Unorthodox Lullaby

#1
I was tucking my little girl up in bed last night. Part of the routine is that I sing her a couple of songs before giving her a little drink of water and saying goodnight. The songs of choice for the last few months have been 'Baa Baa Black Sheep' 'Sing a song of sixpence' and 'Go to sleep' which she's been more than satisfied with.

She caught me on the hop last night, by demanding a new song. I tried to fob her off with another nursery rhyme but she started getting annoyed. Things are tight in our house. With four bambini under the age of seven, having one kick off at just the wrong time can get them all going, so I had to think fast, before she really went into one.

What did I come up with? What did years of thinking on my feet produce out of my finely tuned napper.

'Snooker Loopy' by Chaz and Dave!!!

I tentatively opened up with the chorus, realised I had her rapt attention and continued with a full, cockney, thumbs in imaginary braces rendition of the popular classic. She bl-oody loved it. My wife, who's worked as a promoter in the music industry since she left uni, stared on in horror as I pumped it out, with my right foot stamping the beat and my top half swaying from side to side. The only tricky bit was remembering the ball order for the fast speech chorus,

"Pot the red and screw back, for the yellow, green, brown, blue, pink and black"

It's a challenging line, on the same level as "Down in the tube station at midnight."

"Again, again!!" came the cry from my daughter, when i'd finished. By the time i'd knocked it out three times, I had her joining in. On the last line,

"Snooker Loopy nuts are we, we're all snooker ......." I'd point to her and she'd shout in her best Dick van Dyke accent,

"LOOPY"

Do any other ARRSERS use unorthodox means to get their kids to bed? You know what I mean. You love 'em and all that, but theres a big glass of wine waiting downstairs. I'd dance on a fcuking biscuit tin, if they'd just go to fcuking sleep.
 
#2
I've also got four of the little demons and have been known to belt out some Dick Van Dyke classics- Chim,Chimerney and not forgetting the footstomping Bamboo song fom Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Then kids love it- the missus thinks I've finally gone loopy. :oops: Still, better than dosing them up with Medised exta-drowsy.
 
#3
Try them with the "very model of a modern major general" - as it will help them with their diction. Once they master the words, use the same tune for Tom Lehrer's periodic table song, that'll help with their chemistry.


Or any of the animal songs by Flanders & Swann. If you're from the celtic fringe teach them "the English, the English, the English are best" - that'll help them too.
 
#4
whiffler said:
......... "the English, the English, the English are best"
"I wouldn't give tuppene for all of the rest"

Used to get that one off my dad way back when :lol:

With my first, favourites included "Tit Willow" and "There is Nothing Like A Dame". Still got a tape somewhere of him singng that one aged about 2 1/2. 8)
 
#5
I too go for the Chaz and Dave effect with my boy. However with him being a lad I go for a more manly song than 'snooker loopy'. So every night (if the wind is in the right direction) you might just catch my rendition of 'GERTCHA' drifting on the breeze.

Although when I am in full flow it normally comes out as 'OOAJAR' like some escaped mong.
The boy's favourite part is the verse about Rommel's armoured divisions advancing on the old man's position, then turning tail and running when they hear 'GERTCHA' coming from the owld fellas shell scrape.
The only problem is that this get's him a bit rhino and he starts jumping up and down in his cot. So to calm him down I normally do a rendition of 'Since you've been gone' by rainbow. He normally tires himself out with air guitaring and I just tuck him in and go downstairs to put a lump on the wife.
It's not my fault, it's all that cockenese sing song stuff getting me in the mood for some domestic violence.
 
#6
Little Jack H said:
whiffler said:
......... "the English, the English, the English are best"
"I wouldn't give tuppene for all of the rest"

Used to get that one off my dad way back when :lol:

With my first, favourites included "Tit Willow" and "There is Nothing Like A Dame". Still got a tape somewhere of him singng that one aged about 2 1/2. 8)
Fair play to you mate, for having the dogged persistence to hang around long after you should have gone, but is there any chance you could leave my thread alone?

