"Urban Myths" of the British Army

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by GunnersQuadrant, Nov 13, 2004.

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  1. GunnersQuadrant

    GunnersQuadrant LE Moderator

    Spending the evening bulling my boots for tomorrows service of remembrance, i pondered over the question of how much of my own money i have spent on boot polish, Brasso, bulling rags, etc, etc. I remember being told that you could claim your money back for these items as they are actually needed for your job (of sorts) although i have never heard of anyone actually doing it. Is this one of the many "Urban Myths" which travel the Army as it must have had a basis in fact at one point to become one. So lets have more of these Legends for all to mull over. :D
  2. You may be able to claim as a deduction against your Income Tax as "work related expenses"
    Usually though it's based on being over a percentage of adjusted income, and falls below the minimum, so in effect it can't be claimed.
  3. There is a mummified and non existent "Coachload of nurses from Woolwich" working their way to a NAAFI bop near you.
  4. Perhaps the coach was diverted to collect the equipment which will be issued 'when you arrive in theatre'....
  5. I have often wondered about these two nuggets:

    Two blokes from the RCZ half-inched a Stolly, swam it across the English Channel, got over half way and then turned back - only to later discover that it was full of benz cans on the back. :oops:


    Two blokes (presumably different ones from the above) went down the Giant Ski Jump on black placky bin liners when they were on Snow Queen. Sometimes this story is told as they when down the Cresta run, but either way some amount of alcohol was involved and neither lived to tell the tale. :evil:

    Both myths and legends or is their some grain of truth :?: :?: 8O 8O
  6. I can shed some light on the bin bag and cresta track myth..

    Many moons ago, St Moritz, venue of the British Bobsleigh championships and the world cup.

    The british army team and all its hangers on go on the lash, big time...

    The trucks are painted neutral colours in order that they can be driven around Switzerland and outside BFG, they are also plated up with civvy plates... the TM I took was painted with blue emulsion :D

    The night continues and you can see the more serious athletes and dedicated bob-gods vanish off to thier respective hotels, the British end up barely able to walk running up a bar bill the size of the Balkans.

    on the stumble back to the accomodation someone spys a tractor... ideal for stealing.. so we did and made our way up to the bob track... all twelve of us

    We discovered that the bobsleds were under lock and key and there was no way we could steal them.... undeterred we went to the car park and pulled out a drip tray from under each of the wagons and made our way to the start line.

    Fcuk me.. if you think 90 miles an hour in an ice tube on a bobsleigh is scary you should try 60 on a drip tray in jeans and a t shirt :D

    The following morning, the day of the championships GB 1 driver can't be found..... the swiss police found him trying to get the stolen tractor down the bobsleigh track and it took eigth of them to make him part company with his trophy.......

    Obviously he can't be named but he formed part of the team that lifted bronze medal in the olympics a few years ago :D

    Ont he day of the championships, Bob carolgees was there filming something about a mong who wanted a go...... when we got to the bottom of the track he was there all cheerful and wanting to interview us... I had puked in my helmet, Mal had shat his pants and we all in rag order and stinking, carolgees face was a picture... he must have been so proud.

    Cortina and ice skating drunk down the track is another story........ as is the 90m ski jump on a wobbly crate :D

    Typing this has brought back so many memories.... I almost feeling like putting on a lycra race suit and soiling myself..... just like I did every lauf down the Bobtrack :D :D
  7. another one i've heard recently is:

    if you're sleeping, and someone wakes you up; you have five/ten (amount varies) seconds to fill them in. as you are still waking up, you are unaccountable for your actions (ie. maybe having a dream about fighting).

    Like I said, not too sure how true it is, but entertaining nonetheless.
  8. What about the following barrack block standards:

    Finding a p!ssed-up victim, and placing his hand in a bucket of water, encouraging bed-wetting. Is this true, fiction or a coincidence - maybe he was going to swamp anyway!

    The "initiation ritual" where the recruit is blindfolded and told to kiss what is proferred to him as a loyalty symbol. He kisses what feels like a hairy cleft and the blindfold is removed to reveal a bloke standing with his backside out. Unknown to victim, someone else merely rolled up his sleeve and folded his arm to create a substitute cleft in the crook of his arm. Now, why not just make the guy kiss someone's arrse anyway!?
  9. What about the old one about being able to disobey an order without consequence, providing it is done on the stroke of midnight, on the basis that there is no such thing as 2400 or 0000, but 2359 and then 0001.
  10. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    8O 8O

    Jussus ! MDN in lycra now......

    I'm trying to get the image out of my mind - it's like scabby feet in a condom !
  11. What about "They can't charge us all" :lol:

    This was said to me in 1988 and seemed to make sense.

    On adventure training in Plymouth we were told that we were gated on the first night but could happily go and lash it up on Union St for the rest of the week. This was backed up by the threat that we'd get bounced if we disobeyed.

    This seemed harsh but I was a sprog and didn't want to break the rules. One of the leaders of our little gang started getting his gladrags on, whilst muttering the immortal phrase above. 25 of us went out. The same 25 were in two's dress outside the OC's office one week later. They CAN charge you all.
  12. I must be the only soldier in the Army to have actually seen "the coachload of nurses" These were not from Woolwich or from Rinteln but from Newquay.

    As a "Tom" my company deployed to Penhale Camp to do our Class 1 Infantry soldier upgrade. On the friday afternoon our Pln Sgt said that there would be a disco on camp that night and the said "coachload of nurses" would be coming along. He added that anyone who volunteered for guard that night would get the rest of the weekend off when we returned to Aldershot.

    I wasn't falling for that old "coachload of nurses" ploy so I stuck my hand up for guard and looked forward to Saturday night in the 'Shot.

    Imagine how I felt on the gate that evening when the bloody coach turned up!

    Wiz :?
  13. brought a smile to my face AFKAC,

    i remember in brats school as a 16 yr old apprentice the OC came out on parade and demanded we remove our jumpers and shirts.

    a number of us had a names written down. :roll:

    a week later the CSM was carrying the OC's desk out the back of the company block and 52 of us were charged for having tattoos under the age of 18!! great eh!! :cry:
  14. I was based at RAF St Mawgan and remember the coachload of nurses, who were collected from the two hospitals in Truro. Usually they were brought to our weekly NAAFI bop, but on occasion we sent the ugliest ones to Penhale.
  15. What about all those blokes that you heard about who pretended to be mad to get booted out.

    There were loads of stories about guys faking doo-lallyness to get the elbow, but I never actually met one. Although I used to take some solace in the fact that you might be able to jump ship without having to pay, the tales always stretched credibility. There was one going round Aldershot that a guy pretended that he had an imaginary bike until they were forced to get rid of him. He is supposed to have ridden this bike to the Dakota outside depot Para and then mimed throwing it away with the words "Won't be needing that fcuker any more." If the medical services in the shot were prescribing brufen for broken legs what were the chances of a correct madness diagnosis?

    Great stories though.

    "Why have you decided to leave Lance Corporal Beer-Belly?"
    "I want to join the circus sir"
    "Really, in what capacity?"
    "I'd like to be an acrobat, sir."
    "Amazing, and why an acrobat?"
    "Well, sir, i've been a fcuking clown for the last nine years and I fancy a change."