US/UK Military Relations on Arrse, from the Eagles Eyes

Discussion in 'Multinational HQ' started by American_Dominion, Jan 5, 2006.

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  1. As an officer and a gentleman, it was with some astonishment and growing sense of apropos that I recently chanced upon and read the unremitting hate and contempt of the US military establishment and Our Commander-in-Chief George W Bush on discussions, when all along, on this side of the American pond that is the Atlantic, we've been steadily talking with affection and respect for our little British ally and their incredibly brave Pom soldiers, and how they've been stalwart defence for America the Quarterback. It's most disconcerting that everything from our high tech, best-in-the-world equipment to our soldier-athletes to our doctrine of unrelenting, full spectrum destruction have been so insulted given that we are the ones who almost single-handedly tamed the Soviet bear for over fifty years, whilst most of the European countries signed up to cook and wash for our bases, and not even doing that good a job of it either. My sergeant often talked of pulling pubic hair from his salad.

    But then, over the slow chew-slurp-slurp of an energy bar, I realised I was wrong. I retraced the steps of what made the English dogface so endearing to the American soldier-athlete, and my love, yes love, for you my brothers in funky non-digital camo, returned with the force of an Exocet missile crushing a tin-can frigate. Surely the most heart-felt surge of feeling came from your hoary old disdain of anything technological, which comes across as so old school but cute nonetheless. Instead of training your men to operate UAVs and thumb chain-guns mounted on top of jeeps, you good olde boys still expect to march everywhere, "tab" is how you English translate it in your language, isn't it, and wield six inches of greasy steel. The wags would say that that's because you have to re-polish your five rounds each if you drop the mag, but as an officer and a gentleman, I am bound to ignore this slur to your honor.

    But there's no reason to cast contempt on the American model of making war. After all, we're the most successful modern force in the business of seperating people from their bad attitudes, America is. We can choose of course, like you, to get grimy tabbing everywhere with the load-out and grimness of Santa Claus an hour before Christmas dawn, or we can breathe out easily and fire a missile, drop a JDAM, ripple some ATACMs or in the case of Saddam's recalcitrant sons, do all repeatedly, accompanied with the tattoo of small arms. We're OPTIMISTS. With so much power at our disposal, we don't see the need to stick to the party line when there's so much to experiment with. Suppresive fire? Too slow really, we'll still be here next year, just pull that red-tinged trigger on that joystick already.

    Read the blog of the Cavalry tank officer who wanted to try firing a Javelin at a building for fun during Fallujah, found it didn't work, and simply accessed another one? On land, in the sea and the air, even in space, all the way clear to Mars, American might equals full spectrum dominace, even surely for infantry skills. And best-of-all, my little Brit buddies, all this firepower is yours to have if you would just ask to borrow it (A-10s would probably not be your cup of tea in any case, haha).

    Take the case of a jihadist resting at home with his murderous, camel-eatin' buddies. We could always surround them and round them up, I suppose, the Good Lord knows we're doing enough of this dreary crap, but wouldn't it be enjoyable to watch a Maverick nose its way through his roof and blow his DNA down the street? We sometimes fire two in different flight profiles just to see which one hits home first, or to try to get each in through a different window. We may not win hearts and minds, but we'll pick the relevant parts up from the street later, in just two shakes of the lamb's tail.

    Because I realised you don't understand how well oiled and formidable the American fighting machine is, I was merely peeved to read English warriors here describing their rainy time fighting the bad guys in Ireland as the right way to go about COIN. Please, it took you red-coats 30 years to get a grip on the situation, whilst the IRA drifted in and out of Northern Ireland, fighting as they wished! What impertinence! If America had been in charge of the situation, like in Europe then and forever, now maybe some city blocks would have been levelled, some of the population would be regretfully collaterally dead, but the IRA would have been shattered within an operational cycle and the survivors diving off the far coast of Ireland to make for St John's, Canada. And then we even have dolphins trained for these kind of things.

    There are so many other little details I love about earnest, close-shaven British squaddies, like the way you take twenty years to reach sergeant, your handle-bar moustaches that make you look mournful walruses, your inordinate love for dead leaves in boiling water, especially under fire, the way you have welcomed Iran into Basra as an unofficial partner of the American forged coalition, the way you take shit from your superiors without so much a peep of "**** you, twat" under your British-teethed breath, not audibly anyway. I even like the way you Englishers view drinking as a mark of hardness, when it is well known that American soldier-athletes view complete and final destruction of the Republic's enemies and their blood lines as the clarion benchmark of accomplishment. After all, some call this vocation, "war". Gosh, you Brits are such good allies, always willing to lend your backs for our glorious final climb to victory in the Global War on Terror.

    About Our Commander-in-Chief George W Bush, I will address the issue in a reply at the same zero hour tomorrow, shall we say 1500 GMT? He is a most misunderstood man, and patriot. Until then, this is faithfully

    George M Goldstein
    US Military
    Officer and Gentleman
  2. Get your coat!
  3. To George M Goldstein
    US Military
    Officer and Gentleman

    And I suppose you're trying to make up for being so unfashionably late for the last two world wars by being really punctual for the next one?
  4. this has got to be a wah, theres no way that even a septic can be this much of a prick.

    how long is an operational cycle? I ask because there seems to be no end in sight for your operational cycle in Iraq, the insurgents are killing US 'athlete like' troops with ease on a daily basis.
    RIP to those troops
    you may be an officer and a gentleman (US type therefore not so impressive) but you are also a knob.
  5. From the Jap's eye, more like.
  6. FFS, I thought that John Wayne made his Endex in 79. Seems he has made it back and is alive and kicking on ARRSE! :wink:
  7. This is a splendid rant from a major paramilitary organisation. Well done, that time at Leavenworth clearly was not wasted, one could spot several adverbs and quite a considerable number of correctly-placed punctuation marks.

    We of the lesser breeds, who have lost few wars in the last thousand years or so, are always keen to hear the views of our otherwise so silent and shy brothers-in-arms from across the Atlantic and it is thrilling, indeed, that one of the few, the happy few, the band of brothers which is the US Army (and leave us not forget, either, the capital-S Soldiers who compose it) has been able to make time from his busy and fulfilling life shuttling back and forth between Fort Hood and Fallujah to give us instruction and enlightenment.

    We all look forward to the next instalment, which will no doubt go a long way towards demystifying the enigma which is the President of the United States of America.
  8. An interesting concept on Northern Ireland, perhaps it would have been resolved quicker if you got a grip of your own country and stopped septic-paddies from shipping arms Ireland.
  9. If you're going to do a wind-up at least use correct terminology. We are POMS to aussies. The Septics call us LIMEYS!!!!
  10. Good effort my "'Merican" buddy....... but no cigar from this call sign.
  11. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    I would like to add.....WAHHHHH!

    But just in case you really are this insular and misguided can you tell me when the operational cycle will be over in Vietnam Somalia, Afghanistan & Cuba?

    There still seem to be a lot of blokes out there running round with AK47s and spitting on effigies of Shrub.
  12. PoM = 'Prisoner of the Motherland' for the uninitiated.

    The French call us 'Les Rosbifs'.
  13. WTF is that!
  14. POHM = Prisoner of Her Majesty if memory serves me correctly although in my day we were refered to as S.U.S.