Unidentified Drinking Injuries

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by jack-daniels, May 9, 2010.

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  1. UDI's.....the blight of the modern drinking man or woman.

    Mrs JD gone away for the weekend so I bimble out and have a sesh only to wake up this morning with blood all over the pillow and sheets, my knuckles are scuffed to fuck somehow...now I know I didn't have a fight or anything so I venture downstairs to find a scene in the kitchen that can only be described as the retreat from Moscow with blood up the units and everywhere, half eaten scoff on the side, fridge open and merrily defrosting.
    It was my own mini version of that film 'The Hangover'.
    Haven't a clue what happened and no flashbacks as of yet.
    Anyone else care to venture their UDI escapades?

    If anyone saw me last night on the way home please help me fill in the massive blanks!!
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  2. I once got home from the lash and decided with a mate that some cheesy chips would be nice. Started grating the cheese, except forgot to stop grating when there was no cheese left...... cue fucked fingers, and blood all over the cheesy chips.

    We still ate them though.
  3. The lost weekend,I came to in Cologne once, with the ugliest bird in history and all my pockets full of woodshavings, on a Monday morning,AWOL. Still dont know how I got there, last thing I remember was going for a drink in Mulheim at the Educationd centre on Friday night, my Urban E&E skills came to my rescue
  4. Tattoo's, story my Dad told me of an Uncle who (as a Para in Hong Kong) went out for a quiet pint :twisted: with a couple of mate's.
    Now, this being the 60/70's, bar had an ex USMC newly de-mobbed from The 'Nam giving his opinion of how great America was and how great their Armed Forces were :roll:
    So they quietly let him get pissed even buying him a few ale's for his stories, fast forward a couple of hours where Jarhead has lost conciousness, devious Uncle and friends take him down to Tattooist and ask for a Union Jack on his arm! :lol: :lol: :lol:
  5. Although I did once wake up with a broken rib, I think my greater worry was always my loss of dignity. This was of greatest concern about 15 years ago, on a February night ..... the coldest night of that winter. I had had a couple of shandies that evening (at home?) and may or may not have recalled going up to bed?

    Next thing I know is that I find myself stood stark bollock (or its female equivalent?) naked on my front doorstep, looking at my locked front door. I think it was around 3 a.m. and I lived in a densely populated street. There was only my teenage (wouldn't-wake-if-a-bomb-dropped) daughter asleep upstairs in the house. I had to shout through the letter-box to my daughter ..... loud enough to wake her :omfg: , but try not to wake any of my only-a-couple-of-yards-away neighbours. Fortuitously, it seemed to work. 8O ......

    ..... but, to this day, it worries me to think that have might have been ANYWHERE!!! naked!!!! ....... or, maybe ..... hopefully.... the door shutting behind me, on leaving the house, brought me round.
  6. Too late, you voted Labour! ;)
  7. Pah!! That's nothing. I've stood as a Labour candidate in a local election, when 8 months pregnant ........ with all the other candidates and officials pointing at my rosette and then my bump and sniggering "Labour". Geddit?

    (Not to mention their worry of what the procedure would be, if my waters broke, and I had to remain locked in "the count" for its duration.)
  8. At home on leave down the pub for a session. Waking up in the morning to hear my dad saying to my brother, "go and brush your teeth son and don't take any notice of your brother lying asleep in the bath". Happened on quite a few occasions.

    A session in the NAAFI bar at Akrotiri and then on to a local restaurant and knocking back a couple of bottles of free cheap plonk on top of everything else without actually eating anything. Waking up at 5 in the morning in the middle of nowhere and having to knock at someones house and ask where I was. I could have murdered someone that night and to this day, I wouldn't know.

    Getting out of my pit on a sunday morning and on the way out of the lines, noticing someone had chucked several cheeseburgers up at the ceiling trying to make them stick there. When I commented what dirty twat did that, being informed it was actually me.

    They were some of the less embarrassing events.

    Good times!
  9. A common cause of UDI is the Kebab Carry. Many carry their Kebab in an underarm sling carry where the arm is fully extended and the hand cupped inwardly round the kebab. This stance almost invariably causes the carrier to lean forward at the waist. Because of the effect of alcohol on musculo-skeletal co-ordination equilibrium is often lost and the carrier staggers forward with the carrying hand dragging along the road. The amount of pain caused will eventually send a message to the brain and the carrier will than move the kebab to his other hand and start the process all over again.
    Plus, of course, one should bear in mind kebab skirmishing. Kebab queues are dangerous places often peopled by the gobby supported by the vacuous female. Gobby starts loudly on about paras/soldiers/hats/wogs etc etc so you feel obliged to tell him to shutthefuckup at which point brainless bimbo will start propelling him towards you until he has received the right amount of education or Johhny Turk has come round the counter with those wickedly sharp 3' kebab knives to ensure peace is restored without loss of kebab sales. Couple kebab skirmishing with the kebab carry and you usually find a deal of dried blood and residual pain upon waking the next day. Often the kebab will have been either consumed en route or left as a car bonnet decoration so the immediate cause of injury is not always apparent.

    JD unfortunately these injuries become more common as you get older as the memory fails you, welcome to my world.
  10. Once got seriously pished up in a neighbouring town on a Sunday afternoon.
    Normally under those circumstances I would ride the motorbike home along the beach instead of the road
    (yes I know its not big and not clever but it is a lot of years ago and not as taboo as it is now)
    Unfortunatley on this particular Sunday the tide was in and pretty high so I decided to try using the railway instead for the first part of the journey.
    Riding a 650 Yamaha along railway lines isn't easy and pretty much impossible with drink onboard, could barely move for a week.
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  11. Loss of dignity, My arrse, slept in a stable,got chased through Straight Street in Malta by a naked Trans-sexual,wearing only my skiddies,eat almost every daffodil in the Gay bars in Kirke stratte in Amsterdam, it was St David's day,flooded many hotel rooms after blocking the sink with puke, the list goes on and on. Only last weekend sang in a Gay bar in Cardiff,pissed, it was my birthday,
  12. But did you get a shag?
  13. JD, seeing as you announced your departure from home to the 1805 Battle last night quite early, none of your symptoms surprise me....

    ....bearing in mind that in 1991 after a night in there I woke up with a French Flag tattooed to my right shoulder blade. i had just done my french wings tbf.
  14. And how, pray tell, did the naked transexual come to be wearing your skiddies :?

    Ah yes, UDIs. [Said in the tone of J R Hartley when he finds his book for sale.] Nothing major I'm afraid - carpet burns, the clap, and grazed knuckles and elbows mostly; but plenty of identified drinking injuries including a 6" scar.

    Out of interest, was UDI a solely 5AB and Rhodesian abreviation, or was it a general term in the Army or Military?
  15. I always check for the bouncer thumb print you inevietably receive when being ejected from an establishment.

    Can be found bilateraly on each of the inner biceps

    I always seem to have longitudinal scuffs on the toes of my boots suggesting I have been dragging my feet rather badly

    Try matching up you UDIs with oppos. I awoke post stag night honk up in Newquay to find my nose well broken, my oppo, former army now matelot woke to find his right hand the size of a water melon. We put two and two together and went down the pub to get day two underway, no hard feelings