Use of Power Tools in Gladitorial Combat with Wild Animals

We were discussing weighty issues such as restorative justice at work today and I came up with the idea of using power tools in a gladiatorial arena against wild animals as an alternative to ASBOs. I'm sure the army could institute a similar system in lieu of extras and even (in extreme cases) court martial.

The problem is one of fairness and balance. The system would have to have both of these, as well as an element of entertainment for spectators who would pay a nominal fee that would fund the system, as well as assist in breeding new and more dangerous beasts.

What would you say would be fair tariff for such a system?

For example, I think that a De Walt power drill would be overkill versus, say, two wild dingoes. OTOH, if you were in a life-or-death melee situation with two angry lobsters then all you'd need would be a hammer or a rounders bat. Do you see the dilemma? I think that for the dingoes a fair weapon would be a rusty shovel, or perhaps a sock full of pound coins.

I would be very interested and grateful if the seasoned warrior-savants of the NAAFI could help me with suggestions for fair matches of both combatants and weaponry commensurate with the challenge. My favourite at the moment would be a scrote coated in honey fighting a pack of hornets and five heroin-addicted badgers with razor blades taped to their backs to make them look like little furry stegosauruses. The miscreant would be armed with a can of deodrant, a zippo lighter and a sharpened spatula.

Please help me, the position paper needs to be in next week.

Yours, as ever,

Listy said:
I'm just wondering what an Electric Toothbrush could be used against.
Killer ants?
303SMLE said:
Listy said:
I'm just wondering what an Electric Toothbrush could be used against.
Killer ants?
Schoolboy error, I'm afraid.

Battery-powered oral hygiene products are recommended for use in close combat against seagulls, pigeons and (in certain cases) angry crustaceans like the aforementioned lobsters.

"Rampant Rabbits" OTOH would be of use, I suppose, against rabid rabbits but might infringe upon decency laws. However, I'd have to look at the rulebook to see if marital aids are allowed.

In what case would it be acceptable to attempt combat wielding a two handed diamond tipped chain saw? According to the rule book against which animal would merit such a advantage in my view only the mighty Killer rabbit would be up to job
WhiteHorse said:
well, I might as well join you, Cheers.
By all means come on in the beers is fine
A lawnmower could be a good one against small rodents and stuff like that. Run them down then have them sucked up in a vacuum cleaner. An electric whisk could be used as softening up tool before you go in for the finish. Just a thought.
Do you reckon we could get the fisherman off the John West's Salmon advert, (The guy who kicks the bear in the knackers and then nicks his fish) to come and join in? Maybe him and that crocodile wrestler bloke could be on the expert panel of judges? :p
The issue of the chainsaw came up during our original discussion, and evoked passionate debate. Some considered the chainsaw to be the nuclear option of power tools, only to be unleashed against extremely ferocious beasts like rhinos. Others thought that good behaviour or mitigating circumstances (using a points system) might allow the magistrate to award the chainsaw. Personally I'd plump for a strimmer, but I'm a conservative when it comes to these things.

A diamond-tipped chainsaw could only be used against, say, a frenzied killer whale, which brings into play the possibility of aquatic arena (with a significant cost implication).

I'm very impressed with the egg-whisk idea. Food processing equipment can be quite dangerous, and I'll chase the idea up. I think a dis-assembled food blender would be an appropriate weapon against, say, a swan dunked in petrol and set light to (that would be a bugger of an opponent).

Many thanks for your input. I think this project will change the face of our criminal justice system for the better, I really do.

My friend, called Peter is a big fan of the ball peen hammer. He recommends its use against most land mammals. The problem with the killer whale is one of power supply, you would have to go for the petrol powered chainsaw as to use an electrical one would be a breach of the Health and Safety Act.
Deep pit + pack of hungry wolves + Chav with a can of dog food + electric can opener.


Deep pit + Baboons with angle grinders (and on angel dust) + Chav with hedge trimer.


Deep pit + crack addicted hedgehogs with poisoned needles on their backs + Chav with stolen VCR
Ok, pit full of spiders and person. The spiders of course are poisonous, although only slightly so you can suffer numerous bites before death occurs. The type of spider is unchanged under any situations but to vary the level of punishment the person would be placed in the pit for a set amount of time, naked other than the following equipment:

a)Bare feet or flipflops or Leather Jezzus sneakers or shoes or ankleheight boots or Combat high top boots or "fuck-me-boots"

(In addition to a )

b) Jam, spider hormones, spider replent etc.

Flexible and fair i think you'll agree, not to mention fucking funny...
Don't think 'Chinese burns' break any conventions on 'Weapons that cause Undue Suffering' so Power Sanders should be OK. Most mammals would need to be shaved before being sent into combat though.

Have you considered sponsorship deals with Black-and-Decker or Mikita?

How about a chicken coop containing two enraged baboons with sharpened motorcycle chains wearing rubber gimp suits versus Tony Blair wielding his wife's barrister wig and a packet of bananna chips

or Michael Jackson carrying a jar of swarfega with a dyson stuck up his arrse versus a rapid lama on heat carrying a car battery charger and leads
Listy said:
I'm just wondering what an Electric Toothbrush could be used against.
Surely, as a piece of personal hygiene equipment, this would be classified as "Cruel and unusual punishment"?

Another point to ponder is can the definition of "power tools" be extended to things such as combine harvesters, which would be used against giraffes, elephants, grizzly bears and the like?

As mentioned previously- sponsorship deals are the way forward. As would be transmission deals with the likes of sky...

Surely, then, we would need commentators?
Bit off topic, but combine harvesters (with extra-sharpened blades), and possibly mine flails, could be used instead of fences on the 'Horse of the Year Show". That would make it worth watching.

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