unnecessarily accidents

there was me kissing asphalt tonight

all because of some twat in a one way road which i'm, cycling and all that, am allowed to cycle down... now... i tried to get out of his way and hit the curb, which inconveniently cause me to lose balance, scraping me face along the pavement, knob-end drove passed me giggling...

carried on to pick up my stuff from my girlfriends place (who was a bit shocked by my new facial wounds) and on the way home went to an emergency chemist who gave me all sorts of weird shit. he told me i was all swollen and better go to hospital but i ignored it (what a wuss)

got home to spray the disinfectant on the wound beside my eye. fecking OUCH i might be blind on my right eye tomorrow, he should've warned me. (if i go blind i'll sue him for compo)

so. half my face is missing (not really' i'm lying, just a few blank skinless patches)

please, all you tough arrsers, tell me about your silly accidents and unnecessarily wounds/scars
I am awake at stupid o'clock due to the dull ache from my left ankle. Why? because last week I went on a weekend ( Yes , I am a casual military worker ) doing clinical skills ( I am in a TA field Hospital ). A suprise evacuation of a casualty underfire exercise was the end of the weekend. Having done all the rambo ( as far as a nurse can be Rambo ) stuff I was making a fast exit to the rear, stopped and turned to drop to the floor to give covering fire and pop, pop, twist and I am looking at the sole of my boot and wondering why I am unable to get off my back....The realisation that I have just broken my ankle and am now wearing it at a jaunty angle was offset by the fact that my unit hierarchy were all looking at me writhing on the ground moaning about having to cancel a holiday to Centre Parks ( starting the next day ) inbetween waves of nausea and pain. Fortunately as the swelling increased my pain decreased and I was now the reallife casualty. Its funny just how wobbly a stretcher is when its you that laying on it!

So there I am laying on a stretcher in Strensall awaiting an ambulance and waiting and waiting.....eventually a paramedic arrived with entonox and the process of reducing the dislocation could take place. The strangest pain as my foot was pulled back into place and the relief when it was! I am now plated, pinned and screwed together and off my foot for 8 weeks then possibly another 4 weeks....Hopefully will be fit enough to deploy in October as per pre fracture plan....
So as you we're on a field hospital exercise... couldn't you have got it fixed on the spot? Bit of added realism to the exercise :)
During a kit check in Bessbrook,one of the lads in my team was asked to show his med pack. Only for him to go into his bergan and pull it out complete with scalpel sticking into his hand,resulting in lots of blood and him requiring stitches.
Andy,you're the only guy I've ever met that got injured by his own medical pack.
Ah have spent many a fun afternoon in A&E......my most impressive though would have to be the skating in wooly socks on polished floor incident which found me gracefully putting my head through a glass top table for my grand finale. Attempting to clean off the claret with a wet towel only to find part of my lip and cheek were now detached from the rest of my face. Covered in claret at this point...... facial injuries dont half bleed. Hopped in the car and drove myself to A&E to be stitched up. Was actually seen quite quickly, none of this sitting in the waiting room lark when you look like a victim from a cheap slasher movie, but did have to wait a bit for the plastic surgeon to arrive to patch me up, four hours of stitching and incredibly painful and foul tasting local anaesthetic injections later and was all sorted. Do have a scar but not obviously noticeable quality repair job! :D


Book Reviewer
Never cycle home down a steep country lane at 11pm, with no lights, half pished. Scarred for life I am, scarred for life! Nearly cost me a holiday to Ex. Potent Gauntlet (Soggy Mitten) in 1989 too it did, what with me face being all bandaged up.
Climbed the scaffolding of a girls house that was being done up, skillfully wormed my way to just underneath her window ledge (she was a grotbag so it was a dead cert for entry) and I gloriously slipped, hitting cheekbone on scaffold sleeve nut, ribs on bar below then creamed in a metre left of the soft accomodating grass onto the tarmac splitting my bonce open and virtually cracking a shinbone, try explaining that to the badge when your due out on Grand Prix the next day ! :D
Proper_Gander said:
all because of some t**t in a one way road which i'm, cycling and all that, am allowed to cycle down... now... i tried to get out of his way and hit the curb, which inconveniently cause me to lose balance, scraping me face along the pavement, knob-end drove passed me giggling...
Serves you right for "cycling", you lycra-clad hom.
While helping to build Maggie's Private Airport, I was talikng into my Walky Talky when a passing Bedford MK Mechy Waggon that the company(LMA) had bought as surples, hit a large cable drum which caused it to spin like a top. I hit me in the back throwing me under the back wheels of the said Bedford, eyes still watering, got a nice fly in a Seaking though.
Late 90's me stood by the bows with PSI trying to get a bouy line from under the bow of our M2 rig beached up on Hawley hard and not forgetting the metal buoy that seemingly wasn't secured, also NO HARD HAT or battle bowler.

Still nice diversionary tactic to get a visit to MDHU Frimley park! Mit mahhosive lump on head and walking round in circles drooling bif mode due to contusion. I know it must have been hard to tell me from normal. :wink:

I decided to transfered out of being a Amph Eng shortly after that to the safety of RRTT with another unit, M2's are ouchy and hate me. 8O
Biped said:
Never cycle home down a steep country lane at 11pm, with no lights, half pished. Scarred for life I am, scarred for life! Nearly cost me a holiday to Ex. Potent Gauntlet (Soggy Mitten) in 1989 too it did, what with me face being all bandaged up.
Can relate to that Portsdown Hill down towards Cosham about the same year.

16.00hrs after Dinner time sesh in HMS Dryad.

