Unexpected no Strings sex..MMmmmm

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by teddytats, Feb 23, 2007.

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  1. I would just like to tell you all this true tale of great unexpected No strings sex....... I must add that at the time I was single!!!!!!

    I was taking part in one of the CO's study days which happened to be over a weekend at SPTA in April 2004. On the Sunday, late morning and after tea and biscuits in the mess, we were allowed to disperse. I jumped in the old jam jar headed off back down the M11 and stopped off at the services to pick up a sunday paper and have a jimmy riddle.

    I was queuing in the over priced services shop with the paper in hand and a bottle of water....when all of a sudden I felt a tap on my shoulder and a women's voice say...'Do you know where you can get a coffee in this place'. At this comment I turned around and looked at a blonde bird, about 35, size 10 and 5'6''. My first thought was... 'stupid bitch, of course I know where you can get a coffee, it's a fookin service station' I pointed to the self service resturant and said 'I think they sell coffee over there'.

    She then asked if I'd like to join her? At this point I looked again at the blonde, looked at my watch and decided that she was worth 10 minutes of my time. We walked to the resturant, I grabbed a table and she got her coffee. I was too tight to buy one and swigged out of my newly purchased bottle of water.

    We sat down and talked for about half an hour. She was just on her way back home after visiting her mum, who lived in Berry St Edmunds. The really strange bit was that she lived in SE London in an area called Thornton Heath which is where I grew up as a kid. We had quite a lot in common and the time passed very quickly.......Now baring in mind I have never laid eyes on this bird in my life and either one of us could have been an axe murderer. She then asked me whether I would join her for lunch. Apparently she travelled this way about once a month and she knew of a Travel Inn which had a pub/resturant on the side. Don't ask me why, but I said 'I'd love too!'

    We both walked to our cars and she told me to follow her. At this point I really had no idea of what was going to happen. We drove for about 5 minutes down the M11 and pulled off at the next junction and drove for a few minutes and there on the left was the hotel and pub.

    We spent a further 2 hours together, eating our Sunday Lunch and chatting. At one stage the conversation died a little and I said 'What shall we do now?' At this comment the Women I now knew as Lynnette said...'Why don't you f**k me!'

    To be honest I wasn't even shocked at this request... I just looked her in the eye and said 'OK'.

    Now it seemed a little too good to believe, this was a good looking bird, we didn't know each other at all and here she was offering herself to me. Now I'm no minger and have dated several lap dancers, even a model and a bit part actress from East Enders, infact my new wife is a stunning Russian school teacher and 16 years younger than me, but never have I been offered sex this quickly by an complete stranger.

    We walked round to the hotel and as I tried to push the reception door open, I noticed a sign stuck to the opposite door, which read....'CLOSED FOR REFURBISHMENT' I was totally gutted. Here was this bird gagging for it and I really didn't fancy giving her one in the car park across the bonnet of my MG.

    Lynnette then said...'Why don't you come over to mine' Now at this time I was living in a flat share in Bucks, so the drive to SE London was quite a bit out of my way, plus, I thought that this might be a set up and as soon as we get to her place I'd get a bang on the head and wake up in a scene from Pulp Fiction.....You know the one....The Gimp, eight ball and a dark cellar!!!!!

    But before I even thought about the possible pain and trouble I could get into I said, 'Yep, I'll follow you, We'll use the Woolwich Ferry'. We drove for about an hour-and-a-half, across S London, which didn't worry me as I was on home turf. We turned into a small road just up from the Thornton Heath Clock Tower..(I don't know why I'm telling you that, I'm sure you have no idea where that is!)

    We parked up outside, which is quite a feat in London and Lynnette ushered me in. The flat was small but clean and tidy, so she obviouly wasn't a crack head, infact she was an estate agent in Croydon.

    We both sat on the sofa and as I realise what was going to happen I bottled it a bit and stood up. Infront of the sofa was a fireplace and on the mantle piece was stacked in racks, a large CD collection. Obviously noticing my nervous leap to the CD rack she told me to select a CD so that we could listen to it. As I was searching for a suitable disc, I commented several times.'O' I've got this one too' as I picked out 'Ibiza chillout', I turned around to see lynnette stark bollock naked.

    She dragged me to her bedroom and for the next 2 hours we seemed to get on like a house on fire...if you know what I mean.

    Now you may ask...'Did you see each other again?', Yes is the reply. We dabbled in casual sex for several months after that and it just fizzled out, after we promised to ring one another we just didn't bother. I think of her often, even though, as I say, I'm now married to Olga. I drive passed the Services on the M11 now and again on my way to conferences and the like and smile to myself at the thought of that Sunday morning meeting.
  2. Say again all after single, over.

    Think i've lost the fcuking will to live.
  3. Good story, but total bollocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  4. And what's the title of your latest Horrible and Nauseating novel, teddytats? Or what the fück is the name of that UK publisher ripping off bodices and cleaving to unctuous perfection a la (skuse absence of accent) Barbara Cartland ? Is it Miller and Boone or something?

  5. I only made it as far as
    Utter pish.
  6. Yeah, and one day you'll marry her, have kids, she'll get fat and ugly, run off with a bloke with a bigger c0ck, you'll get a divorce, she'll rip you off for everything you own, then you'll stalk her, be convicted, get banged up in nick and be forced to drop your soap in the shower and 10 years later you'll have an arrehole the width of a mature cucumber. Believe me mate, it always happens that way.
  7. You could have unlimited no strings sex with your wife Olga..........I do.
  8. What a load of sh1te Im a bird and we pay attention to detail but not that amount of f@cking detail!! You write for Mills n Boon?

    Du schreibst wie ein Homosexual, der hoffnungslos gerade sein möchte!!!! MMllaarrr!
  10. The correct ending was;

    and then I woke up and had to explain to my mum what the sticky patch on the duvet was.
  11. Did you get that from Readers wives in Razzle FFS!!
  12. If you can suck your own c0ck you won't need to waste time getting married.
  13. Bit more down to earth....

    Drink 12 pints of Guinness in about 3 hours. Feel unwell. Decide to yak up in pub car park and fcuk off back to the block. See lucky friend with 2 birds. Stagger over and get invited back to house. Recover a tad and get on job with halfway(?) decent bird. End up doing her doggy, and pull her arse cheeks apart to find she has hair above her * (viewed from my sightline). Ah well. Spuff duff, collapse and have to get up at 0630 to amble back to base.

    Fcking Thursday nights, eh!
  14. I was taking part in one of the CO's study days which happened to be over a weekend at SPTA in April 2004. On the Sunday, late morning and after tea and biscuits in the mess, we were allowed to disperse. I jumped in the old jam jar headed off back down the M11 and stopped off at the services to pick up a sunday paper and have a jimmy riddle.

    Clearly rubbish. SPTA is nowhere near the M11.
  15. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    The internet has newsgroups for this kind of fiction.

    Try looking for alt.sex.stories.moderated