of course, using biodegradable ammunition and an eco friendly rifle.

    Some people, in fact the majority of vegetarians, are such for health reasons. It should be obvious , and in fact is very much so even to my 4 year old grandson, that dead flesh rots, accumulates maggots, decomposes and carries many diseases. However, I do not ever preach my beliefs to carnivores, being content to go my own way. I do not prosetilyze about the downfalls of consuming corrupted corpses, or the benefits of not doing so, but mind my own business. I eat well, eat healthily, as do my entire family who are all vegetarian. I don't ask people to put themselves out when I am invited to dinner. I just ask that dead flesh is not put on my plate. I care not what others eat, only what I consume.
    I don't wear leather, at all. I try not to use anything from dead creatures. However this is not due to some strange moral crusade, but rather according to my own and very private religious beliefs
    I don't drink, not because I am a prig or a crusader against drunkeness, although I do think that alcohol removes dignity from people, but I abstain because I am an alcoholic and hope to live a little longer, no matter that, according to others on this subject, life is not worth living unless one spends a substantial amount of it covered in vomit, being robbed or looking like a 3 year old.

    Frankly though I don't care what others do. What they eat, drink or how they have sex, because so far that is very much our own individual choice, and the government has not yet found a way to regulate or control it. But they will.
     
  8. I have no problems with vegetarians, they leave more meat for the rest of us.






    Err, can I rephrase that?...
     
  9. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    miss spike's a veggie,well sort of cause she eats fish & prawns ect but I have a sneaky suspicion she also has the odd Bacon Sarnie.
    She started eating fish because the Doc told her she was getting ill just on veg alone.
    Still dont stop me having a juicy med rare rump steak with mushroom sauce & fried onions tho.
     
  10. Trans-sane

    Trans-sane LE Book Reviewer

    PMU. I read the same assasin...

    There is a friend of my cousin that has a genetic diease that means she can't metabolise protein. ANY protein. Trying to do so leads to (amoungst other things) degenerative brain disease. She has to get all the amino acids she needs from a phamcutically blended milk shake type thing.

    Poor kid is effectively vegan, can't go out to most resteraunts and is restricted in what non-meat she can eat... Funnily enough she don't get holier than thou about it.

    Personally I eat meat most days, but that is because I like it. Some days I eat vegitarian, again because I like what I am eating. Given that you feel so strongly about this, why do you even have vegitarian friends that you go to resteraunts with?
     
  11. Meat is just lovely. Especially red meat. When I die I confidently expect them to find tons of partially digested steak in my colon - though hopefully not inserted there by an undertaker with a wildly eccentric sense of humour...
     
  12. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    Nah Cuddles,
    That pleasure's going to MDN.
     
  13. Sorry but the quote thing on my page seems to be fcuked.

    Old Fat and Hairy said:

    "I don't drink, not because i'm a prig or a crusader against drunkenness, although I do think alcohol removes dignity from people, but I abstain because i'm an alcoholic"

    What fcuking next, babysitting advice from Myra Hindley??
     
  14. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Not unless you have a ouija board. But Mrs McCann does offer an excellent service.

    But I have been dry for nearly 40 years, and am an impartial observer.
     
  15. Thats a hell of a song and dance yourself there OF&H!

    I fail to see the relevance of the rotting meat thing though, I found some old spuds at the back of the cupboard that almost made me puke recently.