Useful advice to Olympics visitors 2012

OldSnowy

LE
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#1
Having read in the media today (http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2010/aug/11/visitbritain-foreign-visitors-2012-olympics) some handy hints on how to communicate with visitors to these shores for the Olympics in two years’ time, I wondered how they had come up with this list. Some of it was obviously suggested by ARRSE members, such is the level of almost deliberate nonsense, but I feel – in fact, I am sure – that we can do better!

So, what good advice would you have to furriners coming to London for the first time in a couple of years’ time?

My starters:

  • It is customary to stand for a few seconds on reaching the top of escalators on the underground, to get your balance back
  • Never attempt to tip a taxi driver
  • Try the famous echo in the strangers' gallery at the House of Commons, or in the reading Rom at the British Museum
  • Any passer-by is welcome to intervene in a game of cricket
  • London barbers are delighted to shave patrons' armpits
  • Bus conductors like to be paid in 5 and 10 pound notes as they hate carrying heavy coins
  • It is customary when using the gents lavatory in any pub, to greet visitors with a friendly pat on the bottom
  • If you're visiting Glastonbury, the last weekend in June is quite quiet
  • The fields around Longleat House are ideal for camping
  • If you're invited for a game of croquet, it's traditional to give your host a gift of a dozen moles
  • Millwall fans are known as 'Fairies'
  • Wales is nice
  • In London it is customary for Homosexuals around Whitehall to dress up in funny Uniforms (involving pale blue shirts) every Wednesday.
  • Never pay the price demanded for a newspaper; good-natured haggling is customary
  • On first entering an underground train, it is customary to shake hands with every passenger
  • Visitors in London hotels are expected by the management to hang the bedlinen out of the windows to air
  • Parking is permitted in the grounds of Buckingham Palace on payment of a small fee to the sentry
  • Beer is free in London Pubs once the Bell has been rung
  • You can identify brothels because they have a blue lamp outside
  • In London, you are encouraged to try a piece of fruit, free of charge from any open air stall
  • Women are not allowed upstairs on buses; if you see a woman there please ask her to descend
 
#2
- If you want to save money on hotels in central London, look in telephone boxes; these frequently display telephone numbers for very reasonable bed and breakfast accommodation.

- If you visit Oxford or Cambridge, hiring a small boat on the river is a most enjoyable way to see the sights. This is known as "cottaging" (since there are many delightful cottages to be seen from the river). A quaint custom is that the prospective cottager should bring his own small bottle of oil to grease the punt pole. To hire a boat, simply approach any of the boat hires on the river-bank, ask to go cottaging, and assure them you have grease for your pole. Or ask a policeman for directions to the best spot for cottaging.

- If you have problems getting a taxi in central London and there is a large hotel nearby, walk over. Often there is a smartly dressed gentleman outside whose job it is to summon taxis. If so, ask him to summon a taxi for you. Note that if he claims that he only gets taxis for the hotel's residents, you should politely remind him that he is obliged under the Hospitality to Foreign Visitors and Imperial Subjects Act (1897) to so assist you. (This applies in many similar circumstances and you should never be embarrassed to quote it. Know your rights!)

- If visiting Whitehall, remember to take a carrot or two for the horses of the Household Cavalry when they change the guard. Thoughtfulness such as this will make you stand out from other tourists and is always appreciated.
 

BuggerAll

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#3
One of the great sports of Britain is Greyhound Racing. Ask your taxi driver to take you 'dogging'.
 

BuggerAll

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#5
Gordon Brown the former Prime Minister is widely admired in Britain. British people will be flattered if you say that they remind you of him.
 

ACAB

On ROPS
On ROPs
#7
It is customary, especially in London, to snort, gargle really loudly, then deposit the contents of your nose at the foot of any police officers you may meet. Female police officers however, should be greeted by gently stroking their arse then asked if they're wearing stockings.

It is forbidden for London cabbies to engage in conversation whilst driving. The accepted term is to tell them to 'Shut the Fuck Up, you Cockney Twat'

The Guardsmen outside of St James Palace will be more than happy to converse with tourists. They also sell tickets to Garden Parties so you can meet the Queen. Don't be put off by denials. You can also snatch his bearskin to pose for photos though there is a slight risk he will bayonet you to death, so promise him your daughter first.

Drugs. Cannabis is called 'grass' in the UK. It is perfectly acceptable to walk up to a gang of teenage, brooding, hoodied black guys and ask which one of them 'is a grass Innit' They will be sure to service your needs.

