Urgent advice needed

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by OldRedCap, Mar 8, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I urgently need some personal advice. I have met and fallen in love with a fabulous woman and we are to marry. I have a poor family background. My mother is special; she has a defective gene and is a dwarf. She earns a living as a porn star. My father is a violent paedophile and is only kept under control by complicated medication which he does not like taking. My sister is a lesbian with full-blown AIDS. She works as a prostitute and solicits married men whom she infects as punishment for their immorality. My half-brother runs an internet chat-room specially designed to allow adult males contact young children. We are gippoes and live on a pikey encampment.

    My beloved knows all of this and accepts them as relatives-to-be. However, I have kept part of my life secret as I fear that she would call the whole thing off were she to find out. I am myself ashamed to tell her the truth and ask for your guidance.

    Should I tell her I used to be a warrant officer in the SIB?
  2. Dear Old Red Cap,

    Your relationship will never work if it is built on falsehoods and lies, you must be honest with her before the wedding.

    Take her to a public place such as a expensive bistro and over the meal broach the subject, be prepared for her to be upset at your deceit.

    If she loves you as you say in your letter, she will work with you to over-come yor slight slide from normal social behaviour and will forgive you for the time you spent in the SIB. If she decides to leave you, then it was never meant to be, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, you will eventualy get over her and find someone new.

    Luv, happiness & peace

    Aunty J
  3. ... ORC, erm... why are you bothered? It's not like you ever gave a sh*t about what people thought of you in the past, being SIB and all...

    <... if you tell her and she goes batsh*t, I'll have yer, cos I have a thing for total, utter b*st*rds... oooer, you nasty man, you>
  4. Why not put on your best cheap Burton's suite, take her for a drive in a white ford escort diesel estate, and accuse her of something that she had nothing to do with. That way she will work out your sordid past for herself.
    Then when she mag to grids you, you can victimize her for the rest of her career.
    Following this, you can become depressed about your lack of mick jagging so to eleviate this just take it out on the lads at work.
  5. ORC,
    There is an alternative;
    Might I suggest killing two birds with one stone, you could avoid telling your bride to be anything about your thieving gyppo past and do the nation a big favour at the same time.
    Wait until silent hours and visit your families illegal campsite on council land and, taking some rat poison, poison some meat and feed it to yapping diddycoy dogs to shut them up. Then, using the black and nasty you brought along, tape shut all the travelers doors, a strong wide B&N should be used, failing that the overflowing stolen council bins propped up against the doors should suffice in keeping the blighter's in.
    Next, return to the boot of you car and remove the case of 12 Molotov cocktails you prepared earlier, hopefully you remembered to cram them half full of elastic bands for that 'clinging' effect. Start with the adults van first, I know that might be difficult as your old man will be stuck across your sister and your mum getting it from her brother but try and get the big uns first.
    Now remember, if they have the European spec caravans, the windows will be plastic and the projectile will bounce off and probably hit you! not a satisfactory conclusion.
    Throw Molotov's into the vans and stand well back. It might have been better if you had put some ear defenders in to muffle the screams but that would only reduce the pleasure IMHO.
    Get in the car and drive home, and never mention that you had a family to the hapless girl......job done.
  6. ORC The Riggers advice is sound.

    If not content with stitching her like a kipper, try and get her friends to turn agaisnt her by insinuating they are also involved in the made up crime you have accused her of just because the brand new Lance Jack from Chichester bought de-caf instead of Monkey Strength breath damaging arabian crap from the Turk side of town.

    Show your commitment to her by putting on the uniform you haven't worn for 17 years, ill fitting and still with L/Cpl stripes on... and promise her you will quit the Donuts, Flake bars and late night gyros and fit back into the marching suit in the near future.

    Never ever ever threaten to fill her in, she may wait until your off duty and pan fcuk out of you in the NAAFI though, then walk off snarling 'Hide behind your uniform now you filthy pig cnut'
  7. Feel the love for our Special Investigation Branch of the Royal Military Police :-(
  8. End this relationship now. Plant some Class A drugs on her and turn her in (and claim the bounty)
  9. Alternatively you could invite her to a posh restaurant, then when she turns up, you could be dressed in a pantomime monkey outfit, surely she will get the message then.

    Or you could go on operations with her and spend all day in an air conditioned porta kabin, listening to BFBS and drinking stims whilst she is out on the ground. When she comes back in off ops and is uber chin strapped, you could pull the duty hardman with her for speeding on camp and tell her that all rules should be obeyed and incase she wasn't aware 'We are in an operational environment'.

    If you do genuinely want to placate her, you could say 'At least I wasn't a snow drop.' Now I REALLY FCUKING HATE THE RAF COPPERS!!!!!!!
  10. I went through Juniors with the Young RMP type chappies.... They must have a snitching Gene in them from day one. One young chap was notorious for bubbling his oppos resulting in major beastings and punishment PT.

    Never have such a small club of people thrived on others misery so much. Is it frustration at never getting thier teeth into a case more major than the 'Missing Minden MFO' or the 'Munster MMA grand fraud'

    I was once delevered naked to the RMP by a semi amused GCP copper, I was discovered on a train station in Bremen and managed to get almost back in the bollcky with no money nor undergarments... The RMP wanted to throw the book at me, all I wanted was something to cover my shrivelled penis (Like a WRAC pigs mouth)

    If it wasn't for my SSMs bigger hatred of filth than mine I'd still be on the offenders wing at Colchester, stitched like the A-team for a crime I didn't commit..(With absolutely no access to the Los Angeles underground)
  11. An ex WO in the dreaded SIB? Ok boys, where does he live? I'm to get the boys with wooly faces organised :)
  12. PM me your address and I'll send you a Webley and 1 Round...... :wink:
  13. Why not do what the monkeys did when 29 Commando burnt down an atap in Holdfast Camp.

    Simply employ one of your ex-mates from the job to conduct a laughable attempt at a good cop-bad cop routine.

    Having been interrogated in these circumstances, I can confirm that it is indeed a strong psychologically disfiguring tool. At one stage, I had no idea who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, such was the incompetence of their technique.

    If she decides, rightly, to kick you in to touch for your sordid past, say to her.

    "Come on, own up, we know it was you. We've got one of your mates in the canteen now telling us it was you wot started the fire."

    Hopefully you can pull a better routine than the Holdfast boys. The bloke who was supposed to be squealing on me, was clearly visible from the guardroom, getting his swede trimmed by one of the chogies.

    The monkeys. If I live to be 106 i'll never get tired of jipping them. They're like a NETTO version of an RP.
  14. Marry her... Get her a good insurance policy (Obviously making sure she leaves everything to you). Top her, why not stitch her up? You should have past experience in this department!!
  15. With your username are you sure you are not also one of those beloved SIB chaps? Certainly seem to have the low down on the covert dress and wheels.

    the_rigger/evidence_rigger/whotostitchuptoday all seem to mean the same thing