The thought of you and lullabies in the same sentence is making last nights tikka head upwards.
 
#7
Little Jack H said:
Used to get that one off my dad way back when :lol:

With my first, favourites included "Tit Willow" and "There is Nothing Like A Dame". Still got a tape somewhere of him singng that one aged about 2 1/2. 8)
Really??? I thought according to you there might be something better! ;-)

And as for you gettting it off your Dad...... 8O :? :lol:


Sorry convoy I couldn't resist!!

Co ck-errr-nee songs are always the best, more so when they come from Mary Poppins! I used to get sung 'feed the birds' by the hired help, although I think it was her way of subtly asking for 2p more in her annual wage ;-) Can't get the sodding staff...

Although I do remember a very very rude renditions of rugby clubs songs from my Dad when he was guinness-ed up, come to think of it I think that's how I learnt to swear.... :D
*sings* "she was only the fishmongers daughter, she lay on the slab and said fill it...."
 
#8
the_rigger said:
I too go for the Chaz and Dave effect with my boy. However with him being a lad I go for a more manly song than 'snooker loopy'. So every night (if the wind is in the right direction) you might just catch my rendition of 'GERTCHA' drifting on the breeze.

Although when I am in full flow it normally comes out as 'OOAJAR' like some escaped mong.
The boy's favourite part is the verse about Rommel's armoured divisions advancing on the old man's position, then turning tail and running when they hear 'GERTCHA' coming from the owld fellas shell scrape.
The only problem is that this get's him a bit rhino and he starts jumping up and down in his cot. So to calm him down I normally do a rendition of 'Since you've been gone' by rainbow. He normally tires himself out with air guitaring and I just tuck him in and go downstairs to put a lump on the wife.
It's not my fault, it's all that cockenese sing song stuff getting me in the mood for some domestic violence.
My daughter sleeps in the box room at the front of the house. It's only tiny and i've been trying to work out how to squeeze in an 'old joanna' for tonights gig.

Although snooker loopy dates itself with reference to snooker players no longer on the scene, it's plinky-plonky melodies supply ideal 'getting to sleep' tones.

I would consider "Gertcha" to be an altogether different beast, suitable for the early evening when one is preparing oneself to go out for a right old cockney knees up. I always found that gurning in the mirror with each shout of the chorus was a perfect accompaniment to donning my pearly jacket and waistcoat full of watches.

In the interests of getting my daughter to sleep though, I may try a different tune tonight. Unfortunately the 'Bunny bunny yap yap jabber jabber' part of "Rabbit" can only be done as a duet and even then requires rigid discipline to prevent it becoming an East end free for all, with bruises all round for everyone but the Krays.
 
#9
A Jive-bunny stylie remix of new and old Footy chants have been known to get mini-JRH off to sleep when she was younger..



'He's five foot four and he fcuks all night, five foot four and he fcuks all night, five foot four and he fcuks all night, Skip to the Lou Macari'

merging effortlessly into the same tune with..'Who put the ball in the Germans net, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer'

finishing by hanging out of the bedroom window and wailing to random passers-by the allround favourites ' Who ate all the pies' and 'whose the b'stard in the black'?
 
#10
I think gone are the days of soft soothing lullabys....... my 5 yr old girl loves to see her mom dance around the bedroom singing the this stupid song she has picked up and taught me! ... probably more than ten times.... I still get "again" "again" I think only because she enjoys watching me dancing around the bedroom!! Its ok unless you have got friends around at the time !!

Stand Back Superman, Iceman, Spiderman
Batman and Robin tooooooooooo
You want to cause a ruckus with BA Barracus
Then I've got news for youuuuuuuuu

When i sing it, I have to make sure that the curtains are closed because the dance movements are something else !!