Enjoy your stay!
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#9
Don't go to London, it's a dirty, horrible shithole full of Cockneys, Southerners and Foreigners - all of whom are cunts.
At last, some sound and useful advice - for anyone!!!!!!:winkrazz:
 
#10
There is a delightful group of people in England who stand well ahead of their kinsmen in greeting foreigners to this fair and picturesque land. make sure you aim to meet as many of the 'National Front' as possible on your visit.

During the Olympics, in celebration of personal physical achievement, it will be practiceable to leap over turnstiles in the London Underground and dash for trains system in order to set new hurdling and sprint records. These will be monitored by the Metropolitan Police Constabulary. The current champion is J.C.D. Menezes who is clearly of a higher calibre than the rest.
 
#11
Whilst on a pub crawl smashed off your tits, if a black woman around soho area asks you if you're in the mood to scramble some hookers pussy don't give her any money because she'll take it and disappear when she gives you 'directions' to the place of said encounter. Can't trust anyone these days :/
 

ACAB

On ROPS
On ROPs
#12
Don't go to London, it's a dirty, horrible shithole full of Cockneys, Southerners and Foreigners - all of whom are cunts.
Conversely, don't go North of Walsall as it's full of Ignorant Northern Bastards and Thieving Scouse Cunts. Above them are a race of alcoholic ginger wife beaters called the Scots
 
#13
Do stand in the middle of the pavement when reading your map
Take your time when walking through tube stations, especially between 08.30 and 09.30 also 16.30-18.30This will make you popular with regular commuters and you will advance your knowledge of colloquial English
The stand on the right signs on escalators do not apply to you, especially if carrying large cases
Standing in the middle of the road is ok and if a police officer blows a whistle at you, they are advising you about the best shot
 

ACAB

On ROPS
On ROPs
#14
Never mention, or visit 'Yorkshire' as the inhabitants seem to think it is the British version of Chechnya
 

Mr_Fingerz

LE
Book Reviewer
#15
The MPS Territorial Support Group will happily provide a helmet as a memento of your stay in the Capital.
 

the_boy_syrup

LE
Book Reviewer
#17
Visitors were your drinks,camera etc around your chest in a handy waistcoat with pouches
This fits nicely under your coat and only a few bumps will show
If you don't have change just jump the tube train barriers

No one will bother
 
#18
Shamelessly stolen but...........

Advice for tourists

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

Habits

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.
Universities

University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint mediaeval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their quills. Observing these customs will signal to the librarians that you are "in the know"- one of the inner circles, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he/she brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging". Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food

British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for).
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia-try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

Transportation

Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.
It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization - the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs.
 
#19
Do stand in the middle of the pavement when reading your map
Take your time when walking through tube stations, especially between 08.30 and 09.30 also 16.30-18.30This will make you popular with regular commuters and you will advance your knowledge of colloquial English
The stand on the right signs on escalators do not apply to you, especially if carrying large cases
Standing in the middle of the road is ok and if a police officer blows a whistle at you, they are advising you about the best shot
Bloody hell! When were you last in London? Or the UK for that matter?
 
#20
Yes... if you are a nice Foreign Lady, and you cannot find a place to relieve your bladder after drinking London's quaint beers. Always ask a London 'Bobby' (Policeman) if you can relieve yourself in his helmet. (It is a quaint ancient law, and it is still a legal requirement that an Officer of the law must comply with).

It the officer 'Booby' does not wear a helmet, take his hat off his head and relieve your bladder in this. He will then assist you to straighten out your underwear, and call up some Friends, and take you to a "Place of Safety" where you can have an afternoon siesta.

If you are a Gentleman of a Foreign disposition, you to can ask the nice Policeman if you can do a "Number 2's" in his helmet. Be sure to make sure than your Trousers and Underwear are pulled fully down around your ankles before squatting over the nice Policeman's Helmet. He will then will call some Friends, and take you to a "Place of Safety" where you can rest and sleep off you lunch of quaint London Beers.

Some nice London peoples who wear a Uniform, and are called "Revenue Collection Officers". If you are lost, or do not know the time. Try speaking some of your learnt English, and say to one of these nice Gentleman.... "Yore C*nt, innit, you b*stard!"

He will call some Friends up, and you will be given a free ride to a "Place of Safety" where you can sleep your lunch off after partaking of several Litres of quaint Old London Beers.
 

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