Unhappy soldier/want out/home life

Caecilius

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
I know I sound a bit silly for a 32 year old man or a bit soft.
I've never personally had to deal with depression, but I've seen it hit some of the most robust people I know so there's nothing soft about it at all. To be honest, it takes balls to admit to others that you're depressed especially when you've only recently joined your unit.

I would concur with others about sticking it out for two years. If it's genuinely destroying you then obviously you should consider leaving, but if you're ok to stick it out for two years then do that and use your time in service to get as many qualifications as you can to sort yourself out for civvy street. Then when you hit the seven clicks (if things haven't improved by then), exploit the resettlement package for all it's worth. Use your ELCs, get advice on writing a CV, take all the courses that the army offers. At least you'll have used your time in uniform to set you and your family up for the rest of your life.
 
If sounds like you went into this with both eyes open. You were keen enough to re-enlist and you’d concluded that it made sense in other regards.
Can you put your finger on anything specific that has caused you to feel this disenfranchised?

I got the impression that you were feeling a bit put upon- not bullied exactly but taken advantage of. It must be difficult for a slightly more mature family man to be pitched in with young guys who will take the piss out of a new guy at every given opportunity.
If this is the case you’ll have a better time if you fight your corner. Don’t be a doormat.
There might be a natural gap, created by your age difference but turn it to your advantage and crack on with pushing for promotion.
I'm doing well at reg to be fair, but I think it's a culmination of a long period in 2 stints basic and phase 2 was long because I cap badge transfered because of the family for a more settled family situation. I think after all of this I'm thinking it's not all what expected it too be. I truly believed the army was going to be proudest moment and sought of my salvation.

my wife belives its good for me and the kid's. I wanted my kids too look at there dad and be proud as I used too be a shift manager at Sainsburys so was never quite proud of what I did. My kids now look at me very differently and tell people what I do. I just would like too feel proud myself but I just have people say too me are you nuts joining at your age etc.

I never had a formal education as I got kicked out at a early age as I wasnt the brightest kid and was the thick git . I was hoping that my hardworking attitude would be looked at well in the army and that my slightly more mature attitude would help but I think they use that for there advantage in the sense I won't complain about shit tasks unlike others.

sorry gents for rambling.
 
The army is always looking for people who will "go the extra mile" i.e. show commitment.
Do that and there is a good chance you will make progress.
It's an organisation that generally rewards effort.

I'm a civvy but I deal with a lot of MOD people including NCOs from Lance Corp to WO1 and officers up to Lt Col. (Equivalent in RAF / Navy).

The NCOs who have made the grade are almost always the ones who put the effort in. From what I know, service is a lot different from basic.

I applaud your attitude in wanting to have your kids look up to you with pride.
 
I've never personally had to deal with depression, but I've seen it hit some of the most robust people I know so there's nothing soft about it at all. To be honest, it takes balls to admit to others that you're depressed especially when you've only recently joined your unit.

I would concur with others about sticking it out for two years. If it's genuinely destroying you then obviously you should consider leaving, but if you're ok to stick it out for two years then do that and use your time in service to get as many qualifications as you can to sort yourself out for civvy street. Then when you hit the seven clicks (if things haven't improved by then), exploit the resettlement package for all it's worth. Use your ELCs, get advice on writing a CV, take all the courses that the army offers. At least you'll have used your time in uniform to set you and your family up for the rest of your life.

... and don’t forget the TA is a good income stream and group of mates after you’re out, too.
 

skid2

LE
Book Reviewer
Plan B. Depression.
It’s not being sad or a little hacked off. It’s a condition which tends to overwhelm the individual and once that, everything else around you.

Talk to someone, get the depression treated, it’s nothing personal. You can get it done in house, times have changed.
You joined an organisation, let it take the strain. Let the outfit do the heavy lifting and once you get it sorted out you can make a decision.
It may well be a much better decision.
Good luck.
 

Troy

LE
I concur with the bit said above, about talking to your wife. You can't just leave her out of the loop in case she thinks the problem is somehow her fault.

Also, she knows you better then we do, what your job is and where you all are and all your other circumstances. So talk to her, and tell her all about it.

Besides, she could have some better ideas than us...
 

overopensights

ADC
Book Reviewer
You seem a decent sort to me and I certainly wish you very good luck, but without wishing to lecture you 'nothing will change unless you change it' even to the extent of some of your thoughts and habits.
Muddy old Engineer gives good advice in his post above.
 

