Urgent insult assistance required!!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by steven seagull, Feb 18, 2011.

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  1. Im putting an email together to send to a colleague who is always cocking up. He's always wrong or dropping clangers but has somehow pulled a blinder today and wont shut up about it.

    What I'm looking for is something along the lines of "the sun shines on a dogs arse now and again" but more insulting and funnier (which isnt hard)

    Seeing as you lot are the nastiest bunch of belligerant barstewards I know I thought you wordsmiths could lend a hand. It doesnt matter how vile it is as I'm the team leader and its only going to folks with my sense of humour.

    Cheers SS
  2. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Dear Twatdangle,

    You are such a fucking doss cunt you have made me lose the will to live, or at least to work. I want nothing more than to lie in a puddle of piss under a motorway bridge chugging a purple tin. So I am going to send this email to folks with my sense of humour in the sure and certain knowlege that by Monday it will have viralled into the Inbox of everyone in the enterprise including my boss who has a face like the smell of gas and stinks of fish.

    Kind regards, steven seagull.
  3. Thankfully it won't be a problem as he is the boss and knows he's a bluffing fucker.
  4. The adult human brain is estimated to contain from 1014 to 5 × 1014 (100-500 trillion) synapses. Congratulations, you have located and used the two in your brain that are wired correctly.
  5. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Then fuck insults. Action this day. Scoot down Tesco and get a jar of chunky peanut butter. Scoop it out and mould on the bonnet of his car with a point on top. Wipe out the jar with bog roll and stick that on the bonnet. Retire and giggle.
  6. Why bother with the peanut butter, coil one yourself and save the expense.
  7. dear boss

    you did well today. amazing. congratulations. you're a throbber though and have no clue and stuff about things y'know? i know.
    i'm a team leader. that's because i'm brilliant, and you're a mong and know nothing, but you're still my boss.
    i wanted to write you a funny abusive email but couldn't think of anything. so i asked some guys on the internet who are really hardcore if they could write one up for me.

    that's my humour.

  8. Careful or I'll set Stacker1 on you again. :)
  9. i thought he didn't exist. he's a sort of standard reply bot.
  10. Dear inbred,

    you have now shown that sound mind and moment of clarity that allowed you to climb out of the abortion bucket all those years ago. Kudos! Just remember you are still a dull retarded fuck whit who smells of wee and is very much ridiculed, even to your face but you are too thick to notice.

    Have a good day

    p.s. Please do not have kids, or force us to meet the missus again.
  11. You may need to remind him that 'you can't polish a turd'.
  12. On a less career threatening note - Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut - add you jammy cunt as its the Naffi
  13. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Because the grit on your shoes would scratch the bonnet and get you nicked. Unless you wander around the place barefoot you fucking hippy. Fancy a Mu tea do you? Jesus. Why do I bother?

    You could of course, squeeze one out into your hand? If that is one of your life-skills, please contact my associates at Joy Angels. We pay out in Euro's.
  14. Put in Air-stealing Meat-sack, that's a favourite of mine.
  15. Breaking sports news.........................................

    'Getting it Right' have just pulled one back against 'Normal Cock-ups'.

    Current score. GIR 1 NCU 10