As you say Convoy, anything that will get them off to sleep
 
#11
babyblue said:
I think gone are the days of soft soothing lullabys....... my 5 yr old girl loves to see her mom dance around the bedroom singing the this stupid song she has picked up and taught me! ... probably more than ten times.... I still get "again" "again" I think only because she enjoys watching me dancing around the bedroom!! Its ok unless you have got friends around at the time !!

Stand Back Superman, Iceman, Spiderman
Batman and Robin tooooooooooo
You want to cause a ruckus with BA Barracus
Then I've got news for youuuuuuuuu

When i sing it, I have to make sure that the curtains are closed because the dance movements are something else !!

As you say Convoy, anything that will get them off to sleep
Isn't that the tune to Supergran ?
 
#12
What the hell is wrong with

"get to bed ya wee shite or I'll put my toe up your arse"

Works for me every time.
 
#13
JRHartley said:
babyblue said:
I think gone are the days of soft soothing lullabys....... my 5 yr old girl loves to see her mom dance around the bedroom singing the this stupid song she has picked up and taught me! ... probably more than ten times.... I still get "again" "again" I think only because she enjoys watching me dancing around the bedroom!! Its ok unless you have got friends around at the time !!

Stand Back Superman, Iceman, Spiderman
Batman and Robin tooooooooooo
You want to cause a ruckus with BA Barracus
Then I've got news for youuuuuuuuu

When i sing it, I have to make sure that the curtains are closed because the dance movements are something else !!

As you say Convoy, anything that will get them off to sleep
Isn't that the tune to Supergran ?
Super Gran

Stand back Superman, Iceman, Spiderman, Batman Robin too,
Don't wanna cause a ruckus with B A Barracus have I got a match for you,
She makes them look like a bunch of fairies, got more bottle than united dairies,
Hang about, look out for supergran.

You can stick your heroes, your Robert De Niro's, Al Pacino too,
Lex Galone's just another phoney, couldn't lace her shoes,
After her they're all big girls' blouses, got more front than a row of houses,
Hang about, look out for Supergran.
Sup-Sup Supergran,
She's a serious granny,
Sup-sup Supergran,
a serious granny, she'll do the things that you never saw your granny do ...
is there nothing that she cannot do?

On your bike Wonderwoman, lets just say you had it coming, this one is for real,
Charlies angels pack it in before it gets embarrasing, this lady's solid steel,
She comes on strong like a Bengal lancer, she makes you all look like a bunch of chancers,
Hang about, look out for Supergran.
Sup-sup Supergran,
Hang about, look out for Supergran.
Sup-sup Supergran,
Sup-sup Supergran,
Sup-sup Supergran, To end.


That Babyblue is getting on a bit me thinks!!!
 
#14
convoy_cock said:
Do any other ARRSERS use unorthodox means to get their kids to bed?
I've been tempted on more than one occasion to use a pillow... does that make me bad :D

The other night i sang "This old man, he played one etc etc..." to the nipper. A belter of a song - multi functional - serving as a lullaby and an educational tune helping her to count (that should get Super Nanny creaming her knickers) :D

Except after the fourth time round, of getting all the way through too 10 where "he played knick knack all over again" I started to see a floor in the song... because she laid the looking back up at me as if to say "Well go on then" :?

So off i started "this old man, he played one" but as her eyelids started to get heavy I couldn’t help slipping a few of my own lyrics in..

"...he played one, he placed his slack crack on my tongue, with a knick knack paddy whack smoke the dogs bone..."

Im curious to find out what nursery say when I collect her tonight. Her last rendition of "Hey diddle diddle the cat had a fiddle,
the cow burnt up on re-entry" didn’t go down to well at their last sing-song.
 
#15
My yougest sons vertion of Baa Baa Black, as taught by his older brother and sung his first day in primary school....

Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Course I have You Stupid Fool!
If I've not I'd like to know,
What's this sh*t from my head to my toe?

That'll be my card marked then!

