Unusual Occurence Book

I don't think this has been done before:

What about that wonderful source of scandal and education the, "Unusual Occurence" Book?

"11.50 hrs, 25 Dec 197x

Sir, SUS banged on cell door and demanded that he be allowed to give blood.
I punched him twice and blood was duly given.

Sir, I have nothing further to report."

"19.30 hrs, XX June 197x

Sir, Gnr Xxxxxxxx reported to the Guardroom to request an ambulance to the MRS.
I requested details of his condition, and was shown a mutilated peni$.
He had been trying to indulge in coital relations with his girlfriend, and her lack of experience and lubrication meant that, upon entry, his foreskin was detached from its retainer.

Ambulance called.

Sir, I have nothing further to report."

"00.35 hrs, XX Oct 1981

Sir, at the reported time I heard female screams coming from the area of the washdown. There was a strong hint of distress in them and, accordingly, I turned out the Guard with pick-helves and set off to investigate leaving Gnr Xxxxxx on the gate.

On arrival at the washdown, there was no sign of anyone, nor any evidence of a crime.

We were returning to camp when the screams were heard again, this time from the Assault Course. Investigation here proved as fruitless.

I sent the Guard back to the Guardroom, and went to the MOD police station to report what I thought had been a serious assault. The MOD police laughed and asked whether I had ever heard a fox in heat before?

I hadn't.

Sir, I have nothing further to report."

0234 hrs Dec 14th 1981
Sir, at the reported time a German civilian taxi driver, Herr Schmidt, arrived at the guard room and announced he wished to make a complaint. He stated that whilst returning to Herford town centre having dropped off a fare at Harewood Barracks he saw three or four bodies lying in a snowdrift next to the Mindenerstrasse. Upon stopping to assist he was horrified when they all jumped up and pelted him with snowballs and abuse. Herr Schmidt took cover in his taxi and in his rear view mirror saw the offenders running up Mindenerstrasse towards the barracks. Herr Schmidt is strongly of the opinion that the offenders were members of the 1st Royal Tank Regiment as we are the only Regiment stationed at that end of the Mindenerstrasse and it was too far for the bleeps to get back to their barracks.

Sir, I have nothing further to report.
0256 hrs Dec 14th 1981
Sir, at the reported time Herr Schmidt the taxi driver returned to the Guardroom with another complaint. He now stated that his hub caps had gone absent. I reminded Herr Schmidt that although 1RTR may be stationed at these barracks, his complaint would probably be better taken up with 1st Battalion, Kings Regiment. A knowing smile appeared on Herr Schimdts face and he departed shortly afterward.

Sir, I have nothing further to report, other than I haven't a clue where the Kingos are posted but it seemed to work

ATTD, (25 Dec) RSM (WO1) ******** * RA stated that 'Mr Blobby' had failed to properly check his MoD 90 and his car pass.

Mr Blobby was subsequently awarded (pre AGAI 67!) 12 Hrs of Extras.


As an aside he also brought in a plate of XMAS grub and a crate of beer :D


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
The Incident Book. Probably the funniest journal every invented. I just wish that I had copied the entries, I could have made a fortune - George MacDonald Fraser could not have improved on it.

The book was the first place I came across the description 'Wriggly Tin' and had to have it explained to me - very young at the time.

Every time I was on guard/BOS I always took time to read through the Incident Book. I just wish I could remember the entries (over 30 years ago) but the comments by the RSM were often just as funny, although I don't think I ever pointed that out.
(Unnamed police station in) "X" DIVISION GRID OCCURENCE BOOK

TITLE: AUSTRALIAN MISPER (Missing Person) RECOVERED BY NIGHT DUTY @ 03:00 (Some date I've forgotten in 1994)

On (Day, Date, Time, Place) a call was recieved from a member of the public (CAD Message 123ABC refers) reporting a MISPER (Miss. Sheila OUTBACK, of 123 Aussie Street, Earl's Court, London SW5). The caller was Miss OUTBACK'S boyfriend who said that they had been drinking and arguing after an evening out. Miss OUTBACK had then wandered off under the influence of drink and (possibly) drugs and the caller suspected that she might make her way to a friend's house in the "X" Division Area.

The Night Duty were busy at the time of CAD123ABC being received and there appeared to be no units available to deal. Furthermore, Miss OUTBACK was over eighteen years of age, acting under her own volition and not a vulnerable MISPER.

