Having recently travelled the length of the country and dabbled in some banter on North/South threads I got to thinking about some of the awful places that make up the UK. Of course we have some rather lovely places as well (even in Buckfastshire, Trogdonia and Northern Bogland). But we have some strange, unsavoury and weird places to boot. So ... what unsavoury places that should be avoided are close to your home? I start with somewhere not too distant to Hill K13 and sat on the pleasant waters of the Thames Estuary. The Isle of Sheppey is a wart on the NE coast of Kentistan and sits between Whitstable and Grain. It has an area of 36 square miles and it's name is derived from the ancient Saxon "Sceapige" meaning isle of sheep. Made of mud, the residents on Sheppey are known as "Swampies" or, more commonly, thieving pikey b@stards. The gene pool here is so shallow that it dates back to the primordial ooze. To get to this island paradise you need to take the A249 across a bridge and onto the swamp that is the Isle of Sheppey. The moment that you cross this bridge there is a sense of foreboding. A sixth sense will trigger the hackles on your neck and you will automatically find yourself locking the car doors. There is also the all pervading smells of mud, rotting vegetation, oil and petrol. You should proceed with caution but not be tempted to slow down; locals here are able to remove the wheels from a moving car. After driving across some marshland (what we know as "no mans land") You will see ramshackle houses where property extensions are achieved by parking a caravan adjacent and abandoned cars are used to enhance the properties appearance. Properties here generally have livestock fences surrounding them; this is not to keep livestock out of gardens, but to prevent shoeless, feral children from entering the marshes and inflicting bite wounds on the local ponies. There are three places of interest on Sheppey; first there is the RSPB reserve along the Swale. This is a dangerous area for unsuspecting visitors as it sits on marshland where car loads of twitchers can be disposed of quickly in the depthless mire. The second place is Sheerness and the ferry terminal; do not place your trust in staff here as they too are robbers. In the summer hundreds of burberry clad visitors go to Sheerness to bathe in the waters of the Thames and take part in the evening rituals of "glassing that geezer wot looked at me burds t!ts". Until the early hours of the morning there is much partaking of Stella in the town culminating in parades of muffin tops. The third place of interest is Leysdown-on-sea. Here you will find huge, hairy people who habitually strip off their burberry and parade in their naked glory on one of Kentistans traditional nudist beaches. With wrinkled leathery skin they roll like stranded elephant seals on the very edge of the brown waters. As evening settles in they reclad and leave the beach where those interested in dogging decend on the area to offer their bleached blonde and overweight burds to those who might turn up with a p!ss stained mattress in the back of a rusty white Astra van. IF you do visit Sheppey do not, under any circumstances, be tempted to stay after dusk. Get off the island and back to the relative safety of mainland Kentistan. Be warned!