Beebs :roll:
 
#16
Try this: Humpty Dumpty fcuked a whore,
Humpty Dumpty came on the floor.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Turned the whore over and fcuked her again.

Hope this helps.
 
#17
BolIocks to all this poncing around - a couple of nips of cheap and cheerful grade scotch and they will be out for the count in no time.
 
#20
I've never had to sing lullabys to kids although, due to the emminently sensible Rehabilitation of Offenders act, there's no legal reason why I can't anymore. I have nearly induced two heavily pregnant women into early (and probably tragic) labour by dancing like a cockney. I think I told this story before, so apologies - the more 'stability' my life seems to acquire, the less interesting stories I have. Have I told you the one about Michelle the barmaid...?

Anyway, I was at a very nice wedding in a beautiful stately home, it was in the summer and everyone was drunk and having a great time together and I imagine it was very much like the free-loving sixties, although everyone was much better dressed and no one was stoned enough to sleep with me. Partway through the night I find myself in a group of friends in one of the drawing rooms of this big old house. When I drink, it's very much like an episode of Quantum Leap. One minute I'll be discussing the issues of the day and offering witticisms over cheese and biscuits, the next there's this big electric blue flash and I'll find I'm in a room full of strangers, wearing a dress and facing a madman weilding a chair above his head.

In this instance, one minute I'm talking about how lovely Stow-on-the-Wold is (it is!), there's this blue flash and then I find myself up a chimney. No Duff - properly up a chimney.

From what I can peice together with my alcoholic swiss-cheese memory, the group I was talking to went outside to wave the bride and groom off on their honeymoon. I never go to that bit because

a) it's pretty much the last of the enjoyable parts of marriage; one brief, drunken squirt (whilst trying not to rip or get anything on her posh dress), then it's moods because she's hungry, moods because she's tired, moods because you don't know why she's in a mood - pretty much one long mood except the times you're buying her something or the times you're shouting at each other. I'm not about to cheer and clap while my mates cosign themselves to that velvetine hell am I?

b) minesweeping aplenty

c) it reminds me that the night is wearing on and my decision not to book any accommodation is starting to make me twitchy as I'm probably the only single person there and I'm pretty positive that I'm the only one playing "Pull, or sleep in a basha made of chairs and tableclothes" with himself.

So, while the group of reformed miscreants and their wives go outside to wave and laugh at the condemned, I've pulled my Blues jacket off and shinned up the chimney of the (doused) fire in the drawing room, awaiting their return. I know the effect I want to achieve when they come back in to sit down (and talk about how fat such and such looks in that dress and how embarrassing it is that such and such's husband is so drunk and loud) so I jam myself in place and start smearing soot on my face.

They walk in, make that tired ooooh sound that people do at the end of a long day and plonk themselves in the big sofas by the fire. Supressing giggles, I try to work out how to crawl back down the chimney, decide "fuck it" instead and simply disengage all points of contact with the chimney flue and stick my feet and knees together. I'm a good 15 feet up.

The SAS enter rooms with less fanfare. A shockwave of soot turns the room into twighlight and I step through a curtain of smog to see all my mates agape in terror. 9-11 was still fresh in many minds at this point and looking back I should have shouted "Jihaaaaad!" at the top of my lungs and sent them running in terror.

Instead I stand there briefly in Officer's Undress No1: white colourless duelling shirt, tight cavalry trousers with bright red braces, patent leather wellington boots (I think I'd removed the spurs) and a caddish smile. With my audience still stunned to silence, I slide my thumbs behind my braces and say: "Hallo Mary Poppins!"

Timing is key, I dance around the room singing Step in Time a la Dick Van Dyke

By this stage I'm laughing more than anyone else, but two of my mates are looking more concerned as they bend to their prostrate (and heavy with child) wives who are laughing their little pot bellies off. One thought briefly that her waters had broken, but it was just chardonnay.
 
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