Her appearance was circulated over the Divisional radio net:

MISPER: Miss Sheila OUTBACK. Australian IC1 Female, approx twenty years of age. Last seen heading West on District Line tube train, getting out at Somewhere North LTR station. She is described as being 5'9" with long blonde hair and athletic build. She has gone missing from a "Rocky Horror" evening and is wearing a black lace basque, stockings, suspenders, high heels and a feather boa.

The following callsigns immediately repsonded with offers to assist with the search:

X1, X2, X3, X4, F1, F2, B1, B2, B3 (Area cars from inner-to-outer West London)

XA1, XA2, FA2, BA2 (Station vans from Ealing, T'Bush and Notting Hill)

(Various callsigns from every panda car in Europe)

Oscar 6/0, Oscar 6/1, Oscar 5/0 (Traffic Units)

India 99 (Force Helo)

Thames6 (A Thames Division marine patrol craft)

Every Dog Van on 6 Area

Trojan 51/A (Armed Response)

Therefore adequate assets were availabe to deal with the call and Miss OUTBACK was found fairly quickly at a friend's house. She offered her thanks at the impressive response from the Metropolitan Police at such an early hour and was only sorry that she was unable to provide tea to so many helpful officers.

Nothing further to report:

PC Vegetius, 123"X"
I have heard a very good incident book report to do with a RSM getting stung by a Bumble Bee ( we all know bee's die after stinging but obvious this guy didnt),

The RSM then caught a bee in a jar and sealed the lid. Took it to the Guard room, to be Jailed.

Whilst the bee was in Jail stuck in its jar with no air holes , it died.

Guard commander called out duty medic, ROS, ROO, etc...

Bee was pronouced dead by duty medic.

Followed by all the paper work that went with some one dieing under custody.

This was then presented to the RSM

Like i said i heard this story a while ago but i have never seen the incident book it came from, so maybe this is just another Urban Myth, unless anyone can back this up.


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
V it warms the cockles of ones heart to know the boys in blue are so diligent in their duty. :lol:
Dec 25th 1994, 0030.

I received a phone call from a Mrs XYZ, wife of Sgt XYZ. She reported that she had seen a rather portly gentlemen, in a red suit, messing around on some nearby roofs shouting hoo hoo hoo. Mrs XYZ sounded drunk over the telephone. I told her I would investigate further. I beleived Mrs XYZ to be playing a prank so no further action was taken.

RSM turns up first day back from leave, COs Pde with a broken arm. No further action was taken.

Sir at tdg ( i can't remember) cpl xxxx (he's on his foremans course now) reported he had tripped over a badger on the way home and injured his leg. I asked to see it and he pointed out he had no pants on. I persuaded him to show me the injury and after pointing out it looked like a penis just smaller. I told him there was nothing really to worry about and report to nursey in the morning if he still felt like a big girl.

Actually in the guard room accident book rather than occurance book but still made me p*ss myself.
Surely a thread about occurence books has the potential to go 'gold'

I recall the best part about any duty in any guardroom was the perusing of the camp comedians descriptions of mundane daily events.

I always found it better if you were visiting another unit or if jiffed / spammed for duty while on a course, you were almost duty bound to make your entries as elaborate, descriptive and unbelievable as possible.

Shame I can't recall any :D
Not from the same occurrence book as you guys but made me laugh none the less.

Coming on duty to HMP Fluffy, walking into the office- i picked up the daily unit briefing sheet and started reading the previous days incidents.

Most of these were pretty dull. However- one caught my eye.
At 2300, prisoner XXXXX rang cell call bell- upon talking to said prisoner, it became apparent that he was in a substantial amount of pain. Asking him what the matter was, he said- well guv- it's like this...
I was getting a bit excited wathing channel 5 porn and decided to bash one out- got a bit carried away and have ripped my foreskin.
10 minutes later prisoner XXXXX in ambulance to A&E to repair said maladie. Nothing else to report.

Who said cons cant be funny?!?!?
Of a similar type is an entry onto the NIREP many years ago:

Pte XXX who was carrying a lot of weight and extra "bleep bleep" type gear was crossing a barbed wire fence when he slipped and dropped onto the fence. His entire weight plus that off all his kit was propped up on a single barb on the fence by a solitary testicle.

The NIREP entry read:

Pte XXX helivac'd from C/S XXX - snagged testicle on barbed wire fence.

The entry itself was not too sensational but the distribution of the NIREP made him a celebrity overnight. I believe he was even given a framed NIREP to remind him of that event.
Another gem from the DUBS is ...

At 1435, Prisoner XXXX viciously assaulted officer XXXX with a bowl of co-co pops. Officer sent home to change shirt. Prisoner made to clean up mess. Nothing else to report


At, or about, 2130 hrs in the P********, Gnr X took out his appendage and slapped it on the bar.

He then asked the Manageress, in a confident and soldier like manner, what she thought of that, then?

The Manageress demonstrated her immediate feelings by the sharp application of a Newcastle Brown Ale bottle to the offending appendage.

Manageress has made formal complaint.

Orderly Sergeant informed, Gnr X Warned for Office.

Sir, I have.......
02:00. Member of the GCP arrived at the Guardroom and requested assistance with “unruly soldiers” in “The Church” public house xxxxxxxStrasse.

02:05 Despatched NCO IC Marching Relief Lcpl xxx and 4 members of the Guard to accompany the GCP to the public house. ROS and ROO informed.

02:30 Nco IC Marching Relief Lcpl xxx reported back to me stating “There was no-one there. They must all have done a runner when they saw the cops”

02:35 GCP thanked us for the assistance and left the barracks.
General protection error: failure = array

No it didn't. :!:


Book Reviewer
Alleged Story but good all the same:

2 PARA Gd Rm, Millenium New Year's Eve.

Telephone rings:

"2 PARA Guard Room Cpl X speaking, sir."

"Do you like bananas?"

Cpl X: " Eh, foock off, w@nker!"

Telephone rings 10 mins later, same thing happens, process repeats until 0010 hrs 1 Jan 2000.

Cpl X: "2 PARA Guard Room Cpl X speaking, sir. And if you ask if I like fooking bananas I will find you, arrrse rape you then kill you."

Amusing Joker: "Hello, I am Brigadier Smedley, my quarter is just behind your camp so I thought you would be the best people to speak to..."

Cpl X: Flapping "Oh, yes, oh yes sir, what is wrong sir?"

Amusing Joker: "Someone has broken into my house and we have just got back, but the problem is, it appears that not much has been stolen."

Cpl X scribbling furiously: " Yes sir, can I have your name and what has been stolen as well as your address?"

Amusing Joker: " Stolen you say, thats the strange thing... It appears only my bananas have gone...." joker then breaks out into laughter.

Cpl X: "You fooking w@nker, cooooont, etc, etc"

Amusing Joker: "happy New Year!" and hangs up.

XX Nov 1981. 15:30

Guard commander ask to attend MoD Police lodge on Hoarwithy Road.

On Arrival introduced to Mr A**** C******** of the British Hedgehog Preservation Society. Mr C****** found in the Police Sgts office on his second cup of tea. Police expalins that he has been invited down to do some training this weekend by a Maj Brown in the SAS.

MDP have been trying the officer's mess all afternoon and the switchboard have no record of a Maj Brown. Gd Comd asks C***** some check questions and rapidly establishes that Maj Brown and SUBJECT has met in a pub in Malvern 2 weeks ago, where Brown's kind invitation was extended to SUBJECT.

After establishing that SUBJECT had wasted 2 hours of MDP time, and 5 minutes of mine, he is invited to leave. He then explains he has no bus fare to get back to Malvern. Plod then offers to run him over there!!


Gd Comd now becomes undiplomatic and explains to Plod that the MTO will not sanction such use of their Chevette estate, and shows their Hedgehog loving friend the door.

As he leaves, he finally asks if he could use our secret phone to call Prince Charles at Highgrove. Sadly explain that our secret phone is broken, and kindly ring ahead to arrange for him to us the one in the local police station.

Pall-urd-inn closed at 2am
Sir, at the time and date stated the Sentry at the C/S *** contacted the Guard Commander. Pte ‘Bloke’ requested permission to engage the wild dogs that were attacking him at his location, as he was in fear for his life, and had locked himself in the sangar. Pte Bloke was then warned for being soft, and received a barrage of p1ss taking from the remainder of the Guard. Nothing further to report.

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