Dwarf

LE
I'm doing well at reg to be fair, but I think it's a culmination of a long period in 2 stints basic and phase 2 was long because I cap badge transfered because of the family for a more settled family situation. I think after all of this I'm thinking it's not all what expected it too be. I truly believed the army was going to be proudest moment and sought of my salvation.

my wife belives its good for me and the kid's. I wanted my kids too look at there dad and be proud as I used too be a shift manager at Sainsburys so was never quite proud of what I did. My kids now look at me very differently and tell people what I do. I just would like too feel proud myself but I just have people say too me are you nuts joining at your age etc.

I never had a formal education as I got kicked out at a early age as I wasnt the brightest kid and was the thick git . I was hoping that my hardworking attitude would be looked at well in the army and that my slightly more mature attitude would help but I think they use that for there advantage in the sense I won't complain about shit tasks unlike others.

sorry gents for rambling.
I think your motives for joining are entirely praiseworthy, and the fact that you are on here asking for serious advice is certainly positive and in your favour. Personally if I was your superior I would consider that you are probably a bonus for the team rather than otherwise and it seems your sergeant agrees from what you have said.
The highlighted bit says it all, it's not exactly what you expected and you feel a bit let down. Perhaps you also feel a bit let down in your kids eyes if you are not getting what you thought you would get.
Try adding that to the writing, what you wanted to get out of it, and what is lacking. Then look for ways to close the gap and make the Army what you want. Be honest and tell your Sergeant/Boss what you expected, you would be amazed at some of the positive ideas they can have or advice they can give.
 
Fix the depression before you make a decision. Go to the MO and get started

Seems like you've got your hierachy involved already...not necessarily the best idea, at least the MO is qualified and tied into medical confidence

Everything thing looks shit when you are depressed. You are still housing and feeding your family, getting paid and have access to a support system you won't have in civvy street

Worth Bearing in mind once you put your "clicks" in like it or not you become a bit "persona non grata" which is ******* rough if you think it's bad now and you gphave depression

To recap, start down the route to fixing the depression on the mobs time and money then think about pulling the pin when you are best equipped to slaying the leaving process, milking it for al it's worth and descending into society to smash out the success in what ever direction you've decided to go in
 
Right...

You've got two years to make the best of a shitty situation before you have to worry about where you're gonna live, what your next move is etc.

My 25 years were a bit of a mix-bag to be honest. Mainly having a good crack, but there were times where I did some good hard honest soul searching. Especially at the 12 year point. There were times when I was deeply unhappy. But the good thing about the Army is (generally speaking) you get a fresh start every couple of years.

Those low times I just grizzed it out. And the good thing about having a $hit time is when you're having a good time it's that much sweeter.

Phys, phys and more phys will help will depression. If you're taking your troubles home, take them to the gym instead and take it out on the treadmill instead of your wife & kids.

I'm fortunate enough to have never suffered with depression. So what would I know right? Funnily enough I've lived with it enough to know it eats the souls of those around you. DCMH will help with CBT helping you pigeon-hole issues, but moreover give you a voice, someone trained who you can vent on.

Two years. A lot can happen in that time. If you get to the point you're not longer crying after a decent masturbation sesh, you're on the right track I'd say.

Find something you enjoy, join a club, keep yourself busy. You might accidentally start to enjoy military life and find yourself spray-starching your PCS and getting blank stares from the nippers when you abbreviate everything.

Good luck.
Life is always better after a good tug,well worked for me ( still does tbh)
 
Just a update lads, as your words of advice have helped massively. I'm currently speaking too some one through the army about my problems what's not been the easiest for me, as I have always been closed off till I spoke on here. Ive took the attuide of throwing myself into my work and making the best of my situation and I've found being occupied has helped. Luckily enough I have a cracking ssm who is helping me and making sure it staying between me and my seragent. They allow me too goto my appointments and give me a cover story as questions are being asked.

My homelife is still not the best as Im still. Moody round the wife but luckily she very happy with me seeking the help that I needed. But I suppose opening up is the first part to helping me with my thoughts. I would like too be happier at home and be a better husband then I have been but slow process i suppose.

Once again gents I thank you. You don't realise how close I was to doing something silly and your words of advice have helped massively. I'm not there yet but hopefully on the right road.
 
