Useful advice to Olympics visitors 2012

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by OldSnowy, Aug 11, 2010.

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  1. OldSnowy

    OldSnowy LE Moderator Book Reviewer

    Having read in the media today ( some handy hints on how to communicate with visitors to these shores for the Olympics in two years’ time, I wondered how they had come up with this list. Some of it was obviously suggested by ARRSE members, such is the level of almost deliberate nonsense, but I feel – in fact, I am sure – that we can do better!

    So, what good advice would you have to furriners coming to London for the first time in a couple of years’ time?

    My starters:

    • It is customary to stand for a few seconds on reaching the top of escalators on the underground, to get your balance back
    • Never attempt to tip a taxi driver
    • Try the famous echo in the strangers' gallery at the House of Commons, or in the reading Rom at the British Museum
    • Any passer-by is welcome to intervene in a game of cricket
    • London barbers are delighted to shave patrons' armpits
    • Bus conductors like to be paid in 5 and 10 pound notes as they hate carrying heavy coins
    • It is customary when using the gents lavatory in any pub, to greet visitors with a friendly pat on the bottom
    • If you're visiting Glastonbury, the last weekend in June is quite quiet
    • The fields around Longleat House are ideal for camping
    • If you're invited for a game of croquet, it's traditional to give your host a gift of a dozen moles
    • Millwall fans are known as 'Fairies'
    • Wales is nice
    • In London it is customary for Homosexuals around Whitehall to dress up in funny Uniforms (involving pale blue shirts) every Wednesday.
    • Never pay the price demanded for a newspaper; good-natured haggling is customary
    • On first entering an underground train, it is customary to shake hands with every passenger
    • Visitors in London hotels are expected by the management to hang the bedlinen out of the windows to air
    • Parking is permitted in the grounds of Buckingham Palace on payment of a small fee to the sentry
    • Beer is free in London Pubs once the Bell has been rung
    • You can identify brothels because they have a blue lamp outside
    • In London, you are encouraged to try a piece of fruit, free of charge from any open air stall
    • Women are not allowed upstairs on buses; if you see a woman there please ask her to descend
  2. - If you want to save money on hotels in central London, look in telephone boxes; these frequently display telephone numbers for very reasonable bed and breakfast accommodation.

    - If you visit Oxford or Cambridge, hiring a small boat on the river is a most enjoyable way to see the sights. This is known as "cottaging" (since there are many delightful cottages to be seen from the river). A quaint custom is that the prospective cottager should bring his own small bottle of oil to grease the punt pole. To hire a boat, simply approach any of the boat hires on the river-bank, ask to go cottaging, and assure them you have grease for your pole. Or ask a policeman for directions to the best spot for cottaging.

    - If you have problems getting a taxi in central London and there is a large hotel nearby, walk over. Often there is a smartly dressed gentleman outside whose job it is to summon taxis. If so, ask him to summon a taxi for you. Note that if he claims that he only gets taxis for the hotel's residents, you should politely remind him that he is obliged under the Hospitality to Foreign Visitors and Imperial Subjects Act (1897) to so assist you. (This applies in many similar circumstances and you should never be embarrassed to quote it. Know your rights!)

    - If visiting Whitehall, remember to take a carrot or two for the horses of the Household Cavalry when they change the guard. Thoughtfulness such as this will make you stand out from other tourists and is always appreciated.
  3. BuggerAll

    BuggerAll LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    One of the great sports of Britain is Greyhound Racing. Ask your taxi driver to take you 'dogging'.
  4. England is reknowned for it's picturesque villages. During your stay you should make the time to visit the fine example of Tower Hamlets.
  5. BuggerAll

    BuggerAll LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Gordon Brown the former Prime Minister is widely admired in Britain. British people will be flattered if you say that they remind you of him.
  6. "My hovercraft is full of eels"
  7. It is customary, especially in London, to snort, gargle really loudly, then deposit the contents of your nose at the foot of any police officers you may meet. Female police officers however, should be greeted by gently stroking their arse then asked if they're wearing stockings.

    It is forbidden for London cabbies to engage in conversation whilst driving. The accepted term is to tell them to 'Shut the Fuck Up, you Cockney Twat'

    The Guardsmen outside of St James Palace will be more than happy to converse with tourists. They also sell tickets to Garden Parties so you can meet the Queen. Don't be put off by denials. You can also snatch his bearskin to pose for photos though there is a slight risk he will bayonet you to death, so promise him your daughter first.

    Drugs. Cannabis is called 'grass' in the UK. It is perfectly acceptable to walk up to a gang of teenage, brooding, hoodied black guys and ask which one of them 'is a grass Innit' They will be sure to service your needs.

    Enjoy your stay!
  8. Don't go to London, it's a dirty, horrible shithole full of Cockneys, Southerners and Foreigners - all of whom are cunts.
  9. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    At last, some sound and useful advice - for anyone!!!!!!:winkrazz:
  10. There is a delightful group of people in England who stand well ahead of their kinsmen in greeting foreigners to this fair and picturesque land. make sure you aim to meet as many of the 'National Front' as possible on your visit.

    During the Olympics, in celebration of personal physical achievement, it will be practiceable to leap over turnstiles in the London Underground and dash for trains system in order to set new hurdling and sprint records. These will be monitored by the Metropolitan Police Constabulary. The current champion is J.C.D. Menezes who is clearly of a higher calibre than the rest.
  11. Whilst on a pub crawl smashed off your tits, if a black woman around soho area asks you if you're in the mood to scramble some hookers pussy don't give her any money because she'll take it and disappear when she gives you 'directions' to the place of said encounter. Can't trust anyone these days :/
  12. Conversely, don't go North of Walsall as it's full of Ignorant Northern Bastards and Thieving Scouse Cunts. Above them are a race of alcoholic ginger wife beaters called the Scots
  13. Do stand in the middle of the pavement when reading your map
    Take your time when walking through tube stations, especially between 08.30 and 09.30 also 16.30-18.30This will make you popular with regular commuters and you will advance your knowledge of colloquial English
    The stand on the right signs on escalators do not apply to you, especially if carrying large cases
    Standing in the middle of the road is ok and if a police officer blows a whistle at you, they are advising you about the best shot
  14. Never mention, or visit 'Yorkshire' as the inhabitants seem to think it is the British version of Chechnya
  15. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    The MPS Territorial Support Group will happily provide a helmet as a memento of your stay in the Capital.