I don't think this has been done before: What about that wonderful source of scandal and education the, "Unusual Occurence" Book? "11.50 hrs, 25 Dec 197x Sir, SUS banged on cell door and demanded that he be allowed to give blood. I punched him twice and blood was duly given. Sir, I have nothing further to report." "19.30 hrs, XX June 197x Sir, Gnr Xxxxxxxx reported to the Guardroom to request an ambulance to the MRS. I requested details of his condition, and was shown a mutilated peni$. He had been trying to indulge in coital relations with his girlfriend, and her lack of experience and lubrication meant that, upon entry, his foreskin was detached from its retainer. Ambulance called. Sir, I have nothing further to report." "00.35 hrs, XX Oct 1981 Sir, at the reported time I heard female screams coming from the area of the washdown. There was a strong hint of distress in them and, accordingly, I turned out the Guard with pick-helves and set off to investigate leaving Gnr Xxxxxx on the gate. On arrival at the washdown, there was no sign of anyone, nor any evidence of a crime. We were returning to camp when the screams were heard again, this time from the Assault Course. Investigation here proved as fruitless. I sent the Guard back to the Guardroom, and went to the MOD police station to report what I thought had been a serious assault. The MOD police laughed and asked whether I had ever heard a fox in heat before? I hadn't. Sir, I have nothing further to report."