I've sought of always landed on my feet,i can get a job if I get out I'm hardworker and do anything that's asked of me, one of the Reasons I'm not enjoying life always feel I'm taken advantage of because of my good nature. Housing would be the issue we would have too hope for Council.
So you have nothing and very little chance of supporting your family without universal credit ," I'm hardworker and do anything that's asked of me " tells me you have no trade/skills or any chance of ever getting anywhere , stick at it and get a useful trade with the Army, theres SFA in civvy street for the unskilled except misery and poverty.
 

mrboo

War Hero
So you have nothing and very little chance of supporting your family without universal credit ," I'm hardworker and do anything that's asked of me " tells me you have no trade/skills or any chance of ever getting anywhere , stick at it and get a useful trade with the Army, theres SFA in civvy street for the unskilled except misery and poverty.
Did you read his last post you twat
 

Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Just a update lads, as your words of advice have helped massively. I'm currently speaking too some one through the army about my problems what's not been the easiest for me, as I have always been closed off till I spoke on here. Ive took the attuide of throwing myself into my work and making the best of my situation and I've found being occupied has helped. Luckily enough I have a cracking ssm who is helping me and making sure it staying between me and my seragent. They allow me too goto my appointments and give me a cover story as questions are being asked.

My homelife is still not the best as Im still. Moody round the wife but luckily she very happy with me seeking the help that I needed. But I suppose opening up is the first part to helping me with my thoughts. I would like too be happier at home and be a better husband then I have been but slow process i suppose.

Once again gents I thank you. You don't realise how close I was to doing something silly and your words of advice have helped massively. I'm not there yet but hopefully on the right road.
Really good to hear this.

And I'm glad you didn't do anything permanently stupid because you're temporarily upset.

So easy on these situations to feel bad about the ones around us when we're not firing on all cylinders. Cue the side order of guilt on top of everything else.

You didn't mention the gym though? Twice a week, even if you're just walking on a treadmill for 30 mins listening to Stevie Wonder, The Foo Fighters and Skillerex. You'll still be lapping those disgusting tubs of lard on the couch right?

Keep up the good work.
 

Troy

LE
Just a update lads, as your words of advice have helped massively. I'm currently speaking too some one through the army about my problems what's not been the easiest for me, as I have always been closed off till I spoke on here. Ive took the attuide of throwing myself into my work and making the best of my situation and I've found being occupied has helped. Luckily enough I have a cracking ssm who is helping me and making sure it staying between me and my seragent. They allow me too goto my appointments and give me a cover story as questions are being asked.

My homelife is still not the best as Im still. Moody round the wife but luckily she very happy with me seeking the help that I needed. But I suppose opening up is the first part to helping me with my thoughts. I would like too be happier at home and be a better husband then I have been but slow process i suppose.

Once again gents I thank you. You don't realise how close I was to doing something silly and your words of advice have helped massively. I'm not there yet but hopefully on the right road.
I'm glad we could be of some help.

Now you've found us, don't be a stranger. Besides, you could be of help to someone else sometime.
 
I don't want too use thee mental side too out and my other issue with my job role I will never leave where I am based. I have had too be very careful with who I have told about my depression as its a very small unit and everyone can know your business.

think I will use this time too as you lads say make a better crack of it get more quale and train. I am actually doing a lot more phys lately too occupy myself. Actually quite fit for a 32 year old smoking heavy drinking softy or perhaps are try the beating one off approach.

I will go into tomorrow with a bit clearer train of thought.
I picked up on this post where you mention heavy drinking. I hit a bad spot when I was just into my forties. I'm in my sixties now. I was off work for six months. That's all a long time behind me now and on reflection, part of the problem was my drinking.

We all like a beer or ten etc but when my illness crept up on me, I didn't recognise the symptoms and to try and alleviate the stress etc, I was in the pub every night drinking all night until it shut.

I realise now that the drinking was making it worse although at the time, I thought it was helping me.

I still drink a fair bit but I'm not in the pub every night knocking it back until they close. I know that in the army, you live in a culture where alcohol consumption is almost a part of the job but If you are drinking a lot, try to cut it back and see if it helps.

A few beers a couple of times a week instead of almost every day would almost certainly have helped me when I went through it. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I hope you get through it very soon.
 
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Deleted 155579

Guest
Great news, trust me the services attracts a lot of people with a dark past and you are likely in the majority, rather than the minority despite all the macho stuff, a lot of people have pain inside.

My only other advice, after getting your mind back in a stable state. Is you do probably have to still face down your own personal demons and the only way to do that is talking, self help is just a sticking plaster. Talk to your missus, or a trusted friend from home, honestly, airing it out is therapeutic.
 
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