Unusually floaty turds - help required

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by TopBadger, Dec 4, 2008.

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  1. Dear Arrsers,

    Late yesterday afternoon at work I duely answered one of mother natures more urgent calls to go lay some chocolate cabling. Lovely specimen, nice bouqet, nutty bits, all the trimmings.

    However, on flushing, my masterpiece lingered on. So I threw some andrex sheets over it, waited for the cistern to refill and flushed again. The sheets got flushed but still the turd lingered! Not having the patience to wait for the cistern a third time I went back to work, thinking i'd give it a flush before I left work and went home.

    This morning after my 'poo-brew' I got another call and went to assume the position to find my masterpiece was still there! Obviously I'd forgotten to go back and re-flush, and my work collegues either don't sh1t or have used the only other toilet on the premises. Its condition had deteriorated somewhat overnight, some bits split off and 'turned the milk chocolatey', the bouqet had soured, and parts of the masterpiece had developed a whitish aspect.

    On further flushing, including copious amounts of loo roll, its still there, it refuses to depart!

    So, ever suffered from usually floaty turds? And how did you get rid?

    TB
     
  2. Beat it to death with the bog brush, or lift it out, varnish it and mount it it on an oak board then hang it on your wall
     
  3. Theres an individual with a similar problem at my work, when one nips into the can to ease springs you are often greeted by a foul rotting veg type stink and a vile turd loaf floating in the pan with a bizarre yellow-pink tinge, personally my vote is to pull the dirty fcuker through, with a brillo pad attached to some paracord, but we have to find him first!
     
  4. More iron in diet
     
  5. Sounds like the chod is filled with little floatation bags - have you been swallowing Maltesers whole?
     
  6. Cover it with some thick bleach and let the chemicals soak in. Then move onto seperating those peanuts and sweet corn chunks with the brush. Flush as required.
     
  7. Often caused by the body not digesting fats correctly. Adding more fibre to your diet will help.

    (edited to add: - sometimes I am bewildered by the stuff my brain comes out with!! :? )
     
  8. since my son turned veggie we have the problem of inflatable turds quite often. Fill up a pail of water and empty into loo while simultaneously flushing. Works for us!!!
     
  9. THetford Blue Chemmy toilet fluid kills all known turds, funny it's called after a traing area
     
  10. [​IMG]

    Try keeping one of these next to the bog brush.

    (Sorry for the yoomungous pic.)
     
  11. Turd soup lovely

    can;t see laughing to much
     
  12. You know when you're in the shower or bath and you crack one off? You know how the baby batter that sticks to the hairs on your legs goes all gloopy, doubles in volume and becomes aerated due to the contact with water?

    Apparently, the same applies when it's in contact with your stomach contents. There's your problem you tatty-water supping herma.
     
  13. God I love these CULTURED threds
     
  14. Sounds like you have way too much fibre in your diet, you health nut.

    Get on the BLT sarnies (white council-house bread of course), packets of crisps coke and mars bars and see all your floaty nightmares flushed away.