Valentines days, bollocks more like?

#1
It is that time of year again when Hallmark and the other greetings card corporate pricks tell us we have to buy one of their shitty cards, a bunch of over priced roses or some jewellery for our loved ones. If we don't then we don't "love" them. We are made to feel bad that we might be single on this "special day" when we get to tell the person we love them.
The amount of valentines day tat in the shops is unbelievable, teddies and dolls made by child labour in the east with sickening messages of love. "I Heart You" or "Be my snuggle bum" or "Help! Gary Glitter as come to the factory looking for a wife, please send help! lots of love Ting Tong. "

Why don't they do some thing useful like a valentines day hammer or lock knife?

It's all bollocks really. The only good bit is the mass of women who try and drown their sorrows and will sleep with anyone on that night just to fill the emptiness of being single on that special day. Load of bollocks.
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#3
Ode to The Wife

Roses and red
Violets are blue
Your sister fucks
Much better than you!
 

rampant

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#6
Don't forget that March the 14th is officially "Steak & Blowjob Night": Steak and BJ Day

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ's.
Remember to remind your other half!!
 
#8
After 3 years of marriage during which faithfully I honoured St Valentine's (ie card, flowers, etc), my wife pointed out, "I don't know why you bother - after all, I know who sent them." So I said, "Fuck it", and never bothered since. Having said that, we have just celebrated our 39th wedding anniversary. The success of our marriage is demonstrated in that we still sometimes speak to each other. And I've saved a fortune by not buying any of the crap which is deemed necessary these days to observe the tradition.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#9
You know I've always loved you honey
Despite what they say, it wasnt the money
Your shining soul cried out to me
Now go and make my fucking tea

God. I'm good.
 
#10
A young lad at work seems to be following in all your footsteps. He told me yesterday his girlfriend had said "oh I've bought all your valentines presents...."

Errrmmmm...yeeeeeeeehhhh me too!! :-D

He told me that he'd told her not to bother and to save the money for a night out together, but she went ahead with it. He told her that if she did buy something then it had to be just a fiver limit, as a token gesture. Seemed sorted to me.

Then he said that Asda are doing a 7p Valentines card which says "my love for you is priceless". He's buying 71 cards with his fiver and roping his mates in to write them all before dumping them in front of her with the classy words...."there ya go, open them".
 
#11
After 3 years of marriage during which faithfully I honoured St Valentine's (ie card, flowers, etc), my wife pointed out, "I don't know why you bother - after all, I know who sent them." So I said, "Fuck it", and never bothered since. Having said that, we have just celebrated our 39th wedding anniversary. The success of our marriage is demonstrated in that we still sometimes speak to each other. And I've saved a fortune by not buying any of the crap which is deemed necessary these days to observe the tradition.
That my friend, is a perfect marriage and should be a pattern for all of us. I have managed forty-seven years and never noticed "Valentine's Day", and rarely a birthday. She has a lovely ironing table she can sit at and a smoothing iron with its own water reservoir (so she does not have to refill it every few minutes). What more can a girl wish for - I even moved the TV so she can watch it as she works.
I often get up to switch the kettle on when it's time for her to make the afternoon brew - she really appreciates that.
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
#12
See, now here's the thing, my birthday is 2 days before Valentines Day which in turn is 1 day before payday, so do I spend the cash getting hammered on my birthday or on flowers and chocs for the other half, hmmmmmmm, hard choice really :)
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#13
Jesus. Thank God that Good CO (peace be upon His name) brought me here to educate the clueless.

Right. Heres the deal. Valentines is like rings (on the finger, not your fantasy anal up the ring. Pay attention). You dont give a fuck about them, but she does. Why I hear you ask? Good question.

Because she wants to give it large with her mates. "Ohhh look what he got me. It is two carat". Same with Valentines. So save money and knock up some bit of tat you made yourself. Doesnt matter if it is shite. She will then say "He gave me a hand made card". Sorted.

There will be no fee for this advice. Good CO pays me a retainer. Because he loves you.
 
#14


Bickies, Bickies, just for you.

A Secret Admirer xxxx
 
#15
If the Doris can show the big blue viens in her funbags when she wears low cut tops.... I think that I should be able to show everyone my Big Blue Vein as well.....

"Roses are Red,
Big Blue Veins are erect...
I think that I....
Do need some help..!"
 
#16
no bastard loves me so I won't get one and I've got noone to send one to so will be going to see a film on my own then to McDonalds on my own then to the pub on my own

thank you for starting this thread and reminding me of the pain that is my life...................bastard
 
#17


Bickies, Bickies, just for you.

A Secret Admirer xxxx
I tried that once on an ex. I had a normal day at work, thought I'd hand the joke card over first.

Little did I know, her youngest (4yo), had been off school with a minor sniffle, eldest (9yo), got sent home due to power cut. The two of them had been bitching all afternoon.

The look on her face on opening the 'Tesco Value' card was not the one I was expecting. Quick back track and real card handed over.


Still on the plus side, I'm single, so none of that shit to bother with. Won't get a shag, but I didn't that night either!
 
#20
Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

If you want live,

Stop crying and suck.
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
Little Jack H The NAAFI Bar 11
O The NAAFI Bar 143
O Classified Ads 0

Similar threads

New Posts

Top