We were discussing weighty issues such as restorative justice at work today and I came up with the idea of using power tools in a gladiatorial arena against wild animals as an alternative to ASBOs. I'm sure the army could institute a similar system in lieu of extras and even (in extreme cases) court martial. The problem is one of fairness and balance. The system would have to have both of these, as well as an element of entertainment for spectators who would pay a nominal fee that would fund the system, as well as assist in breeding new and more dangerous beasts. What would you say would be fair tariff for such a system? For example, I think that a De Walt power drill would be overkill versus, say, two wild dingoes. OTOH, if you were in a life-or-death melee situation with two angry lobsters then all you'd need would be a hammer or a rounders bat. Do you see the dilemma? I think that for the dingoes a fair weapon would be a rusty shovel, or perhaps a sock full of pound coins. I would be very interested and grateful if the seasoned warrior-savants of the NAAFI could help me with suggestions for fair matches of both combatants and weaponry commensurate with the challenge. My favourite at the moment would be a scrote coated in honey fighting a pack of hornets and five heroin-addicted badgers with razor blades taped to their backs to make them look like little furry stegosauruses. The miscreant would be armed with a can of deodrant, a zippo lighter and a sharpened spatula. Please help me, the position paper needs to be in next week. Yours, as ever, Veg!