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Undertakers

NSP

LE
Seems a kinda appropriate thread to hijack :) Funeral plans, seen the hype about how much you save blah blah blah. I remain unconvinced, around £5k for a plan versus (I think) around £2k as a walk in (so to speak) customer. Don't need/want anything special, just burning, no cars.

What's the arrse opinion on funeral plans?
Kak.

I've got my eye on a deal offered by a FD around here - collection from the morgue, around the crem', in the oven, collect when done, dispose of/hand to as requested. £900 plus whatever the crem's charging at the time.

No service, no hearse, no box, no prayers, nada.

Exactly what I want, really.
 
I was but retired from that 5-6 years ago, so no current view.

. . . one thing I can predict is that there'll be a rush just before Christmas as families try to get Uncle Harry/Gt Aunt Flo sorted and done before Christmas Day (they don't like the thought of him/her lying in the Chapel of Rest as they're ripping shit out of the turkey :) )

Are corpses buried with Jewelry/valuables?

Any truth in the rumour that crematoriums can switch the gold embossed, mahogany, silk laden coffin for a cardboard box, before they torch it?
 
Kak.

I've got my eye on a deal offered by a FD around here - collection from the morgue, around the crem', in the oven, collect when done, dispose of/hand to as requested. £900 plus whatever the crem's charging at the time.

No service, no hearse, no box, no prayers, nada.

Exactly what I want, really.
We will miss you though.
Well..some of us.
Splice the mainbrace...I'll arrange the Jockhanistan one.
1604686152347.png
 
Last time I was a pall-bearer for a posh box with brass handles, I went to lift it aloft and the undertaker shouted at me "Not the handles!".

Guess they're just fixed on with hot-melt for easy-off then.
 
Are corpses buried with Jewelry/valuables?

In short? Yep: I've done burials that have included a tractor seat, grot mags (described as a bit of light reading) and a dead cat (which is a bit of a no-no in the eyes of the C of E).

Any truth in the rumour that crematoriums can switch the gold embossed, mahogany, silk laden coffin for a cardboard box, before they torch it?

Cremations very, very rarely involved the higher-end caskets, from my experience: simply put, you're being consigned to Gas Mk 11 in a MDF box with a rayon/nylon lining and lightly covered plastic 'brass' handles.

. . . though we have to be careful as to what the family want to send with the deceased: one old girl was insistent that her husband went to the crem with his old service .38 just in case he needed to defend himself in the after life.

The pistol was removed and quietly passed to local police.
 
Dying well is a dying art.

I've also considered it tbh, what could go wrong? Just dig a hole and have a little service. People will pay a fortune too.
 
We've got a local lad, still independant.

He's planted a few now, on both sides of the family, and provides a superb service, lot's of advice, lot's of nice touches...... he managed to find a piper @ short notice for the FiL

When my mother died, we were going for a cremation, when he advised us it was going to be easier to bury her with my dad, and organised it all for us, not something a franchise would have been bothered with.

If you're in the north east, pm me for his details, lovely man.
 

Gout Man

LE
Book Reviewer
I was but retired from that 5-6 years ago, so no current view.

. . . one thing I can predict is that there'll be a rush just before Christmas as families try to get Uncle Harry/Gt Aunt Flo sorted and done before Christmas Day (they don't like the thought of him/her lying in the Chapel of Rest as they're ripping shit out of the turkey :) )
My uncle died on Christmas Day.:(


Its ok though it was several years before I was born and the story goes that he did have his dinner a bottle of stout and even his pudding.
Thats the way to go, sod the washing up.:grin:
 

Gout Man

LE
Book Reviewer
Are corpses buried with Jewelry/valuables?

Any truth in the rumour that crematoriums can switch the gold embossed, mahogany, silk laden coffin for a cardboard box, before they torch it?
I reckon the next 'scandal' will involve those companies that do the cheap disposal. (Their appalling ad's are on all the time now.) It will involve harvesting of corneas , bones and anything else that can be sold on. Before dear old Grandad (Who didn't want any fuss) ashes are returned in a cardboard urn. :rolleyes:
 
I've got my eye on a deal offered by a FD around here - collection from the morgue, around the crem', in the oven, collect when done, dispose of/hand to as requested. £900 plus whatever the crem's charging at the time.

No service, no hearse, no box, no prayers, nada.

Exactly what I want, really.
With your record it's more likely to be a burial at sea - probably free...
 

Gout Man

LE
Book Reviewer
I would be quite happy to pay the MOD for a simple cremation, and my ashes loaded into the nose of a SHUSHPRAC and fired down range at Catterick or Bovvie.
Followed by a traditional smoker, with plenty of Herfy, Asbach and the obligatory drunken fire jumping.
Sweet.
 

chimera

LE
Moderator
Many (many) years ago, in the late 1970s, our school class idiot was kicked out with half a CSE and went to work as No 6 on the coffin at a local funeral directors. Oh how we all laughed, and how all of the parents used to say: ".. see if you don't buck up and do your homework you will end up like (insert name here)..."

You can guess the rest. 1976: (insert name here) went from No 6 on the coffin, to No 1 on the lid, to running the small business, to running a bigger business etc etc, until by 2020 he is now one of the main players in stiffs in south of UK. Big money.

And the Unqiue Selling Point(s) of Funeral Directors:

(1) guaranteed customers (nature says so), and

(2) nobody wants to be seen to be scrimping on the funeral do they: "..of of course grandma deserves the smart polished £500 brass coffin handles (to be unscrewed later and re-used on the next mugs through the door)..."
 

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