Utterly useless presents (minor rant)

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by stoatman, May 16, 2008.

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  1. Now don't get me wrong, I really appreciate the thought when somebody buys me a present, but it really winds me up when somebody who has bought me something utterly useless gets really offended when they find out that I have not used it.

    This really grips my poo at the moment with people buying clothes for my baby which are completely impractical. Some genuine examples:

    A very beautiful vest/dress which is made of fine wool. The care instructions say that it should be washed as little as possible and very gently. Beautiful, no really. Expensive, certainly. But, genius, what do babies do? They are sick. What else do they do? They leak bright yellow poo out of their nappies onto nice expensive fine wool. Brilliant. If this gets worn once I will be surprised...

    A pretty little "party dress" in newborn size with inbuilt pants to prevent it riding up. Well, the genius that bought me this one has clearly been too long out of the loop of having babies. You really think I'm going to wrestle my very fragile newborn into this? At this point I was having enough trouble getting her into vests and baby grows. More to the point, do you think that I will be in a state during the first two months to either contemplate or have the opportunity of putting her in this? Self-delusion! Even worse, to change a nappy you have to wrestle the newborn out of it and then back into it. Brilliant!

    Dungarees that do not open with poppers around the crotch and inside leg. Fantastic for those explosively leaky poo moments.

    Anything with buttons that have to be opened when changing a nappy. Again, fantastically user-friendly when covered with poo.

    Anything not machine washable. If you buy me something like this, you are welcome to come and hand wash the poo off it.

    If you can't relate to this, have a baby and you will quickly be able to!

    I can't even begin to think of all the useless adult gifts that have been given to me over the years, so irate am I about all the useless baby crap.

    On the other hand, people who have had kids in the last few years had universally given me sensible and useful gifts for the baby. For this, I am eternally grateful.
  2. Perhaps you need the Outrage thread
  3. Quite!

    Here, for your pleasure, is the LINKY.

    Not wishing to add to your outrage, i've linked you to the last page (as it stands) so you can get straight on with your rant.

    Happy outraging.

  4. To be fair a few of my older mates have had babies recently and as a single bloke with no idea what it takes to have/look after a baby I never have a clue what to buy.

    Therefore I go straight into the nearest baby clothes shop, find the right size clothes and buy anything with a reasonable price tag.

    This said though once you have given the fake, thank you very much it is lovely, appreciation I couldn't care less what you/they do with it. Keep it, use it, give it to charity or sell on e-bay for all I care

  5. Having kids makes you irritable, just deal with it. Maybe you could get more sleep? :twisted:
  6. Hah! You are DEFINATELY a New Dad. The faeces fixation will pass - but it does leave scarring, I'm afraid.

    To the subject at hand: an ex-mother in law of mine announced once that she had chosen the perfect gift for the forthcoming Winterval.

    A vasectomy.

    Yes, she was an evil bitch. Though I did spend a pleasent few moments wondering how she was going to gift wrap it.

    As a footnote, some years later I had the pleasure of dancing a jig on her grave. :D
  7. Yes, I'm not looking forward to the day when she is on solids and having "proper" poo. I will miss the bright yellow, easily squirted colloid that passes for poo on a breast-fed baby. It is fascinating stuff, really, with the consistency of anything from sticky corn syrup to cheap, chunky chicken korma in which the bits of coconut have coagulated.

    And the colour -- anything from Coleman's English mustard to limegreen, and the ever persistent smell of vinegar and mouldy milk.


    I never thought I could end up with my life revolving around the bowel movements of a very tiny female like this...
  8. The only toy to buy for some one with young children is something brightly coloured that make a hell of a lot of noise.

    For my mates babies first birthday I got him a small steel drum. That bloke hasn't answered a phone call from me since, although he can't hear his phone going of the noise I think.