Feet clipped into pedals, hit kerb, do not remember anything till later that night when I was taken by wife to A & E after she came home to find this bloody mess asleep on the sofa.

I was seen about 16.30 by friend who was on a passing bus, face covered in the red stuff pushing broken treader towards home.

Bikes and alcohol do not mix
Another cycling accident.

Mountain biking 3 years ago, near Afon Argoed in S.Wales.
Came down the Black Run fine, went into the last bend on two wheels, came out like Superman flying through the air.
Hit the ground like a sack of spuds (didn't bounce, just crumpled into the ground according to my mates watching.)
My mates helped me up onto my feet, but I couldn't move my right arm.
No worries, I'd probably just badly bruised it or something, thinks I.
Anyway I can't continue the ride, so my mates give me the van keys, & tell me to make my way back to the van at the bottom of the mountain, whilst they carry on.
I get on my bike to ride one handed (still can't move my right arm) down the fire track when a Land Rover pulls up & offers me a ride down.
Excellent, didn't really fancy a long ride down with only one useable arm.

Anyway long story short, I go into shock in the Land Rover, he calls an ambulance, & I end up in hospital as the lack of movement in my arm was due to the ball socket in my shoulder being in 3 parts, & my upper arm bone being detached from the ball joint.
1 week in hospital, 1 operation, 2 pins holding my shoulder together, & a BFO scar on my shoulder (it's now due to a shark attack if any women ask).
I'd only been in my new job 1 week, had 2 weeks off (this includes the week in hospital) on the sick unpaid.

Cycling is not good for you. Thats why cars were invented.
Mountain bikeing on Taf Trail went into a dark under pass not noticing that there was a gate and a warning sign, (the gate had been left open,and the sign showed that there was a flight of steps,) the Ambulance crew were very nice and even took my smashed up bike to A&E with me


Magnum Ice rink in Irvine Circa 1981, skating around when a girl behind me lost her balance and grabbed me and pulled me down with her.
Only problem was that the front of one of her skates , with the serrated toe pick went right up my jacksie and fractured my tail bone. This meant me going to hospital face down on an Ambulance and 3 weeks off school , which gave my Father a good laugh when he called the schol to explain my absence.
I smashed my kneecap on exercise but that was nothig compared to an ice skate up my arrse.
Knocked a guy straight off his Muddy Fox years ago in Wallisdown as he cycled out of the local Devon and Donuts T.A. centre and straight into the road I was happily motoring on, stupid c*nt had a walkman stuck to his ears and fecking big bottle top glasses on, I didnt cry....cyclists are like pigeons, you have to keep their numbers down or there is sh*t all over the road :)
Many moons ago, I was on a caravan holiday. My dad stopped to let me out and open the gate so we could drive in. Gate opened and closed behind and I thought rather than get back in the Marina, I'd sit on the boot while we drove to the next gate.

The Morris goes over a wheel rut and I slipped off the back of the car and under the caravan, which then ran me over.

Serves me right for being a pikey.
Many, many tears ago when I was just a babe there was a cart track down a big hill near my house. It was a warm summers eve and me and my mate went for a ride in just shorts, (not even shoes). We got going down the hill and reached a good speed when my bike slid into a nice big rut. I was thrown over the handle bars and into the verge at the side of the track. Nice soft landing, no injury whatsoever... But by fuck it hurt... Stinging Nettles... Not the soft type either... Those vicious ones with the big, stiff leaves and spines not hairs... I was leaping around in the middle of the track yelling for my mate to get me Dock Leaves as he rolls around laughing his arse off...

I got home to have my entire family laugh their arses off too because I was all "lumpy"... Luckily the lumps had all gone down by the next day... but i was still mildly tingling two days later...
I watched a fat man in denim shorts and an Everton hat pushing a caravan into its footings using both hands on the rear pane of glass, it duly popped reducing his forearms and palms to the consistency of a split melon, I am pretty sure that had it happened now I would have been useful in the immediate aftermath of crying kids and a wild eyed fatty running round in circles shouting "SHEILA!! SHEILA!!"........but I was 11........and eating an ice cream
I was once hospitalised by sheep shit. Yes, you've heard that right - sheep shit.

On an advance to contact I'd just slogged my way up one of Otterburn's finest offerings when a position the umpires had earlier ruled 'dead' decided that no, they actually weren't and opened fire on us.

With cat-like reflexes, Carrots sprints forward to cover, puts his foot in a drop of grease-like ram's droppings, skates forward two feet only for toes to plonk neatly into a rabbit hole.

Cue nigh on 22 stone of body, CBA, weapons, ammo, radios, kitchen sinks, etc. descending on the wayward foot.

Otterburn. Where even the crap can kick the crap out of you.
Before my current job, I used to work (use that term loosely) in a warehouse.
Where as now I surf the net all day, there, I had to utilise my time differently.
So after getting bored of hitting golf balls down the warehouse aisles, we decided to throw a dog chewed American football (looks like a dinky rugby ball for the uninitiated) around.
Cue me trying to catch the damn thing with one hand, which resulted in a broken finger, my little one on the left hand to be exact.
Trip to hospital, 1 operation under general aneasthetic (sp?) later, & I have a permanent bent little finger.
The middle knuckle had disintergrated, leaving the surgeon with no choice but to fuse the bones together in half clenched look.
I can now imitate Dr.Evil from the Austin Powers films excellently, & when I have a drink in my left hand it looks like I'm holding my pinky out.
Not so bad if I'm drinking Pimms, but I look like a right quener with a pint.
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