US Military Clears A-Team

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  1. "WASHINGTON, DC -- After more than 30 years spent hiding in the Los Angeles underground as wanted criminals, the members of the crack commando unit Alpha Team, commonly known as the A-Team, were cleared of all charges brought against them by the U.S. military, an army official announced Monday.

    "'In 1972, we arrested the members of the A-Team for a crime they swore they didn't commit' Gen. Stephen Lupo said.

    "'They broke out of our maximum-security stockade, and from that moment forth, I thought of nothing but their recapture. However, a recent audit of their file has revealed that the arrest of the Alpha Force members was made in error. The U.S. military deeply regrets the mistake.'

    ...

    "Just hours after Lupo's announcement was made, Cpt. H.M. 'Howlin Mad' Murdock, the A-Team's pilot, resurfaced to speak with journalist Amy Allen, who often reported on the mercenaries' charitable acts.

    "'For decades, we've been forced to live in the shadows, 'Murdock said. 'Somehow, we always found a way to help people who had nowhere else to turn, but we operated under the constant threat of recapture. Finally, the nightmare is over.'

    "Added Murdock: 'Owooohh, I'm a little doggie! Ow ow owoooohhhh!'

    "Murdock and the surviving members of the team -- the classically handsome Lt. Templeton Arthur 'Face' Peck and the Mohawk-sporting mechanic, Sgt. Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus -- said that their joy over the announcement was tempered only by regret that their de-facto leader, Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith, was not alive to see their names cleared.

    "'Somewhere up there, Hannibal is smiling down on us -- maybe disguised as a giant crocodile or a wealthy diamond merchant,' Peck said. 'He loved it when a plan come (sic) together.'"

    "U.S. Military Clears A-Team Of Charges"
    http://64.233.179.104/search?q=cache:V0iaInQFZd4J:www.theonion.com/news/index.php%3Fissue%3D4032%26n%DI+%22U.S.+Army+Clears+A-Team%22&hl=en
     
  2. In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.

    The monologue we all know and love as the opening of the fantastic 80's TV thing, The A-Team. (Anyone under the age of about 13 or 14 will probably not remember this and are undoubtedly quite short.) But what does it actually mean, actually? Actually? Well here is a little breakdown of 'The monologue from the beginning of The A-Team.'

    In 1972, a crack commando unit

    I'm sorry, but in 1972, did they actually have crack commando units? Unlikely. What we believe they meant to say was a crap commando unit. So:

    In 1972, a crap commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.

    Now how many military courts can you think of that make stupid mistakes like that? Apart from them. And them. What we believe they meant to say was that they were sent to prison for a crime they didn't admit to committing. So:

    In 1972, a crap commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't admit to committing. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade

    Yeah, right! Promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade, my arse. We believe that this alleged 'maximum security stockade' was in fact just a mud hut with a door. That they closed, obviously. Otherwise it would be even stupider. So:

    In 1972, a crap commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't admit to committing. They promptly escaped from a mud hut with a closed door to the Los Angeles underground.

    In America, the Underground is called the subway. Obviously they meant to say this. So:

    In 1972, a crap commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't admit to committing. They promptly escaped from a mud hut with a closed door to the Los Angeles subway. Today, still wanted by the government,

    Today?! This is almost thirty years on for crying out loud! And if our memories serve us correctly, the only person who made a conscious effort to catch them was that really queer army bloke, who we think had a 'tache. We may be wrong, but we don't care. So:

    In 1972, a crap commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't admit to committing. They promptly escaped from a mud hut with a closed door to the Los Angeles subway. Today, still wanted by that queer bloke with the 'tache, they survive as soldiers of fortune.

    We don't know what this even means, so we'll get rid of it and put in 'they survive a bit.' So:

    In 1972, a crap commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't admit to committing. They promptly escaped from a mud hut with a closed door to the Los Angeles subway. Today, still wanted by that queer bloke with the 'tache, they survive a bit. If you have a problem,

    Sadly they don't specify what sort of problem. For all anyone knows, it could be an embarrassing medical condition. For the sake of this, we'll assume they mean impotence, because it's funny. Well it's funny for us because we don't suffer from it. So:

    In 1972, a crap commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't admit to committing. They promptly escaped from a mud hut with a closed door to the Los Angeles subway. Today, still wanted by that queer bloke with the 'tache, they survive a bit. If you're impotent, if no-one else can help,

    Or more realistically, if no-one wants to go near you. So:

    In 1972, a crap commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't admit to committing. They promptly escaped from a mud hut with a closed door to the Los Angeles subway. Today, still wanted by that queer bloke with the 'tache, they survive a bit. If you're impotent, if no-one wants to go near you, and if you can find them,

    Why exactly would you not be able to find them? Unless they hide from people they don't know. Which is fairly likely. So:

    In 1972, a crap commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't admit to committing. They promptly escaped from a mud hut with a closed door to the Los Angeles subway. Today, still wanted by that queer bloke with the 'tache, they survive a bit. If you're impotent, if no-one wants to go near you, and if they're not hiding, maybe you can hire the A-Team.

    Unless they're out, in which case you'll get stuck with the B-Team. So:

    In 1972, a crap commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't admit to committing. They promptly escaped from a mud hut with a closed door to the Los Angeles subway. Today, still wanted by that queer bloke with the 'tache, they survive a bit. If you're impotent, if no-one wants to go near you, and if they're not hiding, maybe you can hire the A-Team. Unless they're out, in which case you'll get stuck with the B-Team.
     
  3. Its not real.

    You must be really busy at work :roll: