Use of Power Tools in Gladitorial Combat with Wild Animals

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Vegetius, Jun 30, 2005.

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  1. We were discussing weighty issues such as restorative justice at work today and I came up with the idea of using power tools in a gladiatorial arena against wild animals as an alternative to ASBOs. I'm sure the army could institute a similar system in lieu of extras and even (in extreme cases) court martial.

    The problem is one of fairness and balance. The system would have to have both of these, as well as an element of entertainment for spectators who would pay a nominal fee that would fund the system, as well as assist in breeding new and more dangerous beasts.

    What would you say would be fair tariff for such a system?

    For example, I think that a De Walt power drill would be overkill versus, say, two wild dingoes. OTOH, if you were in a life-or-death melee situation with two angry lobsters then all you'd need would be a hammer or a rounders bat. Do you see the dilemma? I think that for the dingoes a fair weapon would be a rusty shovel, or perhaps a sock full of pound coins.

    I would be very interested and grateful if the seasoned warrior-savants of the NAAFI could help me with suggestions for fair matches of both combatants and weaponry commensurate with the challenge. My favourite at the moment would be a scrote coated in honey fighting a pack of hornets and five heroin-addicted badgers with razor blades taped to their backs to make them look like little furry stegosauruses. The miscreant would be armed with a can of deodrant, a zippo lighter and a sharpened spatula.

    Please help me, the position paper needs to be in next week.

    Yours, as ever,

  2. I'm just wondering what an Electric Toothbrush could be used against.
  3. Killer ants?
  4. Schoolboy error, I'm afraid.

    Battery-powered oral hygiene products are recommended for use in close combat against seagulls, pigeons and (in certain cases) angry crustaceans like the aforementioned lobsters.

    "Rampant Rabbits" OTOH would be of use, I suppose, against rabid rabbits but might infringe upon decency laws. However, I'd have to look at the rulebook to see if marital aids are allowed.

  5. In what case would it be acceptable to attempt combat wielding a two handed diamond tipped chain saw? According to the rule book against which animal would merit such a advantage in my view only the mighty Killer rabbit would be up to job
  6. You have all been drinking.
  7. quite possible
  8. well, I might as well join you, Cheers.
  9. By all means come on in the beers is fine
  10. A lawnmower could be a good one against small rodents and stuff like that. Run them down then have them sucked up in a vacuum cleaner. An electric whisk could be used as softening up tool before you go in for the finish. Just a thought.
  11. Do you reckon we could get the fisherman off the John West's Salmon advert, (The guy who kicks the bear in the knackers and then nicks his fish) to come and join in? Maybe him and that crocodile wrestler bloke could be on the expert panel of judges? :p
  12. The issue of the chainsaw came up during our original discussion, and evoked passionate debate. Some considered the chainsaw to be the nuclear option of power tools, only to be unleashed against extremely ferocious beasts like rhinos. Others thought that good behaviour or mitigating circumstances (using a points system) might allow the magistrate to award the chainsaw. Personally I'd plump for a strimmer, but I'm a conservative when it comes to these things.

    A diamond-tipped chainsaw could only be used against, say, a frenzied killer whale, which brings into play the possibility of aquatic arena (with a significant cost implication).

    I'm very impressed with the egg-whisk idea. Food processing equipment can be quite dangerous, and I'll chase the idea up. I think a dis-assembled food blender would be an appropriate weapon against, say, a swan dunked in petrol and set light to (that would be a bugger of an opponent).

    Many thanks for your input. I think this project will change the face of our criminal justice system for the better, I really do.

  13. My friend, called Peter is a big fan of the ball peen hammer. He recommends its use against most land mammals. The problem with the killer whale is one of power supply, you would have to go for the petrol powered chainsaw as to use an electrical one would be a breach of the Health and Safety Act.
  14. Deep pit + pack of hungry wolves + Chav with a can of dog food + electric can opener.


    Deep pit + Baboons with angle grinders (and on angel dust) + Chav with hedge trimer.


    Deep pit + crack addicted hedgehogs with poisoned needles on their backs + Chav with stolen VCR
  15. ^ Would you like a job on the steering committee?