Unhelpful tips for flood victims

#1
Anyone got any great tips for getting rid of water?

On the way into work, I did think that in this day and age of technology, it should be possible to bury a big baloon under Gloucestershire... attach it to a politicians mouth or arrse and raise the county by a few meters...

... this however could result in a tidal wave that would knock out the brave tireless MoD workers in Bristol or Bath.

So... other means of shifting water required.
 
#2
Was working on a flood site the other day, stood with the assembled residents of 3 cottages with a few inches of sewerage/water washing through the ground floors when my 'helpful' colleague returned and piped up.

Mr Helpful: 'I've just come from xxxxx, they're under about 3 feet there, this is nothing!'

3 hours of trying to be supportive and hearts and minds effort down the toilet.
 
#3
"Well Mr Smith, we are very overstretched at the moment. Here's a straw. Good luck!"
 
#4
Don't build housing estates on flood plains? Oh bugger, too late.

All we need is for the huge water corporations to waste water hand over fist through leaking pipes. They can then refill their reservoirs with the flood water and charge Joe Public a fortune for the water they've already mopped out of their living room.

What's the odds on a hose pipe ban next year?
 
#5
Elton John had some really good shoes in the film "Tommy" any flood victim would be glad of a pair of Eltons 3 foot high platforms.

Come on Elton, you old puff, get your shoes out!
 
#7
I really can't understand people being so bloody ungrateful , they now have huge swimming pools and boating lakes and still they aren't satisfied
 
#9
Really some people...all they do is complain! If it isn't flooding its the hose-pipe ban! Make your minds up!!!!
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#11
Very large sheets of blotting paper.

Or, big rolls of that 'Bounty' paper that those two really hot birds advertise on tv.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#13
BaldricksBullet said:
Not another blot on the landscape!
Boom boom!
 
#14
Sandbags only prolong the suspense. Put them to better use forming a revetment from which to repel the hordes of post-flood looters a la Zulu.
 
#16
Avoid the heartache of having your home flooded, by simply filling your house with fullers earth in advance of any rainy weather.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#17
Very large heating elements, plugged into mains, then water will boil, and we could all have large cups of tea!
 
#18
Why have councils been burying emptied water & coke bottles. They should be distributing them for people to store the water in.

Especially useful for people in Hull. Next time they feel they've been neglected by TV companies they can simply pour out the bottles, creating another flood, then use the bottles to show how the council is failing on rubbish collection.
 
B

Bottleosmoke

Guest
#19
Advice is it?

Get some home insurance. It costs around £25 a month. A snip really cosidering a paket of 20 Royals cost nearly a fiver!

Stop bleating about compensation from my tax when its your own fecking fault that your not insured.

Other than that I am quite sympathetic.
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#20
Equipping yourself for the disaster is the first priority!

Trainers are sooo last year. The 'In Crowd' are wearing 'Wellington Boots' this year. Don't delay, buy some today!

Waterwings are the new jacket accessory that everyone on the catwalk will be doing this season too.

Want to clean those carpets? The VAX wet'n'dry is great! You can further improve it's effect by buying a 'generator'.

Puritabs! For those who are 'diet conscious!'
 
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